OrphanPip
Part III: Coming out
by , 02-16-2010 at 11:28 PM (1829 Views)
This entry is coming closely on the heels of the last one as a response to a question posed by DB. So, today I'll address how my parents found out, how they reacted, how I felt about them finding out, and the concept of "coming out" as a whole.
I have the "virtue" of not being, well, "flamboyantly gay" so I don't stand out and coming out is a never ending process for me. Unless I'm running into someone at a gay bar, most people I know have to be told either by me or someone else. In high school there were two other guys I knew of in my class who were gay, both of them were of the "obvious" kind. One of them came out to the entire school in grade eleven. I still admire Patrick's courage (he brought his boyfriend to prom), but as a person I've always thought of him as an airheaded floozy who would sleep with anyone with a penis. Last I'd heard of him he's still a bit of a whore. The other boy I went to school with that I knew of was only out to a couple friends, myself included. He was a nice guy and the news about his orientation started to make itself around school in the last few months before graduation. Afterward, he moved to Ontario so I have no idea what he's up to these days. I was friends with both of those guys, although not close friends, and if people in school had had the brains to put two and two together they probably would have guessed about me, but graduation came before that happened. Thus, I made it through high school without coming out.
Now onto how my parents found out. Well I didn't tell them, sadly I didn't have one of those dramatic coming out moments where I confessed everything in a shower of tears. Instead, my brother found out, I still don't know how, and he told my mother. Dear maman then immediately pounced on me and the fight was on.
I got the usual "it's just a phase" speech, unfortunately for my mum it's a lifelong phase. She screamed and cried about not having grandchildren (forget about the existence of my brother, who is completely straight). Then she tried what I call the "gay sex is painful and dangerous" argument. Ignoring the fact that homosexuality is not a matter of anal sex (I have strong opinions about the reduction of individuals to a single sexual act which not all gay men participate in). So, to make a long story short there was a lot of screaming and crying. She agreed not to tell my father.
A few months later, my mother was once again berating me about my orientation and I stormed out of the house. This episode resulted in telling my father. Now, I had initially meant to talk about my relationship with my father and mother in two separate blog entries, and these little episodes don't come close to approximating my relationship with them. However, my father is the only person in my family who has told me that all that matters is that I'm happy.
My mother's lack of acceptance isn't all that unusual considering she considers herself to be Christian and I can understand her coming from a difficult place. Unfortunately, our relationship is now strained, I can never talk about my life in front of her, and I always have to guard what I say to keep from upsetting her.
OK, well that ends the autobiographical details of this blog entry. "Coming out" is a tricky issue that is a major turning point in the lives of most gay people. The sharing of the "coming out" story is a rite of passage in any romantic relationship, along with the "when did you first know" question. For some people it goes smoothly, while for others it is disastrous. I'm relatively lucky, my parents still speak to me. It saddens me that we accept heterosexuality as the default state of individuals, so there is always a burden on homosexuals to make their orientation clear. It's a unfortunate sad truth that whenever I make a new friend at work/bar/etc. I eventually have to factor in a moment of coming out. Dropping hints works for some people: camping it up for a bit, dropping a line about the attractiveness of some man, or mentioning Cher. It gets easier with time, but coming out never stops.
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