OrphanPip
Part II: Romance and lack there of
by , 02-15-2010 at 11:57 PM (1672 Views)
Disclaimer: This blog post will address some sexual issues, but not explicitly.
Well some events today inspired me to write the second entry of my autobiography. Sometimes there are moments or words that send you on a road trip down Memory Lane.
I had decided to write a blog today, and at first I thought this was going to be about my general experiences in high school; however, on my way home I ran into a girl I had dated in way back when. As I sat down to write this before I tucked in with a book for the night, I realized that I couldn't write about high school without mentioned that all too important preoccupation of the teenage mind: sex. Of course, if I'm going to write about sex I can't ignore love. So, here goes my tale of love, sex, and times without either.
The logical place to start is my first crush. I was twelve and she was fourteen. Her name was Melanie and she lived next door. Now, this is a story of infatuation of a non-sexual kind. She was older, cool, and, most importantly, she was willing to speak to me. When I think back I don't know what this obsession was all about, I can't think of myself as sexually attracted to her (though she was the subject of some of my earliest sexual fantasies), but for a good while she consumed a greater portion of my thoughts.
It was shortly after this crush had begun that I remember my earliest attraction to the same sex. I won't go into details, but it started with dreams. For most of high school I was confused, angry, bitter, and pretty unhappy. Secondary one and two (equivalent of grades 7 and 8 for Americans) was a short period of rebellion where I skipped classes, shoplifted, hung out with the "bad" kids, bullied smaller kids, quit organized sports, and just hated the world in general. I eventually came out of that phase into one of reshaping myself into a "nerd", concentrating all my energy on school.
At 14, in secondary 3, I had my first physical sexual experience with another boy. I was staying over at a friends place and some experimentation occurred, much to my delight at the time. This one's name was David, he was the love of my high school years. However, it never went beyond a few moments of "touching", and now he's been with the same woman for two years and would probably kill me if he knew I mentioned this to other people. A standard story for gay teens, growing up is lonely.
I dated two girls while in high school, I was attracted to neither of them but dating girls was the thing you're supposed to do, so I did it. One of the greatest regrets of my life, I still cringe whenever I speak to this girl (like I did earlier tonight). Unfortunately, I ruined her prom experience: when she asked me to dance I said no. I know it's silly to refuse to dance with someone, especially your prom date, but in my mind at the time, dancing with her seemed like going too far to cover up my homosexuality, while claiming her as a girlfriend was fine for some reason. Every time I see her I feel like she's owed an apology.
After high school I went through two years without dating anyone. I had occasional crushes, but nothing memorable. In this time I came to terms with my sexuality (a process too lengthy to describe in this post) and my parents learned the bad news.
In university I dated a couple guys, but none for very long. My first "serious" boyfriend had hazel eyes, I was 20 when we started dating. We were together for about a year, and we broke up as a result of "drifting apart". I call this my first serious relationship because it was the only one where I considered spending the rest of my life with my current interest. (As an aside, we were watching Coronation Street (A British soap) when we had our first kiss, the gayest first kiss story ever.) Since the break up I've been single.
I've never been the "anonymous sex" type. When you're interested in long-term serious relationship, it has a bad habit of scaring away the majority of gay guys (fickle bastard). Oh well, I've got my fingers crossed for that special someone to show up some day.
Well there's the abridged version of my love life, only mildly abridged to avoid getting obscene. I tried to keep this as clean as possible, and I hope I've succeeded lol.
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