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Madman's Dream

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by
Countess
, 06-20-2007 at 11:41 AM (1146 Views)
Credit to Assemblage 23 for giving me the title of this blog. I could only think of naming it "Status" or "Good and Bad", neither of which appealed to me.

Now, why a Madman's Dream you ask? See here:

"Good Things that have happened to me this Week" also known also "I feel like a child cowering from daily beatings from her parent (God) and all of a sudden he stops beating her and is nice, and I am afraid to come out of my black corner because I might get beaten again, and I wonder why he is being nice to me, what did I do? I wish he would tell me so I could do it again".

1. Today I will talk to mgmt about moving to 1st shift. There is a position open. If so, I get my child back.

2. I interviewed last Thursday for another job. If I get it, I'll be right down the road AND will have medical/dental benefits, and I'll get my child back.

3. Saw a guy in Walmart I used to work with at a technology firm. He asked me out. He has two Bachelors, a law degree, lives on "The Island" (the most beautiful beachfront property known to man), works out religiously, has a motorcycle and likes to mountain hike.

Now "The Bad" also known as, "Why Can't I be Normal Like Everyone Else?"

1. I vascillate between moments of intense panic during which I study furiously for my teacher's certification test next month, and moments of procrastination because of that intense panic. Up and Down. Up and Down. Up and Down.

2. I like being alone - too much. I remain happiest in my imagination, perhaps always. And it's all a great waste (other than my personal happiness) because none of it will see the light of day. It will disappear into oblivion like me. There is no legacy to be had; no one will publish my work. I am futile.

3. I don't think for all his perfection I can "love" this man the way a woman should love a man, the way a wife should love her husband. I crave something else that is hard to define - a tortured, tormented soul perhaps? A complicated mind I must unravel? A compelling personality that demands attention? If I cannot study a man, then I cannot "love" him passionately. If he does not demand to be written - if he cannot translate into a character in one of my books - then there is no inspiration, and without inspiration, there is nothing.

I am more fascinated by the 20 year old psychopathic engineer in Australia with an IQ of 192. The more questions I ask of him, the more questions I have to ask of him. My mind swirls around his, trying to conceptualize it (he demands a character) but I've not grasped it yet. He doesn't translate, but he will.

Now you know the Madman's Dream.
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  1. mtpspur's Avatar
    Was going to PM you Thursday to see how he job interview ended up so appreciate this update. I do hope you get your son back. I firmly believe should be with a parent (and not the grand-parent).

    Psychopathic engineer--and yet you make it sound so grand. On the other hand I'll never be in Australia so I won't have to wonder what bridge not to drive over.

    Good to see you back.
  2. B-Mental's Avatar
    Ok, from a guy's point of view Countess (and that would mean me). What the heck, its a date! You deserve it to yourself to have a good time and a night out or a free dinner (or what will you). You might as well go into this with open eyes, as you might have in front of you that which you seek. You never know what this guy is like (better not be abusive without a doubt or I'll have to fly down and kick his overdegreed fore-point of contact). OK, in summation, have fun and let down that short hair of yours, but you better keep us posted.
  3. andave_ya's Avatar
    Hey, Countess, it's really nice to see you back! It's been awhile. I'm so glad that things are beginning to look up!

    2. I like being alone - too much. I remain happiest in my imagination, perhaps always. And it's all a great waste (other than my personal happiness) because none of it will see the light of day. It will disappear into oblivion like me. There is no legacy to be had; no one will publish my work. I am futile.
    Owch. I know exactly what you mean. I like being alone too and with my imagination; my sister absolutely can't understand what I mean when I say that. BUT! It is never a waste to do what makes you happy as long as it's in keeping with the law. Maybe your work won't get published YET but that doesn't give you permission to give up. You're a good writer Countess! "It will disappear into oblivion like me." People normally do disappear into oblivion within a few generations after they die; it's only those who developed the talents they had that kept them remembered. I believe everyone has a God-given talent but it won't go anywhere unless through prayer and faith and perseverance and patience it is developed and presented, gift-wrapped, to the world to open and marvel over and be influenced by. And with my sermon through, I'll say good night, and you're in my prayers.