Barmy Blue's Bland Blog

Oh joy (Sarcasm). My "friend" Tom is coming over today. I say "friend" because I'm not really sure what I should call him now. We used to talk a lot, about nothing really, but at least we talked. Now we hardly say anything more than "Hi" (Act like you're pleased to see each other) and "Wasn't that film funny" (Make conversation. any conversation!). It seems that we no longer have anything in common. We don't even go to the same school anymore. I stayed at my dump of a school and he went to college. We don't take an interest in each other's lives any more. He couldn't care less how hard it was to find a copy of 'The Changeling' and I don't really care how long it took to design a box to something. Even our mutual interests provide nothing to talk about now. He's only interested in going to meet a girl called Alice that the met online. She lives somewhere in America (I forget where). He's going to go during the Christmas holiday and stay for a week or so. That doesn’t really bug me. Well, it does. But that's not the main thing that's bugging me. He's going there purely with the intention of sleeping with her. I think surely there are less expensive ways of getting your leg over. Because, not only is he paying for his flight there and back, but he's also going with a Christmas present for her and one for each of her family members too, just to be polite. He's never even met her or her family. He's only talked to her online and via web cam. I probably have nothing to worry about (I can get pretty paranoid) But I worry that something might happen over there. He could get hurt or even killed. He knows nothing about her family, what they're like and he's going alone. Fair enough, he's 18 and technically an adult, but sometimes he doesn't think like an adult (I must confess, neither do I).

Before I knew when he was planning to go there (it was just one of those "I'll go there some day" things then) I warned him not to go alone. To at least take someone with him. (My main reason for saying it was because I'd been watching an ITV drama where girls met a guy online went to meet him and his wife killed them.) But, he didn't see it as concern. He immediately saw it as me just being jealous and had a go at me. It upset me that he didn't realize I was just trying to look out for him. I thought he knew me better than that. I could have had a go at him. But I decided to take a more tactile approach and make him feel ashamed. I just calmly explained why I'd said it and added a line such as "I'm sorry for asking you to be careful then". We didn't talk properly for a few days later. I was purposely avoiding him because, basically, I thought he knew me better. I was angry that he'd just had a go at me like that when my concern was his safety.

A while later he revealed that he'd be going at Christmas. Now I try to sound neutral on the subject, try not to get into another argument because he's interpreted what I said in the wrong way.

So, really, we have nothing to talk about anymore. We usually end up arguing over something or he shouts at me.
Like last time I saw him. Conversation was nonexistent. I was playing my magnetic sudoku game. I thought w should talk about something. So I decided to say I'd finally got the Changeling and briefly mentioned how hard it was to come by and how the publishers should really keep on top of the syllabus if they want to make a profit. I thought he might sympathize with me, perhaps. But I didn’t realize that he's put in his headphones and was listening to music, as my eyes were focused on my puzzle. Eventually he shouted at me saying that he could hear me through the music. I didn't know he was listening to it. I hate being shouted at, by anyone. It's sad to say but it makes me feel lonely and neglected (Yes, I know. I'm a sad person). So I just focused on my puzzle again, holding in choked sobs (I was feeling rather vulnerable at the time. One of my mood swings). Eventually I finished the puzzle. I thought of getting up and leaving. I really did. But he'd have stopped me before I was out the door. Eventually he apologized but it was too late. I felt rather cold towards him by then. I pretended that it was all okay. But really it wasn't. And, if he knew me at all, surely he'd know that something was still wrong. But obviously he didn't.
Well, I've moaned long enough. I'd better get dressed.
Oh, by the way. Today's advent chocolate was one of the three wise men or a Sheppard. A little nativity person. Yummy

Edit:
Tom can't come today. I've been up for two hours! He can't come because his dad commandeered the car, so his mum couldn't drop him off. I must say, I'm rather relieved. I didn't feel like seeing him today. Pity he couldn't be bothered to tell me sooner. On a more cheerful note I've stuck up some Christmas decorations on the windows and I'm about to have my breakfast of a sausage sandwich at 12:50.