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The few that know me perhaps too well will occasionally be dismayed with my morbid fascination with those that take the step that cannot be repented of. There are actually some that believe that this is the unforgivable sin spoken of in the Bible but most God centered doctrinal scholars reject that particular belief.

I further find it ironic that one of my very favorite comic book series from DC is titled Suicide Squad (as written by John Ostrander) but that's another kettle of fish to fry.

If you dig very far back in the annals of Mtpspur the sad case of my mother has been certainly detailed but of more interest in this entry is that of my Aunt Mrytle that I believe was also chronicled.

For over 40 years I have pondered whether she accidently overdosed on sleeping pills or committed suicide in the face of the tragedy to her only son my Cousin Bob having been caught in a fire that left his body 90 percent burned and me with an ability to visit hospital patients without flinching--the one area I excel my own brother Bob in.

Nowadays in the aftermath of tragedy there is mass effort on the part of all and sundry to provide counsel and guidance to the young ones lest they discover life is unfair and a rose garden is not available 24/7. Back in my time bad things happened and you stood firm in the eye of the storm and just dealt with it. If sympathy was provided it was the cold careless life goes on morsel dished out as almost an afterthought.

Now yesterday was my sister's birthday and I was hugging my emotional scars with a Pharisee's delight in hanging tough in the emotional coldness I find stealing my heart and soul and replacing it with a stone as a result of losing my mother over a year ago and finding it hard to miss her. I had recently come out of the angry stage of loss (again) and we were going over the things that made my mother the emotional succubus she became--starting with the very sour mother of hers. I freely confess a dislike for my grand-mother past contempt and you'll see no remorse for the confession as I prefer an honest declaration to hypocrisy in the name that the family linen is clean.

My Aunt got mentioned in reference to cousin Bob and two things came out of it. When you are a child ALL elderly people seem ancient and as the years go by they all seem to be of an age. I was sort of aware that my mother was a 'little' younger then her sisters and one brother --he of whom I never laid eyes on in his entire life --another sad dysfunctional event worthy of Oprah but had no idea the age gap was 15 years. My mother had been unplanned and unlooked for by my grand-mother and she was constantly aware of this status growing up. My sister has made me aware of this to a great degree in the past few months and some mysteries have been exposed to the sober life and a bit of pity has started a small seed of growth in my resentful soul at MY harsh treatment growing up. In mentioning the death of my aunt as counterpoint to my mother being very close to Cousin Bob since they were of like age I made a remark about Myrtle taking pills and my sister told me something I had never ever known or even suspected.

My aunt did not take the pills by herself. My Uncle Lester had GIVEN them to her. It was never suicide at all (she tended to be a weak person forever protected from any sort of unpleasantness in life) but an accident her never waking up. As a child it would have been nice to know this simple fact. I have had a major part of my thought processes turned topsy-turvey. So suicide isn't a pattern in my family after all.

My healing continues and I have been bemused all day over it.

One odd -- very odd comment. My sister has always wondered if my Uncle KNEW what he was doing. Even my drama queen personna can't accept that insinuation but the fact that my sister has never indulged in flights of fancy has given me pause for wonderment. I decided to stick to the old image of elderly types that crabbed at each other all the time. At this point much safer for my mental health.

Sigh--happy times must be ahead. Time to walk towards the light.