The (not so) Inner Whinings of an Impatient Rambler

This is nothing but a whiny rant, so feel free to ignore! I just have some stuff bothering me I need to complain about. And I know that in the grand scheme of things, it's nothing bad and other people are going through far worse things in their lives. Oh well. I don't want to inflict this on anyone around me so if you waste your time on this, it's not my fault!

So where to start. How about my premature aging? I feel like a friggin old lady. What the eff is wrong with my knees!?! Yes, I have a touch of arthritis already, and patella-femoral syndrome, so yeah, if I'm out of shape which I am because I haven't been to the gym in a while and then I suddenly start start putting some stress on them, they're going to be a little bit swollen. But why the hell do my thighs just meld right into my knees? They should not be that swollen!!! And not just that, but the other night I got a sharp pain in my right knee that spread down to my ankle and up to my hip when I bent my leg! And it's still here three days later!! And now it's not just my knees that are swollen but my calves and ankles too! The calves are probably from riding, so I can deal with that; that will go away once they muscle up again. And the ankles are from wearing heels to work but what can I do? I have to be dressed nice! But now my mom wants me to stop riding because of what it's doing to my knees! It's bad enough my doctor told me I'm not allowed to run anymore, but stop riding? NEVER. EVER. I'm 19 years old!! I should not swell up after just being on my feet for a few hours! What happens when I actually get old??

And about riding. I ended up in tears at the end of my lesson last night because of what my coach said to me during that lesson. I spent the whole hour on a circle just getting Tobasco into a frame (so in a nice shape moving off my leg). The rest of my class went on with the lesson and my coach just said I wasn't working hard enough and left me there until I got it. What else can I do when I've set my hands against his face and he's just leaning back against me and no matter what I do with the legs and seat he won't soften and bend and move away from my leg without scooting forward? My whole body was aching and I couldn't breathe and I still kept going. I've been working with this horse for YEARS and I haven't been able to get him to do it ever (neither has anyone else for that matter), and all of a sudden it's supposed to happen in one hour? And then by the end when everyone else was finished and she came back I finally got him to give and do it, then she tells me I'm LAZY. "You're too nice to him. And really, it's just laziness. I'm not saying you're intentionally lazy, you just are, up here" and points to her head. WHAT THE HELL DOES THAT MEAN?!?! Never, ever, even when I was riding at least 4 days a week, did I ever not do a full workout when I rode. Every time I get in the saddle I work both myself and my horse. I've only ever wanted to be the best possible rider I could be, and to get the most out of a horse that most people think is a waste of time and energy. A person can call me lazy about a lot of aspects of my life, but not riding. A couple years ago, I had a riding injury that stretched the nerves in my left arm and I lost feeling in the arm for a couple weeks. When I got off after my lesson last night, I had partially lost feeling in that arm again. Great. I've never been so insulted in my life. But whatever. I'll have him carrying himself in a frame by the end of the summer if I have to kill myself to do it, if that's what it takes to make her see. And I'll do it riding one day a week. And good luck to anyone else who tries to get him to do it if they haven't already been riding the friggin horse for 7 years like I have.

And I haven't gotten to ride Shadow since I've been back, since I knew I wasn't in good-enough shape and I didn't want to screw him up since he's still green. He's starting to forget me though, since I haven't been able to spend as much time with him. That sucks.

Moving on from the ponies...is it bad when a friendship starts to feel more like an obligation than a pleasure? I love K. We've been friends since we were really young, and we're pretty close. She's more like a family member than a friend now, but spending time with her has become a chore. What is there to do or talk about? We have none of the same interests anymore, we can't even go out to a bar and have a drink and just talk, because she'll order something with alcohol in it knowing that she doesn't like alcohol and will spend the rest of the evening complaining about the money she wasted. And we have nothing else to talk about because she volunteers no information about her life whatsoever.

"How are you?"
"Good."
"Yeah? How's school?"
"Good. Busy."
"And work?"
"Fine."
"How are things with Jason?"
"Fine. He's good."
Awkward silence.

Seriously? What else am I supposed to say? The only time she says any more than that is when she's gotten into a ridiculous argument with her roommates which are usually only happening because she's blown something way out of proportion (*hypocrite alert* )
When I told her last week that I didn't have time to hang out but would call her this week, I didn't want to, but I did. I sent her a text message on my lunch yesterday asking her what she was up to this weekend. After that I didn't have a chance to check my phone until late last night because I was so busy. She left me 5 texts and a phone message and then she called my house again this morning when I was at work. To tell me that she was free this weekend. What, are we dating or something? HOLY CRAP. I thought you said you were really busy this summer? When do you have time for that?

And then there's this other person. Who makes me feel like I've had a blindfold wrapped over my eyes, sweet nothings whispered in my ear, then been spun around in circles and left to figure out what the hell just happened. And just when the dizziness has disappeared and I can find my way around, more sweet nothings to distract me, more spinning, and I'm lost again. And I keep wandering around in the dark, wondering if the whisperer is going to come back, coming to terms with the fact that it's over, and then ta da! I can't keep doing this! And yet, apparently I can.

Hmm, what else...Oh! Where the hell are my concert tickets?!?! They should have been here MONTHS ago! After the stupid place lost them in the mail and tried to send me new ones. Haven't got those yet either!

I think that's about it. Seriously, I'm aware that this is all petty and blown out of proportion and ridiculous, but I figure if I put it here than I don't have to whine to someone in person and have them think I'm a giant tool. If anyone who reads this thinks I am, well, then I guess I am. Sorry!

I just feel like I'm in a weird state of limbo where the things I always thought I could count on just aren't the same and everything is out of sorts and it's overwhelming me. I hate change and feeling out of control. Nothing is consistent anymore.

P.s. Dear Best friend, I know you're not there because you want to be, but even if you weren't there, you'd be somewhere else that's not home. I miss you and I love you and I wish things were like they used to be. <3 L.