Exiled in a kilt

Ok, a warning before folk start reading: This entry may ramble, jump from topic to topic, be graphic in places & possibly leave some of you thinking you want nothing else to do with a jackass such as myself. Of course, then again it may not - just depends where the fingers lead my words.

So I am just back from watching the sunset over the lake & the incredible blues & greens created in the sky above it. I was watching it & trying to figure out where on earth my sense of wonder, beauty, mystery went & whether I ever had one to begin with. I think I remember being amazed when I was young, but cant be sure if I just want to remember it & have tried to build that feeling into a false memory. I cant see anything now without thinking about the physical reasons why it happens which is sucking part of the joy out of my life.

While I was watching it I was talking to the girl on the phone. She has left the guy. I am nervous now & am thinking it may have been better if she had just stayed with him & saved herself from the possible heartache I may end up causing - she has given something up for me, and that makes things difficult. I know YOU are more concerned about me getting hurt, but YOU know I always deal & always will & besides. I am terrible at relationships, a few times I have led girls on knowing I am only interested in getting laid.

This is not the case with this girl but there are other issues too:
1) the more minor problem: I enjoy some degree of physical pain, it gives me an adrenalin rush & gets me off. (yes I know - I'm sick, depraved, twisted, I've heard all the adjectives from other women I've been serious about, but who've run a mile when they discovered this)

2) I am scared I am like my father. My father left my mother for another woman when I was 4 years old & the younger bro was about 4months. It is marked in the family photo albums "alone from here on out B says he's leaving" I used to spend hours looking through those albums as a kid, dont think the mother ever knew that I understood what that meant. I am like my father in almost every other respect (other than I cant stand classical music & opera) I worry every day that I am like him in that respect too.

For this reason every time I get in too deep in a relationship I get worried - its best the relationship ends before we get really serious & things go to the next level - so I become distant, cold & "not the same guy" she started dating, it always brings about the desired effect & she dumps my sorry ***.

There is one person on here who knows all this stuff in my head already, and much to her credit she didnt get freaked out & abandon me when she found out - like has happened in the past. She is a truly wonderful human being & is probably going beet red just now while she is reading this, but she is the reason I now have the confidence to make this entry.

I am now ready I think to open myself to the new girl, but I do worry every minute about my failings, faults, and detrimental behaviour patterns. I may lose out but **** it I'm 27, its about time I took responsibility for my actions in a relationship and stopped acting like a scared piece of ****.

(It is possible I may re-think the idea of posting this & delete the entry tomorrow)