Away with the Fairies- The Travel Diary of an Irish WebFairy

So i was just away in Edinburgh with four other paranormal enthusiast. It was an amazing weekend and it was one of the first times in so long that i really and truely had a fab amazing time.

There have been lots of things going on in my life lately... i'm over eight weeks without a cigarette (woohoo ), my twin turned up out of the blue on holiday from australia, my poor Aunt is back on chemo and i cant see her because i've been sick, lots of rubbish going on in work that i'm sick of and i've been suffering badly with my shoulder. I've been back to the doc, and went to a physiotherapist three times so far getting treatment done. My Doc says its tendonitis in my shoulder and the physiotherapist thinks there are other things going on. for starters there is a problem with my neck. The physiotherapist says its almost like a delayed whiplash. Its very very uncomfortable and its causing me so much grief. I've read two books in two months and am slowly making my way around some Burns poetry and this is because i cant sit too long reading without being in complete agony. I've gotten so angry and frustrated so often that a few times i've wanted to cry...

Also there is an issue with two of my joints (arm/ shoulder and collar bone) which is causing her some worry and now wants me to get x-rays done.

The worse thing about it all is that with the three problems (tendonitis, whiplash and joint issues) i'm having difficulty sleeping. The pain makes it difficult. Infact over the last 2.5 months i'd be lucky if i'd slept the equivalent of an average persons sleep over a two- three week period. I've had days were i've been on the border of delirium which is not good in work. I'm exhausted. And even my pain killers dont work sometimes...

The problem with being tired is that my concentration levels are zapped. I've had more than enough moments i've now dubbed as "dumb" that more than likely wouldnt have happened if i was fresh as a daisy and well slept. I'm reading things back to front and inside out, i'm cranky and my brain is thinking about and over things way too much.
A couple of very good and important people from here have kept me sane these last few months on almost a daily bases, even if they havent been aware of the true extent of my depletion, and i truely love them both very much for it. I'd probably have had a breakdown by now to be honest! i've been close a couple of times.

So my trip to Edinburgh was something i was really looking forwards to. (as i am for two other very exciting meet ups) It was my first time away with a group of people i'd never met before. And it was to one of my favourite places on the planet. It was also a break from my reality of work, home, money, doctors and physio bills, pain and exhaustion. I needed it even if i only got about 13 hours sleep between 10am thursday and midnight last night.
We had a special night out dedicated to a friend who is ill and couldnt go and i let my hair down for the first time in a very very very long time. I just didnt care and i enjoyed myself. I even kissed a really cute guy who was very sweet...

It was nice to get attention again from someone of the opposite sex and of course this got my head reeling and it struck something that i had wondered about and tried to dismiss a lot lately. It caused a warm acceptance that i was going to mention... but... i wont or rather cant... not aloud and not here... you see its transfigured... it is no longer relevant. Funny how things like that happen.

I've just had a day where i've done nothing but think and stare at walls... as i've already said, i've spent an awful lot of time lately thinking about an awful lot of things... where i'm going, what i want out of life, who really are important to me... all the whos, the whats, the wheres, the whens, the hows, and the whys of so much to do with my life and the life around me and the people in it. I'm sure more than a few of you have seen posts around here where i've been giving out to myself and this is mainly because of all this overthinking that would have driven me insane ages ago if not for said people... and the over thinking i've put down to sleep deprivation and not being able to relax enough to control my thoughts...hell... even what i say!

On the other hand many of the things i want to say, the ones that i should say are those i've caged and locked up... because i fear they will have an opposite effect than what i would hope.

You see... i think fear is a dreadful thing. Why is it that the people that are the most important ones in your life... then ones you would bend over backwards for... those that have their own special individual and unique compartments in your heart are the ones you fear the most? And i dont mean fear as in terrified of but fear for, and cause you the most fear. And the main fear is the fear of loss. I love my family and my friends but there are certain ones I love the most and these are the ones that I truely dont want to lose in my life. they are too important. But, life doesnt always go the way we wont it too... what in love and friendship we choose, in life we loose.

em... right... so i've lost track of what i was writing... what the whole point of this was... stupid thoughts!

So anyway... i think it best i sign off before i go off on another tangent of thoughts...

to sum up... my life is a mess of so many things right now, a lot of the time i feel like just curling up. Also there is the dreaded weight gain which hasnt helped my confidence at all...
But in saying that, even with all this going on... the odd thing is, (other that being a bit blue today) I'm very happy. I'm smiling a lot more than i have in years, parts of my life are very content, I'm joking and laughing a lot(although when i'm especially tired my jests come out wrong) some old wounds have been healed (and some very very old ones too), and i have some of the best people ever to thank for that... One more than anyone else. You'll never really know the full extent of how much you mean to me for everything. Thank you. With all my heart, thank you.

So now that i've written this rather pointless blog entry, which is probably the only one of this length, this confusing and muddled in my intire blog, i think i'll lie down and see if i can get even a couple of minutes sleep during the day... or just lie there and more than likely think "did i write anything i shouldnt have?" "maybe i should delete it" etc etc

xxx