Sipping the Tea

Ah, Wisp. Life is a struggle I'm afraid. Don't become like the jerks, but you do have to gather up some back bone and not let people walk over you. It comes with age and having these kind of events occur. Maturity is a process.

I know where you are coming from here. I first became a manager last June - was 26 then - and had a huge problem initially getting people to do what was required of them to get their jobs done (I was basically the same age or younger than a lot of my crew - and also had been with the company only 4 months before my promotion). I, like you, am one of those people who will basically just get stuff sorted myself in order to avoid a confrontation - so I would be quite often pulling 11/12 hour shifts getting everyone else's work sorted out.

I'm not sure if you are aware of your ABC's of leadership, but most people automatically fit into one of the following categories:
A - Autocratic
B - Bureaucratic
C - Charasmatic
D - Democratic
OR
E - Easy going

I was a mix of C & E, I tried to lead more by example & hope seeing me busting my *** to get things done would in someway inspire others to do the same - of course it didnt they saw me work harder & slacked twice as much. By the time Xmas had arrived I'd figured out my problem - I was using a different technique: F - Failed Leadership. I wasnt recognising that different people react to different leadership styles differently - and in order to maximise performance I had to learn how to adapt my methods to work with each individual. Of course there are always a few rotten eggs that are just impossible to work with, but I think I am finally getting there with regards to our practices - and I'm sure you will get there too

Oh Wispy! That sounds like an awful day! I was the same way in elementary and most of junior high- I was a weenie. I let people pick on me. It takes a lot of courage to stand up to those bullies, I can say from experience. But once you prove to them that you will not back down, (it may take a few times) they won't cross you again! I see how you work with words, and I think that would be your best tool to put them in their place. (A showdown like the OK corral would be a little over the top, but in the back where you can say what you need without customers around would work)
There is absolutely no worse feeling than to be trampled on- in the workplace or anywhere. Virgil's words hold true- next time they try to walk on you, you let them know that is not okay. Especially if you have seniority over them. Even if you end up becoming the biggest b*tch on the face of the planet to them, they need to know their place on the totem pole!
I wish I could give you more than just words, but I'm afraid my confidence emails never reach their destination with any of it left.
Best of luck, and have confidence that you are better than those punks! Challenge them to a poetry duel! I bet they wouldn't stand a chance! You can do it Wispy!

It is too bad that the owners of the place can't see beyond profits to check out the politics of the place. That is stooooopid in my eyes. You need a well-oiled machine to get profits.

But sad that you are having to deal with this mis-management on their behalf. All you can do is collect your paycheque, having worked to earn it. It does not matter that you don't have bestfriends in the workplace -- you are kind of stuck with these people and do have to make the best of it. One good thing is that the kitchen people did notice the nonsense, and so you can rest assured that it is indeed not you. I don't know what else to say, because I have had to deal with this kind of no-win situation time and time again. There are a$$holes in every workplace, and when we cannot change things we must change the way that we look at things (to survive?). Good luck, wispy.

That sounds awful! You have my sympathy, for what that's worth. You are always going to come across utter gits in life, and the workplace is usually a prime location. But don't be hard on yourself - its not your fault. Those slackers will get their just-desserts in time - don't let them face you down. I'll bet if you have a go at them, they'll be so surprised they'll snap to it!

That is an interesting response Kilt. I had not thought to answer Wispy along the lines of leadsership, but it's true. It does take a bit of maturing to get the hang of leadership. I guess the first time I was in charge of a project I was around 25 or 26 also. It is intimidating for someone at that age. Not sure if I was that good then. It took a good five or six years to get the hang of leadership. Interesting your A,B,C,D,E catagories Kilt. I would also add that an experienced manager manages to the requirements of his team. If I'm dealing with a completely young and inexperienced team, then no question autocratic is in order. And frankly they look toward an autocratic leader at that level. If I'm dealing with an experienced team, I'm definitely more of a consensus builder, which i take as D for democratic. That is my natural leadership style. But one has to grow as a leader to where you can change with the team. That's not easy for a young person. At your age, Wispy, you're just trying to get through the day. I understand. I think at one point you need to flat out exert your power and dictate something, so they will understand that you ultimately are in charge. After they get that, then you can start compromising.

Thank you all so, so much for taking the time to comment!! I did come out a little braver in the end today... The store manager, cool guy, came into the breakroom for a smoke (I don't smoke, but I'll sip on some coffee if I've got a minute to spare) and complimented me on SA'ing today (Service Assistant - you basically make sure everything is ready for the food to be taken out, and on busy Sunday mornings after church lets out, two SAs are crucial to keeping the pace. You have to, basically, joust with, bribe, and/or throw things like orange slices at people to get them to take trays out. Not really.) It confused me that I was given the assignment in the first place - same with checker- because I'm still not at the right par level in serving (we take tests and I haven't taken mine yet), but ... whatever. And then I had to come back two hours after my shift ended and waitress but hey - money! Anyway, he was impressed, but ... patted the seat next to him, so I could sit, and I did, and said,

"But you know you have to fix something."
"I need to yell louder."
"... Well. no. You need to be more.. um... "
"Assertive?"
"Yes. I'm not saying that you did your job wrong - in fact, the servers were lazy today and the grill cooks were besting them four to fourteen, and that's just sad. You and Harry did what you could, but they didn't. Don't be afraid to call them out on it."


Skib, kiz, and Lokasenna- I really should learn to open my mouth. I've always thought it was wiser to shut it, to turn the other cheek - and I still hold to that, but it's just a matter of knowing, like M said, what's more important. The people need their food, the restaurant needs to be clean, and if everyone ends up being angry at me for that...

At least the people will have their food, be happy, and the restaurant will be clean and welcoming.

Kilted - I haven't heard of that before, but that's interesting! (Ooo, secret world of managers! ) I bet things are better now for you!! Yeah, some people do need to be worked with differently than others ... and looking at it, I really do (for the most part - I have five of them total) have really wonderful managers who know how to tweak us each as individuals. Mike teases me, Lise drives me into paranoia (and then calls me gullible), Paul -well, irk - Berry tells me stories, and the store manager always takes me aside and calms me down before I can even panic. This may sound immodest, but I don't see the firm side of people because for the most part of my life, I've never had a need to.... I'll start watching them more carefully, see how they act towards the others, and try to be assertive.. Thanks so much!!!!

Virgil - thank you for BOTH of your comments. I DO need to more autocratic. It just pains me - I never asked to be put in a leadership position at the restaurant on top of waitressing. I guess I just have to take it as it comes - I can't turn it in. There may be plenty of blunders and I'll probably be walking out of the restaurant d*mning them all many times before I realize that there are benefits (for resumes, for a raise). I wish they would have picked someone else to do this, but... I can't tell them no and risk losing good things.

However I... I'm not trying to just get through the day, if that makes sense. Gosh, you know, there's that awful fifteen minute split in the day when I run from class to my car and work when it feels that way- "I just need to get there, get out - homework, sleep, does it end?" But every day the future lays out before me longer than before - and there will be loans to pay back when I get out of college and so many things to do that sometimes 'today' ends up getting pushed aside in preparation for tomorrow. I know I have a lot of growing up to do- growing up and away from this past image of me, awkward and timid, though I have been a leader before (quite a few times)- such as helping to found and maintain WOOF, our organization of freethinkers here at college... but perhaps it's not so much maturity, to me (I may very well be wrong), as much as a matter of ... knowing that I'm in right, that I'm confident in my maturity (and perhaps that could be another step of maturing in itself, certainly)... that this isn't middle school. That beyond my love for all things of childhood, stories, songs - I'm a woman, and I should be able to balance kindness, respect, and authority and come out sane and still myself at the end of the day.


It's a lot to do, but... I think I can do it. Thanks so, so much for all of your pep talks, guys!! I'll put them all to use!!

What an awful experience, it must be extremely frustrating. I'm afraid I can't advise - be more assertive, use strong body language without showing a fist! what I can tell you is that I was a bit like you at school, awkward, geeky, unattractive, but hey GEEKS ROCKS! I realise this now. I think you're too worried about what others think, I like the person I have become and I think that's the first step - love thyself first!

Like Kilted, i was four months in my job when i was promoted to a temporary supervisor. There were people there for a year or two longer than I who got very pissed by this. It was a tough thing for me, especially in the envirnment i work in, with a total of 100 staff. After about two weeks of temp supervisor i got made a summer night pack supervisor and was basically left one my own with no guidence to create rosters and organise staff. it was nuts. But i learned a lot from it. when that finished i went back to temp supervising and i made so many mistakes. I was too nice at first because i didnt want people to resent me, which mean a lot of people walked all over me. It took me a while to cop on and i slowly started to be more tougher on getting the work done. When i was made a full time supervisor three years ago it became even more important to not let people walk all over me. I admit at one point i got a bit to harsh on the staff and i learned a lot from that. I think now three and a half years later, and working as an acting DM, i have finally found a balance. The work gets done, the staff can talk to me about things and at the same time respect it if i pull them up over something.
But it took me a long time to get to this point. I was a very shy person with hardly any confidence and becoming a temp supervisor helped build my confidence and my ablity to interact with people and tell people what to do. When i started in my job four years ago (tomorrow) i never dreamed that the job would change me so much. I think the important thing for me was to find that balance between compassionate and firm... mind you the supervisor i work with says i'm too nice most of the time!

hey wispy, those girls sound like real b****es.
I work in a similar job (at the popcorn stand at a cinema) and we have this closing and checker thingy, too. None of my colleagues are nasty but some are really lazy and dash off to have a smoke during working hours without asking the boss's permission etc.
Anyway, do you remember the exact phrasing you used when you asked that girl to restock the coffee ?
You see, some people (depending on the cultural background etc) prefer polite requests and won't do a thing if you give them a clear order. I.e. you've got to ask them politely "Could you please do this and that???".
But others don't understand polite requests. You can try "Liz, would you restock the coffee, thank you" (in a polite but crisp tone) and then turn away from her. "Thank you" implies that she doesn't really have a choice because you normally only thank someone after they've done it. Your turning your attention to something else gives her a chance to comply without losing her face. You know what I mean? If you keep looking at her, she'll feel under pressure to defend herself and will keep backchatting. If she grumbles and mutters just ignore it. That's secondary as long as she does what you asked her to do.
Then you can return after a while and check if she's done it. If she hasn't, just keep badgering her "Liz, have you restocked the coffee?"
Be a broken record. But keep your sentences neat and short. DON'T say "Have you finally done it? No? Why not, how many times do I need to tell you? And besides this country is going to the dogs and how do you think you'll ever get a proper job with an attitude like this blablabla".
When people backchat don't yell at them. Yelling is the worst you can do because it is what they want. They want to provoke an emotional response from you because that means they are powerful and can influence your behaviour.
Let's have a look at the scene you described and I'll add some suggestions about how you can react in the future:

But second-cut girl was irritable too - I told her to restock the regular coffee and she said, all angrily: "It's obviously full."

"You could fit half a pack in there without over-filling it."

Here you took her bait by replying to her arguments. But you didn't ask her opinion, did you? So if she gives you her opinion don't reply to it. E.g.
You: *tell her to restock the coffee*
She: "It's obviously full."
You: *glare at her but don't say anything for a while, repeat your request word-by-word, walk out on her and leave her some time to do it*

Don't tell her it's not full. If it was full you wouldn't have asked her to restock it END OF STORY. There was a reason you asked her to do it. Don't lose sight of that reason while she acts up. But: DON'T tell her "Listen if it was full I wouldn't ask you to fill it up."
Glaring can do miracles. If someone turns away from you to avoid your gaze, continue glaring at the back of their head, their shoulders, whatever. It drives people nuts. Glaring is a good way of threatening someone because they can see in your eyes that you are angry but as long as you don't say anything they can't be sure how you'll react (whether you're really angry, what you're going to do etc). So this gives them the creeps because it means they can't influence your behaviour. Now they are in a powerless position because their future (re-)actions depend on your behaviour but you are withholding your reaction and making them wait.
If you are too shy to glare at people, practice it at home. Glare at your fridge or ask a friend, sibling, etc. to practice it with you.