Silas Thorne's Journal

This one Silas I think you're just rying too hard. I mean the language is energetic, but I think the phrases are forced in a lot of places. "voices out of alignment," "Blood beats us hard with rain," "we spit oil," "sprinkles tinsel in the mouths of starving fishes," "the circular sawbird/carves up the sky to ragged flames," and "slouching Summer's lot." Some of those really don't make sense, or perhaps I can't make sense out of them, and some are reaches. Perhaps one or two stretches I can see but when almost every line is this way, then I think the whole poem feels like a stretch. Now I will say the diction and tone and rhythm really compliment the themes.

Thanks for your comments Virgil! Maybe it should really be in the Weird Poetry thread. I guess I played with this one too much and I killed it. The metaphors and words took over, making it really difficult for people to get into I suppose. It stuck to me inside like oil in my lungs and I had to get it out, and this is what happened.
...it's good there are some positive things I can take from this though.

I just never had a knack for poetry. I like Dark Muse on Litnet becasue she conjures up some of the most outrageous memories from my psyche. I'll read yours then I see Virgil's critiques and I'm left confused because I just like what I read--mostly.

I don't really know what to make of it either. I thought it might be a sort of joke on machismo and war at first, mainly because it does seem so overwrought. Still, has a certain toothy, alliterative satisfaction about it in places.