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friendship

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by
motherhubbard
, 03-12-2009 at 02:21 PM (1326 Views)
I’ve been so antisocial lately that I don’t even know anyone anymore. Sometimes I ask why I would join a social networking group. I’m incredibly antisocial. During times when I have to be social for work, volunteer programs, public speaking situations, mentoring and stuff like that, I’m faking it. I sound nice and social and interested, but it’s a big CONSPIRACY THEORY. (had to get that in somehow)

So in real life, not here of course because I love you people- seriously, I don’t really make a lot of friends. When someone puts out a little effort at being my friend I don’t reciprocate. It’s not personal, I’m flattered, but it’s not going to happen.

I do have a best friend now. I love her so much and I’m so happy that we are friends. We didn’t mean to be friends at all. She was actually friends with my sister. We are in the same education program and I ran into her at school one day. I don’t know how it got started but we got to talking about the amazing transformation that happens to boobs as women age. I insisted that large old lady boobs were the worst and she insisted that small ones were. So we drew these little pictures of what large and small old lady boobs look like to see who was right. It turns out that they are both pretty bad so we called it a tie. Since the boob pictures we’ve been best friends, that’s been about three years. I’ve known her for about 15 years though, just not well. I was talking with one of our teachers one day and she brought up my friend, but not by name. I said ‘Oh, I think you’re talking about my very best friend.’ She replied ‘Maybe. What’s your friend’s last name?’ I didn’t have a clue! We are like sisters and were even at that time, but I had no idea what her last name was. I was so embarrassed. Anyway, this is a relationship that really adds joy to my life and that means something to me. I think I’ll try to hang on to it.

This is a real deviation from my regular M.O. People change, circumstances change. I don’t expect to like the same people in ten years. I guess I’ve never really needed a friend before so it wasn’t so important to me. But, actually that’s not true. I had a friend once, one that I loved.

I was such a lousy friend. I ended the friendship in the meanest way I could. I don’t know what I was thinking that could have justified such cruelty. I’ve always felt bad about that. It was like a sin that I couldn’t forgive myself of partly because I couldn’t ask for forgiveness from my friend. Now that I haven’t seen this person in nearly 20 years and I’ve carried this guilt and blamed myself, I’ve sort of placed this old friend on a pedestal. It’s stretched for sure, but not completely undeserving. I have to say that I would not have made it through some situations without this dear friend. That is no exaggeration, but I am uncomfortable with all of the lurid details. My husband suggested I Google his name. I had not done this before because I feel so much shame for being such a lousy person. I took his advice and found him. He writes book reviews and has a blog. I’ve gone back and read all of his blogs, book reviews, and articles. I sent him an e-mail. He did not respond, but I knew he would not. It was nice to make my apology and express my appreciation after all of these years. I’m proud of him and I love him - not in a romantic sense. It’s easier to love someone you haven’t had to see or tolerate for 20 years in some ways. I guess I should say that I’m proud of him and I love who he has become in my imagination - again not romantically.

I wonder if I will still have my new friend in 20 years. I would say that it’s unlikely because we really are so similar especially when it comes to friendships. Maybe that will work in our favor.

This pointless ramble doesn’t really go anywhere from here.
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Comments

  1. kiz_paws's Avatar
    I am glad that you were able to find and contact your old friend and try to make peace -- if not to patch things up, then at least so that you could get some peace of mind knowing that you reached out to him after all these years.

    Even if this person never does contact you, I know that he will forever appreciate the gesture that you have just done. You were brave, M-H, you rock.
  2. Virgil's Avatar
    What a nice blog entry Mom-H. Hey we all make mistakes like that in life. You have tried to make amends. It's too bad he didn't acknowledge it, but you've done all you can.

    Anyway you remind me of my mother. (I don't mean the old lady boobs ) My mother just doesn't make friends. She doesn't want them. She's friendly and all but once someone starts getting too close she pushes them away. Her whole focus has always been her family, immediate and extended. An Italian woman moved a few houses down from her a few years ago and they got friendly for a while. Then they had an argument and she never talked to her again and wouldn't do anything about reviving the friendship even after the other lady tried to repeatedly make up.

    When I started working I took my parents to Italy and visit the relatives. They had not gone back since their immigration, oh over 20 years before. (They could never afford such a trip.) Anyway I was surprised to find my mother had a childhood friend, a lady. She had never married and still lived in the small town my parents were from. They had lost touch. I had never seen someone with whom my mother was a close friend. It was interesting to see my mother relate to her. They were a little stand offish, but still they talked of their past. I could see in my imagination how they must have paled around. They never kept in touch after that again. That was it. And that was over twenty years ago from now.
  3. motherhubbard's Avatar
    I know that it may sound cold to some people. I understand that ability to have a friendship and be able to walk away from it completely. If for some reason I just got busy and couldn't call my friend it would be fine. Even if the rest of my life passed without that friendship. My sister is not like that. She has this huge social network. It’s a lot of work to maintain all of those friendships. You have to call, visit, go to weddings, birthday parties, funerals… I just don’t have that in me. In fact I haven’t been to my friend’s house in about five months. We’ve accidentally come across each other at the grocery store a couple of times. We talk on the phone most days and that’s enough for both of us. We both have four kids and homework. We both garden and raise animals. Neither of us need another person to take care of. What is nice about the friendship is that we have each found a person that offers help and understanding. Neither of us have really had that before- not like this.
  4. mtpspur's Avatar
    I have at least two male friends that have stood the test of time and aggravation and there are some friends that have left me in years gone by and I still mourn their loss. Currently I have an online friend that's about to go off to medical school and I am already feeling abandoned as a very nice freindship had developed in a very short time and I was very comfortable taking back and forth and could just be myself flaws and all so online time will be greatly curtailed in a couple weeks. Yur entry was honest and forthright but I'm a cautious social netter--wants the friendsship but afraid of losing them once gained.
  5. pussnboots's Avatar
    I'm like you in a ways M-H. I don't make friends easily either. I have a lot of friends ( although I would consider them more acquaintances than good friends). I like it that way since I was burned by a real close friend years ago. I did everything for this person. I was there for her during her first wedding which turned into divorce, I was there for her when she was depressed, everything a friend could possibly do for someone, I was always there for her. Over time I got to see what she really was, a true B---H!!!!!. I ended our friendship shortly after I was married.

    I now have a real good friend that I met at my old gym. We talk about everything and are there for each other. I think what makes this friendship special is that we don't do everything together. We walk together 3 times a week and we email each other almost every day. We do not put demands on each other. This works for me.
  6. motherhubbard's Avatar
    I think it could be that we don't make demands of each other, but we do ask for help when we need it. I have to say, though, it's just as big of a blessing to help my friend than it is to have her help. Sometimes we'll let all of the other's kids spend the night. I never have a babysitter, ever. In fifteen years my husband and I have had a babysitter maybe four times. I always tell myself that if I needed more help God would make sure I had it. I think He has more confidence in me than I deserve. But it’s wonderful to have someone who would love to help me. She's in the exact same boat. It's nice to know we can leave our kids with the other and the other will enjoy them as much as we do and take care of them as well.
  7. SleepyWitch's Avatar
    hey mother h, I read this a while back and wanted to comment, but it took me a while to figure out what I think...
    so, here goes...
    I don't think you're "antisocial" just because you don't make friends easily. Who said you have to have a "huge" social network in order not to be "antisocial"? If you don't like to spend lots of time at parties, weddings, funerals etc, noone should force you to go, least of all a friend. I mean, if a friend is getting married, she's getting married to her husband, not to you, right? So why should you be there if you really don't want to?
    I have a small but close circle of friends and like you and your best friend we don't make demands on each other. When people make demands on each other and expect their 'friends' to spend all their free time with them or be available for free time activities whenever it suits them, it probably means that those people are desperate or bored or don't know what to do with themselves when they're on their own for 2 seconds. That's nothing to do with friendship. If someone is bored, they should call a party service, read a book, play a computer game, whatever. Besides, it's quality that counts, not quantity. I think there is a lot of pressure nowadays to have loooooaaaads of friends just to prove that one is not "antisocial". It's like a popularity contest or something.
    By the way, I think it's a bonus to be "antisocial" (i.e. detached etc.) when you volunteer or do mentoring. Otherwise you'll get emotionally involved in people's problems and once you get involved you can't help them because you'll get bogged down in their perspective and can't offer them any alternatives.