~Sophia's~ Choice

That was beautiful sophia.
The last two lines seem to put all of life into perspective.
And I loved how you spelled pity.

Thanks Kevin! The word Piti in Haitian means small. The other pity... universal.

Hugs.

Piti Wisp.

*hugSophia* You have a heart as wide as the ocean, whose feelings run just as deep.

It's a touching poem Sophia and thanks for that article. Where would the world be without the compassion of many people. Two words kind of ring a little corny to my ear in here if your looking for critique, and this is strictly a critique of word choice. "Cruising" and "incubus" both ring like lyrics to a heavy metal rock song. Actually perhaps the "incubus" criticism is from a personal prejudice I have against that word. It has such a weird stress pattern to the syllables that I never like the way it rolls off the tongue. Cruising in relation to prostitution has been around a long time and in a short poem kind of begins to feel like a cliche. But perhaps only approaches a cliche.

Not sure what to think of the last line. On one hand it's striking, on the other just clever. The ambiguity of "virgin" is great to me, but while I see the pun on "vein" it kind of just rings overly smart. I will say I certainly like the pun on "pity" but I'm not quite sure why it doesn't have the same depth on "vein."

These are high level critiques Sophia. If you were a beginner or even an intermediate level poet i would probably say it's just fine. I think you're beyond intermediate.

Aw Piti Wisp, thanks. You are a wonderful friend!!!

__________________________________________

Hi Virgil. Thanks for taking a good look. There were only a few words I could readily come up with in the second line. Cruising, shopping, negotiating. I chose cruising perhaps because I wanted to be very overt with this poem. No hidden meanings. I also struggled the same way with incubus but it was the word that instantly described rape, humiliation, an unconscious state of being etc etc.

The whole poem is about Aids and for the most part it's passed through sex or intravenously. I wasn't consciously trying to be clever, I was trying to drive it home (so to speak).

Thanks for writing that you think my poems are beyond intermediate. I will ponder a lot more on your gentle and thoughtful critique. If there are edits, I'll post them here. Thanks again Virgil!

I'd also like to mention that when I wrote this poem I used some lines from several other short poems I'd previously written but in re-reading them found I was dissatisfied with their outcome.

I did however think a few of the lines from the shorts were worthy of keeping and used them as anchors for this poem.

I'm not sure any of my poems are ever done. Each time I re-read one I think "oh, this could be better if I had written it this way or that way". Some poems like "Spanish Lessons" I have never edited. They felt right in the initial creation and with each subsequent read. But others disappoint me when I've gone back.

I know there are those who strictly adhere to the "never edit what you write" school of thought. I disagree with that philosophy but to each his/her own. I think workshops, comments and revisions are invaluable. I am getting happier with this one but have had a few suggestions I'm digesting.

I suppose the only time an author can't change or rearrange their work is if it's published in a book. Luckily, none of mine are LOL.

I find if I write a short poem, it becomes effective if I put my heart into it. It gets awkward if I try to stretch my feelings out. Powerful poem, Sophie.

Thanks ala! (sounds like a prayer or chant LOL)! I also find at times - when the heart changes, the poem needs revising too. I don't know about anyone else here but, I've looked back at love poems written when I was "in" and happily dismantled them after I fell "out". Poetry is so personal. An audible sigh.

Your compassion shines in every poem, I believe, Sophia. I loved this poem, the last verse was awesome.

Thank you Kiz!!! You are always so kind!

Interesting how languages work. In Sanskrit Pîti means joy.

'I suppose the only time an author can't change or rearrange their work is if it's published in a book.'

I think Dylan Thomas wrote that there were many poems he stopped working on because he spent too much time on these and he had to keep on writing new ones.

It is interesting and that meaning would certainly change the poem! I just looked it up on line and found this as well.

Creole piti little, small.
Croatian piti drink.
Ecuador piti fraction.
Haitian Creole Piti little.
Hungarian piti jerkwater, petty.
Serbian (Latin Script) piti drink.
Tahitian piti two.
Turkmen piti pot.
Welsh piti pity.

Hi Silas. I agree with DT. There are always new ones to be written but sometimes an older one will call to you and, you've got to go. (at least it happens to me)