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The (not so) Inner Whinings of an Impatient Rambler

I'm bad at this...

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by
*Classic*Charm*
, 03-14-2009 at 02:19 AM (1749 Views)
So, I knew when I started this whole blog thing that it was going to be a dud because I've never been the "record what's on your mind" type. I tried keeping diaries when I was younger, but it did absolutely nothing for me. The first entry would always be the introduction to my present self, which was always exactly the same because I am almost entirely the same person I was when I was 8.

I still love horses
I still love music
I still love to read
I still want to be a vet when I grow up
I still don't like people

I'd then proceed to make some violent declaration of my intentions to remain faithful and dedicated to the current painstakingly hidden-and-locked notebook. My promises were always heartfelt and meaningful at the time. When I wrote that, I really did intend to write in it every day, confide in its eager pages the depths of my innocent soul. And I would keep my promises for the first week or two.

But really, what happens in the life of an eight year old that requires the silent confidence of a diary? Maybe those ridiculous eight-year-olds who were chasing boys around at recess. "Dear Diary, Billy is the boy of my dreams!" and all that jazz. Nope. My diary got the account of my weekly riding lesson, the update of what books I had read, aannnnd...a little bit of my making fun of the Dreamboat-Billy girls. Even when I was eight I was shaking my head at them. I'd usually conclude with some sentiment of my current state of sleeplessness due to excessive homework completion and then I would sign it, as though when I was looking back on these entries someday, I would need to recall what my name was.

So this is how the pages would thicken for a couple of weeks. Then, there's the entry that signals the inevitable break-up of my forced diary relationship: it would include some form of the statement "school's going to be busy for the next week, so I'll be back as soon as I can!". Yeah right. So long, notebook. Twas nice, but the remainder of your pages are being left, barren, to yellow for eternity, or the day I throw you out, whichever comes first.

And that was it. I was never an emotional writer, either. Not one of those random-thought-recorders or an angsty poet. I'd rather write a damn good argumentative essay than a poem of any kind, let alone one filled with Poor Me, Look How Bad I Hurt. Okay, now maybe I'm being a touch insensitive.

By the poetry bit, I suppose we've moved on to high school now. Now there's a charming tidbit of life that I suppose would have been the time when normal girls turn to the confines of their old pal Diary, the only friend who doesn't gossip and judge and steal boyfriends, etc, etc. (aw man, again with the insensitivity). And yet again, I had no desire to spill my guts onto a page. Maybe putting everything into literal terms scares me. Who knows? All I know is that writing my feelings in a diary never did me any good whatsoever. It just took time and energy away from resolving the feelings.

As I said, I'm essentially the same person as I was when I was eight years old. I have no patience for the general public; I don't trust you until you give me a reason to; I know what I want and I will not settle; I'm quick to be defensive; I do not like, dislike, or show indifference, I only Love or Hate; I over-think everything; I am a snob (not so) deep down; I panic when things don't go as planned. That's pretty much me.

And yet, ladies, gentleman, black abyss, I am typing away here like it's my job. I'm really not sure why.

Partially it's because it's night. I'm most awake at night. Between 11pm and 4am my mind starts to race and all my senses seem to go on high alert. I feel very alive at night, like I could go for a run and just run for hours.

I suppose my point it is that this blog was really another attempt to record my innermost workings for who-knows-what reason, I feel bad for not having kept up with it, and I'm wide awake and feeling sentimental. And yet again, I come through with nothing spectacular. I have no drama, no poetry. It seems to me as though I have nothing to relate to others of my kind, and really, that's sort of the story of my life.

So. This is my sentiment.

To all the lonely diaries I left stranded in transit. To their rusted locks, naked pages, abandoned secrets, and undesired sanctuary. May you find peace in the fact that you were not burdened with the confusion of a girl's disjunction with life, and relief that you never belonged to a girl who dreamed about Billy.

To this blog, and those generous enough to read it. Someday I'll come up with something worth your time. I promise.
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Comments

  1. Joreads's Avatar
    Charm that is one of the best blogs I have read. You and I are really a lot alike just ask my sister who I made read this and she agreed.
  2. Virgil's Avatar
    I guess a diary is what you want to record. I don't think there are any rules. Same with a blog. I don't use mine to record my life. Hey I liked this blog as well.
  3. ~Sophia~'s Avatar
    Classic! It read like an excellent short story. Held my interest all the way through. I'm not really sure what a blog is but this is an enticing one!
  4. andave_ya's Avatar
    hahaha, splendid!! I loved reading this. I thought the same about keeping a diary (my first one, when I was eight, held the same ridiculousness. "Taunt Samia came today and we went to the mall and had chinese food. Signed, Mary Sue.") I slugged through one (5 yrs.) and since then kept to blogging. Thanks for a splendid entry!
  5. mtpspur's Avatar
    Well I kept a diary as a teenager but my mother read it so I destroyed it--wished now I had kept it-sigh. I enjoyed your entry and was intrigued by the line about not trusting one until you are given a reason to. I have none to offer and feel therefore a firm foundation of trust but I'm cranky that way. Keep bloging any way that suits you and I liked oyur entry also.
  6. LadyWentworth's Avatar
    Hey! Welcome to the world of blogs!! I didn't know that you'd started one.

    Anyway, all I have to say is that I thoroughly enjoyed this entry. You and I think so much alike that it is almost scary.

    I still don't like people
    I have no patience for the general public
    I only Love or Hate
    I have to admit that I had quite a broad smile when I read those words. It is good to know that there are others out there that feel the same way.

    Anyway, I kept a diary when I was a kid. BUT my brother found it. I wouldn't have known that had he not read what I wrote and then TOLD people what I wrote. I first heard about it from another brother. Then I heard it from the "bad" brother's girlfriend. HIS GIRLFRIEND!!!! Needless to say I never kept another one. I tried to do it again not too long ago, but I just can't seem to keep up with it. The idea of a diary sounds pleasing to me because it is the one place where I can go off about everything, but obviously there is always the chance that it won't be something that is entirely mine. I think that tainted diary-keeping for me forever. As for blogs, I have said enough on here, but before I ever finalize the entry, for the entire world to see, I edit it over and over again. It is actually quite obssessive, but maybe it goes back to the prying again, and I just want to be extra cautious on what I write. It is a bit of paranoia, I guess, on my part that makes me terrible at keeping a diary and not the best at blog-writing.

    Besides, I get bored doing that, too. The diary, that is.

    Great entry!
  7. *Classic*Charm*'s Avatar
    Ah! People!

    Thank you, Jo! Whoa, that's quite a compliment! I knew there was a reason we got along so well! Oh goodness this really has been seen by the outside world **runs and hides**

    Thanks, Virg! I suppose it is.

    Thanks, Sophia, glad you enjoyed it.

    Thank you, Andya! Haha, yes, my favourite part of looking back on them is the progression of my signature!

    Thanks, Spur, I think I will. You just never know what I might come up with.

    Thank you, Lady! Yes, I've yet to actually meet someone with as extreme a personality as myself in the love-hate department. It also makes me extremely obsessive. It makes me nervous sometimes. Luckily, I can safely say that my brothers (I have three) would never have done that. And one thing I do NOT do is edit. Ever. Because I know once I start, I'll keep changing until it's lost everything of what it originally was.
  8. Mathor's Avatar
    I feel completely the way you do. I have attempted to start so many of these things, but then I start to think "what is so important in my life that it deserves to be written down". Like a day at school, nothing would happen really, so should I write that down? Sometimes in life you just don't do anything, your thoughts come in quickly, but later aren't important enough to write down. If you feel the way I do, then you've proven yourself wrong. Because this is a very well-written entry.

    To all the lonely diaries I left stranded in transit. To their rusted locks, naked pages, abandoned secrets, and undesired sanctuary. May you find peace in the fact that you were not burdened with the confusion of a girl's disjunction with life, and relief that you never belonged to a girl who dreamed about Billy.
    Beautiful writing.

    Hopefully I can prove myself wrong and write an extensive blog where I detail everything in my life. But i'm not gonna get my hopes up. I think i'm just too spontaneous to dwell in the past. I over-think and make things a big deal at the time, then later when it would come down to write that stuff down it's just..gone.

    Keep on writing!
  9. LadyWentworth's Avatar
    Well, you're lucky to have brothers like that. But truth be told, I have 5 brothers. None of them would do something like that EXCEPT that particular one. Seriously, to this day, if he would think that he found something "private", he would read it and tell people. It is terrible.

    Yes. Keep up with the non-editing. I have ideas in my head of what I want to wirte. The words all sound so good as I write them, but as soon as I read to check any typos, and other mistakes, I start to edit things out because I find fault with everything that I write. So, everything ultimately is not what I originally intended on writing. So keep true to your written word and don't change it.
  10. *Classic*Charm*'s Avatar
    To Mathor- thank you! That's pretty much how I feel- there's nothing worth writing about! Though I am a past-dweller. It's a bad habit, and one that would not benefit from documentation. I remember everything as it is.

    To Lady- I find fault with what I write as well. Most of what I've written, I've never actually read. Whenever I wrote papers for school, I wrote them the night before in the middle of the night. I write arguments better under pressure and I'm more awake at night, so then as soon as I wrote out the paper, I typed it up and handed it in. I never read most of it. I'll edit for other people though!
  11. Zee.'s Avatar
    CC, gah, you remind me of me haha

    Pretty cool blog, i must say. x
  12. *Classic*Charm*'s Avatar
    Thank you