View RSS Feed

Insights from a person of questionable sanity

First draft

Rate this Entry
4 Comments
by
optimisticnad
, 04-03-2009 at 07:04 AM (1451 Views)
Any feedback would be great. It's in free verse but I'm still not sure about line composition and stanzas. Are all sonnets in metre? If so the in the line 'sonnets in metre' - 'in metre' would be reduntant.

Maybe I don't need the last line of the poem? Is it better with or without?


You don't know what it's like
wasting so so many years of your life

it's like chasing dandelions
in a gale
almost, almost in your grasp

It's never going to happen
- but they made it to the moon.
It's never going to happen
- but they've painted Black the white house.

It's like reading sonnets in metre
to the deaf

i eat, and i live, and i breathe, and
time nods my way like an acquaintance
across the street as they rush by.
Please
believe me when i say
i'm fine

Except when I think of you, alive, somewhere
lips to lips in a tender embrace,
or lying in your lover's arms
skin to skin in a sleepy haze.
You close your eyes on the day to dream
of a better tomorrow.

Dream me an existence in your tomorrow
then at least we will have every night
and when you close your eyes for the last time
- won't we have all eternity?

And I will dream the same, we'll have two
eternities together.

oh,

but,

an eternity of eternities still won't compensate this lifetime apart
in a world where - you fool,
open your eyes - dreams never come true
and fade away quicker than a dandelion on a windy summer's day

But how to beautiful to behold!

Updated 04-07-2009 at 02:02 PM by optimisticnad

Categories
Creative Writing

Comments

  1. AimusSage's Avatar
    At first it was a little disheaveled, but the end draws it nicely together.

    I do think there are too many buts in it though

    Not bad if you ask me, but I'm hardly an expert so you'd better wait for the people that know poetry and can give some real information.

    In the mean time, how about some turnip soup
  2. Virgil's Avatar
    Sonnets do not necessarily have to be in meter.

    This poem has good points and not so good points. The bad points first. Too many cliches:
    You don't know what it's like
    wasting so so many years of your life
    It's never going to happen
    - but they made it to the moon.
    i eat, and i live, and i breathe
    There are others. One can get away with a cliche strategically located but when they just come one after the other then it just clogs I'm afraid. Poetry is charged language and cliches are the very opposite of charged.

    I agree with Aimus, there are too many buts. But is one of the most powerful words in writing, showing contrat or a change in direction. All these buts does indicate a lack of direction, or dishelved (I like that phrase) as Aimus also says.

    The good points: I like quite a few turn of phrases.

    it's like chasing dandelions
    in a gale
    almost, almost in your grasp
    It's like reading sonnets in metre
    to the deaf
    Wow, that is really great!! That is charged language, an original similie or metaphor.

    time nods my way like an acquaintance
    across the street as they rush by.
    You seem to like similies. Another good one.

    Except when I think of you, alive, somewhere
    lips to lips in a tender embrace,
    or lying in your lover's arms
    skin to skin in a sleepy haze.
    Intense. Good imagery and you shifted into a conditional tense which gives us a nice change.

    But how to beautiful to behold!
    Is that a typo? I'm not sure I know how to read that.

    A poem with a good core that needs some more work Opti. Of course it's just my judgement.
  3. Virgil's Avatar
    I see I can't go back to edit, but I have a typo. I meant "showing contrast" not "showing contrat".
  4. optimisticnad's Avatar
    Thank you both for taking the time to comment! I'll get working ...