Captain Pike's Ship Log II

This is an e-mail to a friend along with her response



Date: Tue, 27 Jul 2004 03:58:24 -0700 (PDT)
From: "Phil {you know me as Captain Pike }
Subject: Thank you God, thank you Jane...
To: "Jane {details deleted }


Janie:
How you doin? I debated writing this to you but, I
decided ****-it, so here goes.
It was 4 years ago yesterday that I emerged from a 3
day using binge and failed romantic interlude with
someone that meant a great deal to me.

Partly due to what happened, I haven't needed to
drink, take drugs or womanize in an attempt to fill in
a gradually lessening emptiness within me.

Back then, for me, it seemed like I was given
everything I thought I could have possibly wanted:
Warm rainy, summer nights, a secluded hotel, a good
supply of the drugs I obsess over along with ample
paraphernalia for their use, AND a beautiful, young,
sexy and apparently willing woman of my dreams.

Yep, there I was at the pinnacle of my desires - I
couldn't think I anything else I wanted, as if God had
said, "OK, Phil, this what you want? Here you go,
mucho gusto!" And there are still several images of
that soiree I can't get shed of. One is the exquisite
tan-lined lanky posteriere of this gorgeous gift
browsing the little motel refrigerator.
But more poignant was the moment of clarity I felt
considering the following scene. Imagine: there is a
beautiful, naked, woman, high on drugs, lying
un-finished on the bed, quietly singing, and here I
am, across the room with my pipe in my hand, peeking
out the window from behind a curtain, in a paranoid
surveillance of an imagined world that is out to get
me.
Holy ****ing **** man! This is not how the fantasy
was supposed to be! The disease lied to me. Instead
of ecstasy and exaltation, I have drug-induced
performance anxiety (As Scott Weiland says, "I'm half
the man I used to be...")and guilt, shame and self
disgust! I have met this smart, pretty, witty and
fun-to-be-with babe in ****ing DRUG REHAB, for
Christ's sake!!! And here we are out relapsing (or
"lapsing" as she would say, since we haven't done it
before), and she is maybe hurting herself and later on
has a terrible migraine and is shivering - freezing to
death! This is what I've done to someone I admired
and "loved". And I realize lately, even more
important, this is what I've done to ME, an "OK" guy,
who I am just now beginning to love.
So, I'd like to apologize to this sensitive, special
human being because she gave me a precious gift. And
I'd like to apologize to and forgive myself because
even though I am a drug addict and powerless of my
addiction, I am not a bad person.

When ever my disease starts to saying "Hey, I've got a
great idea... listen to THIS...", I just say "You
again? Listen, I know what you've got, IF I COULDN'T
ENJOY THOSE NIGHTS, HOW IN HELL-ON-EARTH AM I GONNA
HAVE FUN BEING ALL BY MY SELF, OR ANYWHERE ELSE WITH
ANY AMOUNT OF ANY OF THAT ****!???"
When that DOG of my disease starts sniffing around, I
say "Go lie down!"


Hope you are well,

love -Phil

Date: Tue, 27 Jul 2004 11:19:07 -0700 (PDT)
From: "Jane {details deleted here }
Subject: Re: Thank you God, thank you Jane...
To: "Phil
Hey.
Wow. Ummmm....
Well. I can say that I am not too proud of myself on
that one. I was like, what am I a home wrecker? That
made me feel pretty guilty, I must admit. I let myself
get pretty out of control which is kind of
humiliating. Making someone baby-sit me is not what I
was all about, believe it or not.
I can't say that the situation was my moment of
reckoning, unfortunately. It could have been, but I
chose to stuff it and not deal with it, so I got
another chance which was so much worse (the whole OD
thing...) so I am happy to be a part of helping you in
your search for serenity.
Again, I am really moved by the way you write. It is
so candid, and some how I really feel like I know how
it is to be in your head. You have a way with words,
Phil. I know I have told you this before, but you
really need to get on that and use it to your
advantage!

Later,
Jane