Captain Pike's Ship Log II

10 years ago and before that, I was a software engineer. To be more specific I was and embedded systems software engineer. That means I wrote the programs that live inside of electronic instruments, machinery and appliances. I wrote software that went inside of anything from the microwave oven to an MRI machine to a little cheese scale that weighed huge semi trucks full of cheese.

I had a stroke. Went out on a disability claim for two years. I was lucky in that I regained most of the lost functionality. The trouble lies and the fact that when I was ready to try going back to work, there was a high-tech hiring slump on and a two-year long hole in my résumé. I took about as much rejection as I could and then became a Saab mechanic.

Naturally, I entered this new field at an entry-level. I remember one day it all hit me. I was out behind the shop in my blue mechanics uniform. I was trying to get a brake caliper off an old wrecked car for use in a repair job. This is something I often did: tear used parts off old cars. Anyway, there I was, out there in a field, under the sun working for a little more than minimum wage. A jetliner was taking off, flying over me. It was Monday morning, and I thought, "that used to be me" -- my job as a software engineer included flying out to customer locations to troubleshoot equipment failures. I can remember flying out, first thing in the morning, wearing an oxford button-down shirt and carrying my laptop PC (they were heavier and slower then) looking down on the city of Portland, Maine as I flew out to who knows where, sipping an "eye opener". Things were good. Now I was down in the dirt, among the rusted hulks, working with the hornets in the hot sun trying to save a couple bucks for some customer with an ailing and aged Saab. Things are not so good. It was a lot tougher making the same mortgage payment. By this time, I had gotten a divorce; she got the IRA and I got the house payment. I was lucky enough to keep my son with me. But it was a tough irony. Instead of feeling on top of the world, ahead of the game, it was more like, a little bit older and under the gun. It was a chance for humility -- a gift from God really, but I chose mostly, to be humiliated with my new view and lease on life.

What is humiliation really? It's when you're fighting the chance to be humble. But I did learn a few things. I learned how hard it was to live on my new income, trying to find and afford child care, coming home from work to put together a meal and make sure my kid had clean clothes for his next day at school. I learned that the ex-wife had been doing more than her fair share all along. More than once, we both fell asleep reading the bedtime story. I learned how to ask for and take help.

As it turns out, the creator of the universe seems to have more education for me. I've received a few more gifts in the form of opportunities to be humble. I know I don't let go easily, but I've gotten better at recognizing when it's time to ease my grip on things these days.