Imported Poems

(Aside: I am so sick of carpel tunnel syndrome. I wake up in the morning and my arms are on fire and numb - the pain is excruciating).

So, I went to my little soiree Tuesday for lunch, and I'm much more adept at social conversation than I think. After several moments of awkward silence, I decided to take the lead and initiate dialogue. I have found that people's favorite topic to discuss is themselves, so I began asking questions - and everything rolled on smoothly from there.

(No literary conversation took place, which is what I was hoping for, but I think I am too high.)

On another front, about a month ago I decided I was tired of being the doormat to everyone else's feet. I've always been this hypersensitive, passive person that even in childhood other children felt compelled to bully. I resolved to stand up for myself when I felt an injustice heaped upon my head, and last night, I made good on that promise. My boss criticized me not doing a particular thing, and I told him point blank that I work my *** off (my coworkers would testify to that) and my 99.9% delivery is ignored to single out the one small task I failed to do. I was proud of myself.

Then last night I went home and - perhaps empowered from this small victory and still high from my success - I wrote my heart's desire (the man I love) a frank love letter, excerpts of which I have included below:

I have resolved tonight to be forthcoming about my emotions. I gain nothing because I risk nothing, and I risk nothing because I am afraid, but perhaps it is better to risk all and fall than to not risk at all. Perhaps - I don't know.

Tonight I am going to take a chance. I hope it doesn't hurt too much.

We've been friends for some two years now, and I haven't bothered you much about meeting because I wanted to allow the relationship to develop naturally, without expectation, yet I hoped not to be disqualified/overlooked entirely. I was content to wait patiently for years if necessary until you finally wanted to meet because I abhorred the idea of pressuring you (and still do). But perhaps I've been too free to the point that I've eliminated myself completely.

So, I guess what I am telling you is though I don't need you (I won't die without you), I l want you, and I want to at least see what would happen if we were in the same room together for a few hours. Maybe I would be too quiet; maybe you would be obnoxious; maybe we would stare at each other with nary a word. Maybe we would have a great conversation but 0 chemistry. Maybe we would fall madly in love.

You know I have no interest in your external blessings. I want to date a man, and a man who works on his mind, body and soul, who strives for balance and harmony in his life.

ANYWHO, I'll shut up now. Before you choose someone permanently, let's meet. I promise not to kiss you or even touch you. If you want a hug/kiss, you'll have to ask, or take it from me.

But never forget, I do love you - the man inside the mask.

Love, C

***

I feel a great weight has been lifted off my shoulders, and yet at the same time I fear reprisal. I fear it might be the ending of a friendship rather than the beginning of something else. And I love him so much - I don't want to lose him. I hope I did the right thing.