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A conversation that bears my sorrows

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by
Anza
, 12-02-2008 at 10:54 PM (1684 Views)
A friend (12/3/08 7:09:33 PM): Good evening.
sunny_and_amber (12/3/08 7:10:37 PM): hey
A friend (12/3/08 7:10:58 PM): How are you today?
sunny_and_amber (12/3/08 7:11:36 PM): stressed, confused, sad, and... victorious
A friend (12/3/08 7:12:31 PM): That's a lot of emotions.
sunny_and_amber (12/3/08 7:12:43 PM): which would you like me to explain first?
A friend (12/3/08 7:13:21 PM): Stressed I can guesswith the speech and your journalism, confused you can start with.
sunny_and_amber (12/3/08 7:18:02 PM): I am confused about a lot of things actually. I was called out of class in 7th period, today. I met with the Director. And the Dean. The Dean told the director what's been going on with Sunny and she was concerned about me. I told her I had fought alone all of my life. I took care of my family, and then my friends, and then myself. It was a way of life I had no intention of giving up. I said that I am strong. The conversation turned to the current state of the school. I found out that she and the Board Chair made the decision to remove Martelli, and that the school is hard pressed to meet budgets.
sunny_and_amber (12/3/08 7:22:13 PM): My love life-- or maybe the lack thereof confuses me too. I want someone so badly, but I fear I will never find my someone. Rhett continues to press me. Another senior, Brian, has professed his affection for me. Brian is sweet, but not a protector-- I want someone to treasure me, and keep me safe. Alex and Adam continue to press me. In my grade, Ben, Justin, Sean, and Ryan all adore me. I would not consider them, though. But, even though I want someone so badly, I fear I shall always be alone.
sunny_and_amber (12/3/08 7:22:43 PM): My sister confuses me. Why does she still love Zach? Why does she choose to be in the psych ward again?
A friend (12/3/08 7:25:18 PM): Your sister confuse me also.. as for your love life, are you getting those chest/ ab feelings we spoke about before?
sunny_and_amber (12/3/08 7:25:46 PM): no. not lately.
sunny_and_amber (12/3/08 7:25:59 PM): That was guilty loneliness.
sunny_and_amber (12/3/08 7:26:08 PM): loneliness for one person
sunny_and_amber (12/3/08 7:26:20 PM): I am lonely in general, now
A friend (12/3/08 7:26:41 PM): Understood.
A friend (12/3/08 7:27:18 PM): With all these people before you, do you have any affection back to them? (in the way we speak of)
sunny_and_amber (12/3/08 7:29:28 PM): I don't have any mutual affection. I could if I opened up to it, if I tried. But I don't want to.
sunny_and_amber (12/3/08 7:29:54 PM): And I have recently broken up with Thomas-- he was no longer interested in me...
A friend (12/3/08 7:30:16 PM):
sunny_and_amber (12/3/08 7:32:15 PM): It was obvious. I let the whole situation go. There was no point in holding on to it. I had thought... I don't know-- that he was different. All I want is one guy to show me that they're not all the same
A friend (12/3/08 7:33:17 PM): There's one in every billion.
A friend (12/3/08 7:34:05 PM): I mean, don't lost hope.. I lost hope in my gender a long time ago though.
sunny_and_amber (12/3/08 7:34:12 PM): no one near me, unfortunately.
A friend (12/3/08 7:35:13 PM): yeah.. Sorry that I do not have much to say. i never know what i should say to someone in need, so rather i tend to just.. listen
sunny_and_amber (12/3/08 7:37:21 PM): It helps
A friend (12/3/08 7:38:38 PM): As for sad? or do your sadness and confusion go part and part with each other?
sunny_and_amber (12/3/08 7:40:48 PM): Sad... I am sad because, no matter what I make myself, I will never be good enough for my parents. In all of this craziness with Sunny, they've forgotten their youngest twin.
sunny_and_amber (12/3/08 7:43:14 PM): My mom nags all the time. She is constantly putting me down. Everything she says or does is automatically all about herself, and she expects others to cater to her. I can't stand it when there is a serious situation with someone else, or when I am (openly) In need-- which I rarely admit weakness, and need is weakness-- and she can only focus on herself.
sunny_and_amber (12/3/08 7:43:52 PM): And then I'll sigh involuntarily, or something, and she gets defensive and yells at me, and... I'm tired of being the bad guy.
sunny_and_amber (12/3/08 7:45:36 PM): And it makes me sad that Sunny has won. Which she has. She has everything shes ever wanted at Danny's, and I (most pious of all) am still here. I work my a** off to better my situation, and get nowhere. She gives up, makes a scene, and gets everything she's ever wanted. I know it is short-term, but it isn't fair.
A friend (12/3/08 7:49:50 PM): I'm sorry you have been forgotten by your parents. I understand how it feels to open up to one and be ridiculed and I believe you deserve better than a prideful mother. I'm sorry you must work your a** off to get no respect and no rewards. Sunny, she does not deserve what she has, but in the long run, when you are on your own and when it matters, you will thrive. You will be the master of your world and finally be happy.. its too bad you cannot enjoy the young age of life at the moment, but the way you work is only setting up for a great future..
sunny_and_amber (12/3/08 7:53:51 PM): she is not prideful-- she is bipolar. And I could accept all the criticism in the world, if only I have ever recieved a word of praise. Only once.
A friend (12/3/08 7:54:48 PM): I felt odd writing prideful, only thing I could think of at that moment.
sunny_and_amber (12/3/08 7:55:13 PM): ah, she can be. But it is a chemical imbalance in her brain.
sunny_and_amber (12/3/08 7:56:12 PM): And just this afternoon, I was informed that we will not be doing Christmas this year... times are too rough.

Updated 12-03-2008 at 01:42 AM by Anza

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Comments

  1. mtpspur's Avatar
    Hmmmm--I was brooding over my mother the past few days and the sad truth is that I never felt I (truly) mattered enough for her to go to any kind of effort for me so I can relate on THAT level. My hopes are in the grave now and instead of a feeling of freedom I feel empty and a bit lost like there is this huge gap in my life. I have no focus now for my anger, disappointments and feelings of failure that tend to overshadow any victories I achieve (by the grace of God it MUST be admitted). So this entry touched a chord and I would have you in peace if you can. Your friend Rich
    Updated 12-03-2008 at 02:35 AM by mtpspur
  2. Anza's Avatar
    I thank you, Spur. *hugs*
  3. Countess's Avatar
    Your friend sounds really intelligent and wise - a good sounding board for you. So out of pain there is a ray that shines brightly and helps you bear it.
  4. sprinks's Avatar
    All I can say is *hugs*; I hope things get so much better for you in the future; I think you are really brave and strong; and that it is good that you have people, like that friend, that you can turn to
  5. Virgil's Avatar
    You'll have to understand that your sister has special needs and you're capable of over achieving. It may seem like she gets more attention and sympathy, perhaps she does, but you're needed to help pull the family along. It's tough, but you have to bite the bullet. I'm sure you wouldn't want to change situations with your sister. As to guys, and this is my humble opinion, forget them until you're done with school.
  6. Anza's Avatar
    To those who have responded: How old do you think this friend is? Male or female?
  7. Virgil's Avatar
    As far as I read it can be any age. 15 to 75. I don't see any distiguishing characteeristics of age. I'm not even sure of the gender.
  8. mtpspur's Avatar
    Seems a bit older then you to just reading ONLY their comments--but MUCH younger then I (57) so I'm guessing 28 and male.
  9. Anza's Avatar
    Interesting. When more people have commented, I shall reveal the friend ^^
  10. Anza's Avatar
    Was reading through this and realized I had never revealed the age and gender, as promised.
    15. Male.