Life

I understand people perfectly-- maybe that's what has cursed me so. I am like Tiresias or Cassandra, a prophet who is right, but unbelieved.
People are jerks. No. Scratch that.

Guys are Jerks.

And then there are women like me-- headstrong, and smart, who are doomed to loneliness for all of or days.

Love is for the weak,

and besides, it is only an invention of poets, and designed as a euphimism to explain the insinct of people to mate and bear children-- a modern word for a primordial instinct (love). And I am love's outcast.

Why is it...

that I am not allowed to be happy? For the first time in my life, I have felt beautiful, watching soft, 7:30am light play across my face in a vanity mirror across the room from me. The loneliness that followed and dissatisfaction with myself caused me to attribute it to the distance of the mirror-- my flaws could not be seen, only because it was so far away. Beauty, too is for the weak.

It seems

that I am built for sadness, and not beauty. My features attest. I have sad eyes, and a mouth that does not know the warmth of an unknowing smile. My cheeks bear a shameful blush better than most. They are accustomed to it. I do not smile well-- I am hardly used to smiling. My features are pretty by themselves, but somehow not as they are together. Everywhere I look, I see inadequacies in myself. Physically, Mentally, Emotionally.

Physically.

I am not beautiful, though I wish to be.

Mentally.

I find it exceedingly difficult to deal with people. Am I desocializing? I do not think so. Perhaps I was never social to begin with. People are too rude to deal with, guys especially. This deep seated hatred can only be born from my affliction--

(Emotionally)

I am made for no one and no one is made for me. Is there not one guy in the world to prove that they're not all the same? My aloneness is a failure in its own right; one more to add to my many.

I have lost...

my parents. They've forgotten me, have no time or energy for me. It is an incredible sore spot that haunts me. They have invested everything into my sister, and I am stuck on that point. How can I blame them for that without being selfish? I should be stronger, be able to survive with no one's support. I should be able to stand on my own. And in that sense, too, I am inadequate.
My parents are hard on me. My teachers are hard on me. So too, are my peers. And I, to keep from becoming spineless and self-pitying, am hard on myself. Is there no kindness I can turn to? No refuge to seek without being a burden? Everywhere I look, others have problems of their own. Raphi has enough to deal with. I can no longer turn to Thomas-- he is not mine. Sunshine, for everything that she means to me has a life and a family that she has to run. She does not mind-- has never minded-- helping me, or putting down everything when I need her... but I am not core to her survival, and I often get in the way of those things. I hate so badly to hinder her in any way... she has so much else on her plate to deal with.
How can a world so beautiful be so cold and cruel? Why do I laugh so often, when I really mean to cry? Why am I such a ball of frustration and angst?
I am not a normal teenager-- I do not bear a normal teenager's pains. I don't want to be marked off as such, or be taken to a doctor who will say "she's depressed!!" as if I don't already know that, and then give me medications, and make me into a statistic.

Why do I wish so badly to be normal?

It would be a relief, I suppose, to deal with normal worries.
This morning I discovered that my world was in running order. I am in sad shape if this is running order-- I am broken.

And designed to be alone.

That, that is what bothers me most.