Life

Thomas, I have given this careful, careful consideration.
I am a servant to my affection for you whether I like it or not, and am therefore also a servant to you. I *am* bound to you. I don't entirely understand the tie, but it is not a bond you can simply free me from. Nor one that I can deny.
I am yours, whether you are mine or not, and if it makes me chase phantoms for the rest of my days, so be it. My path is chosen-- and I cannot deviate.
Because I am a servant to my love for you, and also a servant to you, I shall resignedly do whatever you ask of me. It is my duty, and my warrioress heart cannot bear to betray it-- my own interests are void, as my duty to those I love transcends my own wants and needs. That is how I am.
I surrender, submit. You are more powerful than I, because I love you. I give you power over me. I yeild only to you. I have said that a thousand times before, and now it shall be proven.
Whatever you ask of me is yours. I surrender-- on your terms, of course. I bear no say-so in that matter, but ask, as a friend that you are merciful, though you are under no obligation to do so. I am defeated. The world has finally thrown a curve that I cannot adjust, or adapt to. I am broken, Thomas. Please be gentle. I beg that you do not send me away, but again, as surrender goes, I am completely at your mercy. I am learning life's hardest lessons all at once-- one of which is humility.
It sickens me-- I've never been in this position before, that I am not victor. I suppose I should get used to it, from here on out. This is all really too much to deal with... you, Sunny, maintaining school and friendships, getting accustomed to defeat. I have been dealt the hand of Atlas, and with the world upon my shoulders, I tremble. It is too much. I cannot hope to hold it all up, merely prolong my own demise so that another shall not have to bear the burden so long. I can take away everybody else's pain but my own. Only you can do that-- and you are not allowed to by society's selfish whim.
So here I am. I lay down arms. I have fought so long that I cannot bear another second of battle. Not with you. Not with Sunny. Not with society. Not with myself. Not with anyone else. I am the last thing I've got, and I surrender myself to the universe-- let it do with me what it may-- and once I have nothing to fight over, perhaps my tormentors will leave me alone.
There is one thing I have the want to fight for, but not the strength, and so I shall ask it as a favor, instead of simply fighting for it. It would cut to such an unbelievable extreme if you were to take me from the Cathedral. If you were to, I'd accept it, with the heaviest heart, but I ask that you consider what it would do to me. Please, *please,* Thomas, grant me the Howl. And if you expect me to explore the idea of others for three years, please grant me one kiss, so that my first shall not be shared with one I do not truly love. I less expect you to grant the last request than the first-- perhaps the last is merely a product of my disillusion. Perhaps it is my last will to hold on.
Please be gentle with me-- do not forget that I am a lady, and delicate. More delicate than even I choose to admit. After so many years of building ice around my heart, when I once let it thaw I am ruined. There is no reason to drop my guard, again, and once I reinforce my heart with steel, I shall throw away the key, let no one in, let no one touch me so profoundly again. It is not worth it. And for the next three years, I shall search as you ask, if only to prove you wrong.
~<3~
I surrender.