The Nation of the Glorious Turnip

THE FICKLE SINGS OF GODS

Even though many will say that Gods are a figment of imagination, there will be even more people that disagree. Sure, Gods may be a little strange, a little far fetched, but somehow, the concept of God has touched millions. These people are all deluded. Gods do not feature into the universe, they are not omnipresent, they are not omniscient and they certainly arn’t worth a dime for a dollar.

Yet still people are bothered with Gods, the concept itself. People hear voices, or if one does not, pretends to hear voices. “I prayed for the sun to shine on me today, and behold the sun shines brightly on my balding, middle-aged head. I might find some happiness in the end, all thanks to god.” And so on.


The delusions, signs and portents all point to one direction. I am my own God, I decide what is right and wrong, and I am omnipresent in my own mind. I know it all… and yet, I believe, I believe in some one else, and their own divinity. There are more than 6 billion Gods on a single planet. Imagine what a universe full of Gods can do! But there will always be Bob, the one who stands above it all, the universe it self. Somewhere in a bar, on a distant planet, he serves cosmopolitans to the lost and weary, he offers an ear and listens to all those Gods of our universe, as they go about their ways, destroying the other gods around them. He waits, and observers. Until one day, a piece of paper will go to the point of origin and seal the fate of the Gods for eternity to come, forcing them to live as humans, a fate so vile and despicable, all that is good will try to prevent it from happening and yet it must happen.

We are all in room 31, and we wait patiently for the doorway to open. A long shadow emerges. It is Him. The path to the universe is open. It is merely a matter of time until the folded one will make his entrance and undo what the Gods created.


Meanwhile, aboard an unassuming space cruiser heading for Alpha Centauri, a piece of paper is enjoying some recreational time on the recreational deck that is outfitted for all the recreational experiences that one can expect to find on a recreational deck on an unassuming space cruiser.

“You know Bob, I find this paper waste recycling program a bit disturbing, but it supposedly is quite the adventure.” ‘Bob’ walks out of the holo-simulator device by Martian Knives INC! Looking a little bewildered, a few folds and creases in places where he ought to be flat as a piece of crisp and new paper. “I felt like I was shredded to pieces and put together again, all in a matter of seconds.”

“That’s what happened, so you certainly weren’t imagining it.” Bob looks extremely pleased his eyes locked to a monitor.

“What are you looking at Bob?” ‘Bob’ moves up to the monitor, but Bob quickly turns it off. ‘Bob’ still thinks he saw something resembling a tree

“None of your business, eh, I mean, it was just a little video of some dancing trees.” If twigs could blush, he’d be red all over, fortunately they can’t and Bob stays his own brownish grey.

“Hey Guys! Check it out!” The voice comes from somewhere, but neither ‘Bob’ nor Bob can make out from where exactly, looking bewildered around the room, which does actually resemble a huge airplane hangar filled with all sorts of toys and entertainment devices.

“Frankie, you nit-wit, where are you?” it is the agitated tone of ‘Bob’ that echoes the rec-room, as the bird suddenly appears out of nowhere, flies a quick circle, and then lands right on top of one of the elaborate pleasure bots protruding chest pieces.

“Cool huh! I found a way to become invisible, it’s just this little device that I found, apparently someone likes to stalk other people, and use it to make himself totally invisible, not just to sight, but to all the human senses. I guess it works on paper and twigs too.” Frankie seems very pleased with himself, and he bounces up and down on the chest piece, which elicits a slight moaning response from the pleasure bots neural pathways.

“What’s that noise?” ‘Bob’ seems totally oblivious to where it came from, but as usual, Bob knows better.

“I think Frankie’s excited bouncing has activated the bot’s programming! Way to go Frankie!” Bob is chuckling, his beady eyes looking intently at the bot’s movements, which now seem to simulate rapid breathing, with the chest going up and down rapidly.

Frankie, now aware of the bot’s movements, flies of into the sky, just in time, as the arms of the bot suddenly grap the chest pieces, and start massaging them, creating what looks like a scene straight out of an erotic sci-fi movie. The head tilts back, the mouth opens and the heavy breathing is interspersed with moaning.

“What is this? How do we turn this thing off, Frankie what did you do! This is a children’s novel, not a bloody porn novel!” ‘Bob’ is slightly panicking and worried about his reputation, as it surely is not a good sign that his stories feature erotic pleasure bots with rather disproportionate chest pieces.

The Pleasure Bot does not seem to care about ‘Bob’’s reputation, and continues with it’s activities, now moving one of her hands from the chest pieces towards her more intimate parts, which are covered by latex hotpants. The short moans begin to follow each other in increasingly rapid succession, but then suddenly, the Bot freezes up.

“Please insert coin or objects to proceed” The robotic tone is nothing like ‘Bob’ or anyone else expected, but it seems to have ended the process of erotic behaviour that ‘Bob’ was so worried about.

“Frankie fly around and see if you can find some coins man, we need to get this thing going again!” Bob is climbing towards the pleasure bot, but before he can do anything, ‘Bob’ stops him with a well aimed tackle the likes of which only a sheet of paper can do, wrapping Bob in a tight grip, preventing him from moving any further.

“Bob you twig, what do you think you’re doing, we aren’t here to abuse pleasure bots, we are here to have fun!” ‘Bob’ is decisive, the tone of voice leaves no room to argue, and Bob reluctantly backs down, and goes back to the video screen to watch another mysterious video, which seems to focus on a few trees in a forest moving gently in the wind.
“Fun! Yeah, that Bot is fun, look I found a coin, where do I insert it?” Frankie is flying in small circles over the pleasure bot, the coin in his claw occasionally reflecting the light from the ceiling lamps into ‘Bob’’s eyes.

“No Frankie, we can’t, just drop the coin and we’ll find something else to enjoy us with.” ‘Bob’ squints, the light reflected of the coin having temporarily blinded him, unable to see where Frankie is. Suddenly, the Pleasure Bot comes back to life.

“Oooooh, Give it to me.” The sultry voice says it with such a lusty undertone, that there is no doubt in ‘Bob’’s mind that something did not go the way he wanted it to go.

“Not again!” ‘Bob’ looked in desperation at the Bot, which seemed to be taking it up a level, and wanted to do a striptease dance to some non-existent music. That is, there was no music ‘Bob’ could hear, when suddenly the speakers blast to live with a rendition of ‘You can leave your head on’. Ironically the Pleasure Bot wasn’t wearing a hat, but then again, she wasn’t wearing much of anything so it was going to be a short striptease anyway.

Bob shares a sly knowing look with Frankie who seems to be flying around ecstatically, ‘Bob’ in the mean time is desperate and sees no other option but to take drastic measures to preserve the innocence of the youngest readers.

The Pleasure Bot in the mean time is untying the knot on her back that keeps the small piece of clothing that covers the chest pieces in place. Slowly, gently, with smooth movement of her entire body, she looks into ‘Bob’’s eyes, forming the words: ‘Are you ready’ with her red luscious lips, with no reply from ‘Bob’ who seems intent on not looking, she suddenly takes of the piece of clothing, revealing the full nudity of her large robotic breasts.

“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!” The scream by ‘Bob’ pierces the air, as he falls down sobbing. “Betrayed by the [/i]Mechanical writer that creates stories in an episodic format for the reader that enjoys cliffhangers.[/i] Why? WHY?”

‘Bob’ lies sobbing, completely cutting himself of from the events that unfold before him. While Bob and Frankie enjoy the show, he reverts into himself.

“Not all is lost ‘Bob’, the journey is hard and arduous, remember what I told you, you are the part 299 and a bit, this is just the beginning, the portal is opened. You must go to the point of Origin, no matter the cost, no matter the price. The readers will understand, they will see what you did, and will know that there was nothing you could do.” It is the voice of Charles, the troglobite, and as ‘Bob’ opens his eyes, he found himself back in the cave, with the translucent tiny creature standing before him, seemingly bumping into the same rock continuously.

“I tried, I really did, but what should I do? I managed to imagine myself away, but I can’t stay here forever, there will come a moment when I will have to get back to that scene.” ‘Bob’ sighs, he sure doesn’t look happy.

“You must take the Bot with you. She is the fourth, the hidden one that has the key to unlock the door. Remember Something or someone we will not encounter until later in the story! Awaits, he has arrived at the point of Origin before you. It is imperative that you act quickly, or he will gather too many gods, and become unstoppable without using plot devices.” Charles had in the meantime successfully managed to get round the rock, which as it turned out, was the proud owner of a discount card. “Now go back, take her with you, any way you can.”
The cavern slowly fades from ‘Bob’’s vision, and is replaced by the visage of a pleasure-bot with a twig in an outrageously indecent position. The pleasure-bot’s breathing is so loud that it is almost unhuman, with Bob seemingly having a lot of fun.

“we will take her with us” ‘Bob’ exclaims, admitting defeat. There is no reply for several seconds, but then Bob gives ‘Bob’ an interesting, almost delighted look, nods, and goes back to whatever he was doing, something one really doesn’t want to know about.

‘Bob’ decides it is better for him to just sit out the rest of the time it’ll take them to get to Alpha Centauri by getting some proper clothing for the Pleasure Bot, and maybe a programming tool to hopefully tune some sense into it. He moves towards the door that gives access to the hallway. Surely they’ll have some place where he can find some proper clothes on this rust bucket.

“Can I help you?” It is Ptu-Zot, ensign 14th class, and intern in the United Martian Space navy, who addresses him as he walked out of the door.

“Yes, you can ensign, do you have any programming experience with robots?”