Life

I went for another bike ride today-- trying to forget, again. But I realized something, as I pedaled furiously through the twists and turns, between trees and over roots-- I don't want to forget. I would rather be haunted by a thousand memories, tortured by unbearable guilt and sorrow than be able to forget his face. I wasn't just running from what I had done-- in the process I was running from him. And more so that I cannot bear to hurt him, I cannot bear to run from him either. You can forget what you love and what you hate; what you wish you had and hadn't done; So I stopped-- right there in the middle of the trail-- and called his cell phone. As it rang, I asked myself why I was doing it... and the only answer I could come up with was that I had to hear his voice.
And that is what love is. It is feeling humbled in a loved one's prescence. It is calling them to hear their voice. It is unconditional. It is painfully remembering because you cannot bear to forget. It is being willing to put yourself through pains to save the other person from pain. It is a willingness to prove oneself.

And I would do it all.

I admit that I am weak. I am weak, and may only be strong at his side, forgiven. I will do anything for his blessing-- to be forgiven. I will do anything to prove myself-- whether he gives me the chance or not.

Because I love him.

I had hoped that I wouldn't have to revisit this. I hoped that he may be happier and safer if i stayed out of his life. I didn't feel like I had another choice.
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Here is an email I sent him Saturday morning...
I wrote this all down on Thursday night when I couldn't sleep. There was this pain that resonated throughout my entire ribcage. At first I credited it to being tackled repeatedly by eight year olds who think they're smaller than they actually are, but it was deeper than a broken bone and not quite as sharp and I was overcome with a bittersweet feeling of depression. Most of the night was spent with my arms wrapped around my ribcage, in hope that I could prevent myself from splitting in two. Eventually, I got out a notebook and pencil and began to write. This is what came of it...
Please do not think that I don't suffer for your suffering. The pain you feel and have felt is mine in threefold for I caused it. The pain from last night's conversation-- though I shall not describe to what extent-- is mine for the taking, as well as the guilt I feel for what I have done. Your descision is justified by the foundation of doing what's right for you, especially considerin g that when I abandoned you I acted by what was right for me-- well for my sister. I could not have accomplished what I did with a laden heart. I shut down-- emotionally, socially, and mentally. I was at a point where thought was error, and I could only do. Would you allow me to explain myself? I don't expect you to forgive me-- even I shall never forgive myself for what I did to you-- but would you please just hear me out?
I never intended to hurt you. That was second to breaking up with you on my list of things never to do. You were the first guy to ever treat me right and I wanted to be to you everything that you were to me-- in twofold. And just as I never intended to hurt you, I never intend to hurt you again. Whatever pains I have to put myself through to prevent that, I will. Whatever pains I have to put myself through to prove myself, I will too.
I had to keep my family from falling apart. I cry thinking about what could have happened, but I also cry for the sacrifice I had to make. I want to say that blood runs thicker than water but I don't know anymore...
I didn't talk to anyone for two weeks after the week from h*** (excepting Sunny's two closest friends as I managed footwork). At first I was problem solving. Then I came to my senses, and was depressed from having to break up with you. The I was angry at them because when I told them I had to sever yours and my relationship, I got yelled at by all of them en masse, and then got called up and b****ed out by my three closest friends. I was mad at them for-- I felt at the time-- being irrational. I realize now that I was mad at them for throwing the truth I didn't want to accept in my face, and holding a mirror to me to show that I had beome a monster. My friends forgave me for ignoring them, but not for abandoning you, but I never once expected you to forgive me for my thoughtless sacrifice. Once I asked if you were mad and you said you needed space. I wanted so badly to speak to you, but after all I had done I was not going to dishonor your wishes. All my friends said that they had never seen me happier than when I was with you. One of them, Ryan, even tried to track down your phone number so that he could get you to come to my orchestra concert in May.
And then I thought that you would be happier-- safer-- if I just stayed out of your life. And I was willing to do that if it would ease your pain in any small way. But it seems Fate had other ideas when the only week you were at the museum was the only week I had signed up, too. You have no idea how terrified I was when I saw you. I had decided to stay out of your life, but there you were! Would it have hurt you less to say hello or to walk away without saying a word? Everything within me wanted to say hello-- everything within me had wanted to say hello for a long time. But was it right? I remember seeing pain behind your eyes when you looked up at me, when I had to walk by with my flock and come to a descision quickly. And I decided to speak. Your face lifted when I mentioned I had missed you but you seemed to check yourself as if to say "I want to trust you, but I fear that I may never be able to do that again." It was so... reflexive. I don't know why, but it hurt. Later, during afternoon snack, I asked Mr. Mike if y'all had left already. He said yes, and that he understood "one of them" is my exboyfriend. Naturally taken aback, I could only mutter yes, sitting there thinking "how on earth do you know?" My kids heard, and my counselors, and afternoon snack turned into an interrogation.
Tuesday I had that note written, and saw you in the morning, but I was too chicken to go over. Besides, I didn't want to embarrass you in front of your friends. Then we had our field trip and I didn't think we'd get back in time. But Fate had an answer for that, too, whe Ian, Tara, and Omi had to go to the vending machine to get their snack, and we were delayed by the machine eating Omi's money without giving her a snack, and then you were delayed with random chores. Wednesday I saw you but once, and didn't get to speak to you because my break only lasts so long. Thursday was hell. Trying to get my mind off of you was impossible, when on our field trip we passed Betton Hills. Then we went to Lake Hall for lunch and there was all of the Maclay rowing equipment. And while we ate and fished I was thinking about how "this must be where they put out the boats" and "this must be where they warm up." And as we were pulling away I let melancholy wash over me like the rain that placidly began to fall, eyeing a streamlined little black boat. We were leaving Zoinks at about 2:15 and I was excited that I may have the opportunity to get back to the museum in time... until Miss Audrey decided that we had to go back. Fishing was again an epic fail until Ian busted his line, and I tied the hooked line to my finger and fished off the dock. Ilek caught one in that manner and I did too. Apparently we had to name the fish we caught (eight year old rule). Ilek's was Bob. In my heightened state of sadness I named mine David. Then I talked to you on the phone. When I called and ended up talking to your mom, I really just wanted to give the message to meet me on the playground in the morning, and that you would know who me is. But she pressed me about my identity-- I really didn't want to tell her because you said your family was nosy, and I didn't want to have you come home to an interrogation. When you called and I was in the shower, I didn't believe at first that you had actually returned my call. Sunny came in and told me, but left laughing hysterically. I asked my mom, and she said that you didn't. I didn't want to call you if you hadn't actually called me because then I would have just been a pest. I didn't want to believe Sunny because she has been trying extensively to get me back together with you. So I threatened to tell mom and dad why they wouldn't want to sit on the couch if you hadn't called, right before I called you . And then... I guess it's finally come full-circle to this night, not sleeping...
Sorry that it's like a novel... I was up all night, though... Friday I wanted to go get you while I was on break (I got an extra-long one) but chose not to embarrass you in front of your friends. I guessed you didn't really want to see me anyway, because I was playing freeze tag all morning with no salvation. Of course after all I have put you through, I expect salvation from you the least.

You do no have to respond to any of the text, but please respond "read" if you did read it so that I will know.
Again I am sorry for any anguish I have caused you. If there is any way I can, I will mend it.