Barmy Blue's Bland Blog

After my last entry, I've been thinking. I've been thinking about what kind of things I need to say to Tom, when I eventually tell him.... I'm not even sure what I'll be telling him. How can I express my feelings of this past year and the events that built up to it without him thinkig that I'm just a selfish *****, and, especially, without crying? Just lightly thinking about this future encounter is maling me sad. I don't know why. So I've stated that I need to tell him that I've cut him out of my life, and that will then create the final cut. I can't back out of it now that I've said it, so at some point I need to have this confrontation, it's just a matter of when. When the time comes, I don't want to cry. I've decided that. Why should I cry? But just thinking about it now makes me grab Eddie and squeeze the stuffing out of him. I can't face Tom like this, that's for sure, so when? Why should I feel sad about this, it's ot like it'll happen tomorrow, or the day after. But when I think about it I get that terrible feeling of dread in my heart, that I always get in advance of a daunting task. I just...I JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY I FEEL SAD! DOES THAT MEAN THAT THIS PAST YEAR HAS BEEN FOR NOTHING? I thought I'd gotten to the stage where I didn't care about Tom anymore, so why should I feel sad about telling him what I've been thinking for over a year? I've thought that perhaps a letter would be better, a personal, handwritten account of everything, but my handwriting would probably make such a statement insulting, and besides, how would a letter be any different from an email? I can't do it by email, it's too heartless. Phone perhaps? That's even more frightening, and besides, dad'd go spare when he saw the phone bill and Tom always complained that he had nowhere private unless he used his mum's mobile in his room, which meant I had to call, and then he kept me on the phone for anhour or so, calls from landlines to mobiles are more expensive and this was a regular thing, back then. I think, the phone is still too impersonal. Something like this should be done in person. Ever seen a film where the guy breaks up with his woman by phone and then just hangs up at the end, stopping her from answering him, and you just think, bastard. I don't want to do that. That raises another question, where to meet him. If I asked him to come down to me, then that...that just wouldn't be right, get him to come all the way down to me just to tell him how much I've hated him, that's too cruel. But I'm not going to go all the way up to him just to do it either. Now I think about it, a good, symbolic place would be at school, because that's where we met, but that'd be pointless, besides there's so many people around and even if school was out, there'd be people we knew hanging around, I couldn't inflict that on either of us. Now that I've thought about it, perhaps the train station. It's near school and it's kind of between us. I can get the bus there, and he can get the train there. It'd be kind of symbolic because that's the station I went to in order to visit him. Perhaps there, but I wouldn't want to be late, if anything I't want to be early. If I were late it's be to insulting when paired with whatever I have to say. I'll need to give it some serious thought. But before all that, I need to work out exactly what I want to say and how I'm going to say it. I don't really know what I want to say yet. But there's one thing I do know, no matter how great my imagination is, no matter how many outcomes I can think of, I absolutely cannot plan what'll happen when we eventually do meet. All I know is this, I don't want to cry.
If I manage to achieve this closure though, what'll happen, will I still be determined to show him what I can do, or will my goal just fade away? My dream will still be the same, to be a writer, but what will I do if my drive is gone?
I have to give this whole matter some serious thought, if I'm really going to do it.

On another note, can someone please explain to me the purpose of coming in as 10:30 am and sticking a sticker on a light switch that says "Turn me off"? Because that's what happened this morning, just five hours after I went to bed and tried to get to sleep. I was aware of knocking on the neighbouring doors but I dreamt that it was some students looking for a girl and I knew that girl wasn't me, so I'd decided not to answer it when my time came. Then there was a knock, which woke me up and before I could react there was the jangling of keys and my door was open. Because my bed's behind the door I couldn't see them, but, now I think about it, they could've seen me, because of the mirror. Anyway, no one actually came in, the guy just stuck his arm in and put the sticker on the light switch, but I said "morning", so that he was aware someone was in my room, and he said that he was just putting a sticker on the light switch. He then closed the door and locked it again. I heard him mentioning to his companion that people normally ask what he's doing or something like that. I'm not sure if I got up to check the door, just in case, or not, but I couldn't get back to sleep for an hour or so and when I did I had a weird dream that some of my house mates were in my room, I haven't had one of those dreams for a while, and they mentioned something like we hardly know you exist (because I sit in here most of the time).
Let me state now, I don't like be in woken in the morning for a sticker.

Bluebiird out.