Barmy Blue's Bland Blog

I LOVE finding new anime to watch, with a gripping story . The only bad thing about it so far is that most of the anime I've seen have all had sad endings or those weird endings that you can't quite get your head round but you eventually accept it as weird. I want to have two full pages of anime, preferably before I leave, but I doubt that'll happen, I'll get as close as I can though .
I came back today because yesterday was a bank holiday, so public transport would've been terrible. I did something different (for me) I went to collect the chinese take ayway, mum normally does it, but I agreed to do it this time, I've done it before, once or twice, I can't remember, I know I definately went with Tom once, but I can't remember if I went on my own once after that. I only remembered that I'd been with Tom as I walked down that street. I thought if I truly cut him out of my life, then I'd cut out everything to do with him, but if I did that I'd only hurt myself and no one else, the best thing to to with the things I couldn't cut is accept that they were and that now they're not.
I was thinking today, I don't know why, I haven't thought about it in a long time. This isn't the first time I've tried ti cut a friend out. I'd almost forgotten.
There was a girl two doors down from me (her family still live there, not sure about her though) she was a few years older than me, she had an older brother and a younger brother who could never pronounce my name propperly. I don't know how we came to be friends, I don't remember, I just remember that we were friends when I was little (That's how it is, all the neighbours children are invited to your early birthday parties, until you decide whether you like them or not.) We were friends for quite a while. A few times she came to our house but we mostly went to hers. My parents said I couldn't invite her round because of an incident earlier on in which we'd been playing in my room and she'd acidentally spilt some talcum powder (I had quite a dark carpet, so it showed, unlike with the white carpet in her room in which talcum powder spills seemes regular) I was lead to believe that because of this she wasn't allowed to my house, which I believed for several years (I don't know if that was really the reason at all, in the begining, but later I was told that it was because the house was such a mess) So we played at her house, when we weren't playing outside, but her mother didn't seem to like me, I could sense it. We made friends with another girl down the road from us, she was younger than me and, looking ack, I think she may have been more spoilt than me, as I tended not to ask for things (I happened upon the idea, when I was very young, that it didn't sound nice to say "I want something" I want was a demand, and children shouldn't demand, so I was always happy with what ever santa brought me , besides, I could make a game out of anything) Looking back, I was a little jealous of that girl, I played at her house once, that I know of, ans she had a propper dolls house with little doll sized books with real paper in in which she'd scrawled the two times table , two across two pages, and she had a play room full of toys, I'll admit I was rather envious. My room was always so messy and my toys were all over the place and other people always seemed to have more interesting toys or nicer toys (but I was the proud owner of a big stuffed dragon names Puff who I absolutely loved, I still do, I'd never met anyone with another like him (so imagine my surprise to find that Tom also had one, in almost the exact same colours, but, being a boy, he'd used his as a punching bag, mine was a friend, although I destroyed his neck because of the amount of times I'd pretend we were flying and held his neck, I regret that, because he can't keep hit head up now, he looks kind of sad))
Anyway, I'm straying from the point...what was the point? Ah, yes.
So this other little girl, just a bit younger than me, she could be fun but she was rather annoying, rather weak and pathetic at times, ne key incident I remember was one time that I'd somehow decided that she was my slave, I don't know how exactly, but I couldn't really think of any comands, not being one to want much (I was spiteful though, don't think I was all sweet, i could be spiteful, aren't all children at some point?) Anyway, she said she had to go home but I said no, seeing as she was still my slave. From what I recall though, I mad no attempt to restrain her, I just said, no you have to stay here (I'd have been lonely other wise, though I didn't say this) and she just whined, I couldn't have kept her more than five minutes or so during which time I thought, why don't you just go? I'm not going to get up and physically stop you going. If you really have to go home that badly then get up and go, don't just sit there whining, but she wouldn't go so eventually I gave up and said okay you can go. Soon after this, might have been the same day actually, it's hard to remember exactly it was about ten or so years ago, I guess. My other friend, the one who's mther hated me, struck up a conversation with me about that whining girl, and we ended up discussing how pathetic she was. But the next day I found her being best friends with the very same girl, as if the previous evening had never happened. I always felt that whenever those two played together I was somehow excluded. I felt rather angry. This girl, who was originally MY friend was being best friends with another girl who she'd previously jeered at behind her back. Then I wondered, that anoying litte girl was like me, a slightly more extreme version of me, so what if they talked about me behind my back too? I couldn't bare that thought, how could someone be like that. So I decided that I wouldn't play with either of them again. It was alright, I thought, because they could just be happy with each other, so they wouldn't miss me, but what I didn't realise was that I'd be the one getting hurt. It was lonely. I think that in doing that I sealed my fate to be friendless. I sitll wanted to go out and play with her, I wanted to have fun, but I wouldn't, because I didn't like her anymore, and it seemed that they just forgot about me, and I was alone.
Now I think about it, it needn't have been like that, I could've spoken to her about it, but I chose to run away. And then I realised, that's exactly what I've done with Tom, I've run away from him. I thought he'd have figured it out and accepted it, but his sudden, hey lets start another story after six months, made me realise that he hadn't, or he was denying it, either way I've had to dodge him ever since. Then I realised something else, if what I did with that girl did affect how I am now, then what will happen if I do the same with Tom? I think that I need to tell him once and for all, then we both know. But then I thought how. I can't email him. It's impersonal, it's cruel, it's cowardly, it's something that he would do. I'm not brave enough to do it yet either. I can't just suddenly email him and say, I need to see you, can we meet, just to tell him that I don't want to see him again. elieve it or not I really don't want to hurt him, the whole reason I've gone through this tormet of dodging him is because I don't want to hurt him, but in trying not to hurt him I am only hurting myself and he'll never understand unless I tell him.
So now I know what I have to do, I just need to decide when and how. And therein lies the hard part. But I've decided, some time or another, I will ave to tell him and accept the consequences.

Well, it's practically daylight, but want to watch more anime, silly me, but I'm adicted .

Bluebiird out.