Life

Love the lighting, in case you missed it. This is from last Halloween, so it's a lot more recent...

I find also (I will blog about this as I make realizations) that I can be perfectly honest with him, shamelessly. Without feeling like a dork. Without feeling that I'm wrong. The feeling in the pit of my stomach continues...
This morning, I stayed at the orchestra room (without my cello today) until Mrs. Allen got there to make sure she took down the pictures of the two of them (him and the canadian wh***) that she had so innocently posted in her office. I also gave her a new drawing and a Mother's day card. ^^
During PE, we were taking notes, and I got permission to leave and go to the orchestra room. He interns with his mom during that period. He was so upset last night that he couldn't study for this huge Latin test he had today, so I helped him on it (even though he's learning Latin prose as a level III, and I'm only a level I), staying in there the whole rest of the period.
After school, as he was leaving (we were both sure that Titus, who had spent the afternoon with us, had left us by the time he officially was about to drive off) we exchanged phone numbers. I also told him that if he ever wanted to make the "American Girlfriend joke" more than just a States story, Then, well he had my number. He had sunglasses on, so I couldn't read his eyes. And I don't feel like a dork about it. He said that he wanted to "explore new relationships" in an email he wrote to me later, this evening. I pray it is with me...
He also found that I commented on the youtube video, shamelessly defending him. I confessed how I ran across it-- I was looking for the people he had trained under, because I felt bad when I didn't know exactly what he was talking about when it was obviously important to him. And I didn't feel like a dork, then either. I am so very willing to be honest with him... to be myself...
It's the same feeling as with John... unbridled love-- but not as uncontrolled. It is not the worship I held for John. It is the same feeling I get in the pit of my stomach-- it is the same unwilling readiness to blush. But I am comfortable around him. I never was around John. Matt makes me feel good about myself, while when I loved John I was constantly questioning myself and putting myself down. I don't do that with Matt. Sure it would be easier to let myself down should he disappoint me-- but the rewards would be greater if he did not. And I feel like I actually have a shot at him.