Life

[SIZE="3"]I am ready to let this part of my life go. I shall post the whole thing instead of prolonging the process. I am ready to move on...

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CHAPTER III
AMBER
Putting on my eyeliner, I decided one thing; today was confrontation — even if it meant taking the bait. I had a few questions for Ben. Why did he say that yesterday? Did he mean it? Was he testing me? John had obviously let him read the note and in it I said that I didn't care what he thought of me, that I simply and unconditionally loved him. I put away my makeup. My mind was super-charged, adrenaline rushing to it every time I thought the name 'John'. He must love me. He must.

~~~~~

Settling in to class, I got out my binder for note taking. Then, Ms. Jones slowly rose and called role. Everybody was here today. She cleared her throat and announced, "We will be working on your own Native American Blanket, today." Mutters rippled around the classroom, "Furthermore, you may work in pairs." I looked at Kyuuzo, who shook his head. I didn't want to work alone, though. I glanced around the room; Katie shook her head, Sarah and Nicki teamed up, and Joe and Sean teamed up. My eyes settled on Ben. I trembled — confrontation. Ben looked up at me. "I don't want to be alone." I informed quietly. Ben motioned at the seat next to him, "I like working in pairs, too." Now was my chance! I could work with Ben and suck information out of him. Confrontation was good, so why was I trembling?
Sitting next to Ben, it was easy to laugh. We made fun of his drawing skills, my drawing skills, and how he couldn't color in the lines, but the whole time, I noticed his hand shaking, too. Luckily, he didn't bring up John all while we were working, or the rest of the day. Doubtless, I would get little sleep over the weekend.

BEN
I eased into my chair, not entirely sure what today would bring. Ms. Jones had already proven herself to be unpredictable and a little easily distracted, but that was okay. After she finished role, she rose leisurely and confirmed my impression of her. We would be making at.óows today, and we could work in partners. I peeked at Amber who was searching around the room, but all of her close friends were taken. I glanced down at my oversized piece of paper, wondering if I could get her to be my partner — I had some information to get. I looked up to find her eyes settled on me. "I don't want to be alone," she said quietly, though I didn't think she was just talking about this project. If she could drop hints, why couldn't I? I would have to talk to John. "I like working in pairs, too." I told her trying to sound cheerful, and motioning to the empty seat next to me. She smiled and gathered her books, then sat down next to me. I decided not to bring anything up about her and John; I wanted to see if she would.
It was easy to laugh with her, and I could see why John loved her. She exhibited a killer sense of humor as we poked fun at the ugly blanket coming to life before us, and how I couldn't draw a straight line because my hands were shaking. Maybe it was her confidence that made me nervous, I didn't know, but she never brought up John, so I figured on talking to her on Monday.


CHAPTER IV
AMBER
Taking a seat next to Ben, I announced that we would get to finish our blankets, and at that moment, Ms. Jones bustled in carrying art supplies. Getting started, Ben and I settled into a steady rhythm. Suddenly, Ben broke our non-confrontational conversation by saying "I haven't really talked too much with John about you, even though I've been to his house like five times this summer." My heart leaped. Did this discount everything he said last week? Now that we were on the topic, I had to open up to him. John obviously trusts him, so can I. "How come you didn't give him the note on the second to last day of school, then he'd have a day to think about it and maybe ask you out." Dammit, I couldn't open up to him if he kept catching me off guard. Knowing he was taking notes, I tried to inhale before I spoke, but my breath caught and the first words sounded choked "Well...I-I don't like confrontation," my voice evened out "and I don't like rumors." He seemed partially satisfied, "So you don't want everyone knowing your business." I nodded as he added "But it would have been smarter to talk to him the second to last day, then he'd have had a day to think about it." It annoyed me a little that he wouldn't give it up, but I made sure it didn't show in my voice as I replied "Well I gave it to him on the last day, and he had a whole summer to think about it," and we sat in silence while Ben digested that. Breaking the silence, he said, "You must be very patient." I sighed, and when I was about to speak, Caleb turned around and said, "No, she's not!" I groaned, please don't tell me he heard this whole conversation. Ben and I exchanged glances, which told me that he was thinking the same thing. After Caleb turned around, I answered quietly "It may seem kind of stalker-ish, but I've waited since sixth grade for him to notice me, what's another summer?" He nodded silently, "Besides, it's always easy to wait for something you want," I paused, "and I really want him to love me." He seemed to understand and we went back to talking about music, likes, and dislikes, which I newly suspected was for John.

BEN
Amber sat down next to me, radiating eagerness "We get to finish our blankets today," she announced cheerfully. I guessed she was a morning person. We settled into a good rhythm, talking about music and hobbies, but I knew I had to bring John up, and now I had a strategy — catch her off guard, and you'll get mostly the truth instead of her usual sarcastic and vague remark. "I haven't really talked too much with John about you, even though I've been to his house like five times this summer," I said. Her hand, which was steadily coloring before, was now motionless except for the quivering that consumed it. She caught her breath and blinked hard trying to clear her mind, I had to strike, "How come you didn't give him the note on the second to last day of school, then he'd have a day to think about it and maybe ask you out." She stuttered out how she didn't like confrontation or rumors. I had given her too much time to think. I decided to take a different approach, going along with her story, but still gently prodding. "Oh, so you don't like everyone knowing your business." It wasn't a question. I had too many of those to add another. "But it would have been smarter to talk to him the second to last day, then he'd have had a day to think about it," I pushed, and I could see that she was getting mildly disconcerted. Her voice quavered slightly with irritation, thought I could tell she was trying to keep herself under control, "Well I gave it to him on the last day, and he had a whole summer to think about it." I had to process that, and our table drifted into silence. "You must be very patient," I said finally. She sighed and opened her mouth to speak, when Caleb jumped in and said, "No she's not!" I was mortified, had he heard the whole conversation? I peered into Amber's face and saw the same level of shock there, then fire flashed in her green eyes. Caleb must have seen it, too, because he turned back around and kept his mouth shut. Smart idea. After an uncomfortably long minute of silence, Amber turned to me and said, "It may seem kind of stalker-ish, but I've waited since sixth grade for him to notice me, what's another summer?" She paused and I nodded for her to go on, and a slow grin crept to the corners of her mouth, this grin touched her eyes, "Besides, it's always easy to wait for something you want," she inhaled shakily, "and I really want him to love me." Finally, the truth! John would be proud of me tonight! Between her reactions and her confession, I had gathered the information I wanted, so I went back asking about her likes and dislikes. John wanted to know.

Part Two: Orientation
CHAPTER V
AMBER
I fussed over my carefully picked outfit. The tank top was absolutely amazing, especially paired with the corduroy pants and borrowed flip-flops, but tonight it had to be perfect for two reasons:

1) John would be there
2) I wanted to make Ben look like a jerk for the way he played mind games with me during the Summer Session. Since I wore black during most of the Session, Ben had probably reported to John that I had went Goth, so I decided on a really stylish, chic look for tonight, that didn't include black.

I couldn't believe that I would be seeing John in a matter of hours, and although each second felt like days, I was sure I could survive the wait.

~~~~~

Walking into the packed cafeteria, I felt adrenaline consume me. I scanned the room, but came up short. Where was John? I noticed his mother and sister sitting next to Kiyo and her mom, but didn't see John with them. He must be with Ben. I greeted Kiyo, and she sniped at me for not calling her all summer long. His sister looked at me carefully as I passed and when I caught her gaze, she smiled and I returned the gesture, before moving to the back of the cafeteria.
I spotted Nicki first, then Sarah, Wendy and Cameron. I went over and sat by them, my parents could listen to the sermon. After about five minutes, though, my mom came over and said "No detours for you, either." As I walked off, Cameron snickered. Ha...ha. Mom escorted me to where my dad and sister were standing. Sunny made a face at me; I rolled my eyes in return.
And then I saw him. There was Ben with his parents, and there, next to Ben, was John. I stared, the blood running cold in my veins. I must have walked right past him.
His face was just as I remembered, breathtakingly and heart wrenchingly beautiful— a sight not meant for mortal eyes. His frame was a little slimmer and more muscular and his eyes... were settled on me! I looked into his blazing orbs... and held his gaze. For the first time since we met, he looked away first. It wasn't easy to do so. My cheeks were burning the whole time with a blush I couldn't contain, and if he'd looked away a split-second after, he would have been the victor. But did he let me win?

NICOLE
I sat silently through John's Orientation, I was his sister, and I had to be nice. Scratch that, I was actually in it for myself. I really wanted to see Amber, this girl he really liked, and this was the most likely place I'd see her. I sat with our Mom, and Kiyo, who I knew as a mutual friend of Amber and John. I was sure she'd stop to see Kiyo and I was also sure Kiyo would address her by name. Suddenly, another family walked in, a brunette and a blonde girl, tailed by their parents. The blonde moved lithely towards the back, but took a detour when she caught sight of Kiyo.
"Kiyo!" she said, her voice a harsh whisper as she passed our aisle.
"Amber! Psycho, crazy person who never called me over the summer." Kiyo replied.
She rolled her eyes dramatically, but couldn't keep the grin off of her face. When she smiled, her whole face lit up. This was Amber. I could tell why John liked her when she tossed her head and pranced next to the aisle, obviously irritated that she couldn't get through to sit with Kiyo. She was spirited, playful. She was just like John.
And then her eyes met mine and I looked into the greenest, most haunting, most haunted eyes that I've ever seen. I was suddenly frozen, unable to look away from her delicate face, and then she blinked, releasing me. She smiled, and, remembering myself, I returned the gesture. Weird.

Part Three: First Quarter
CHAPTER VI
BEN
As I was walking to the back with John, he explained the plan. It couldn't be cheesy and, he glowered at me as he said this "No false false-impressions." It needed to be convincing, even though... but I shuddered at how much it would it would hurt her, and I couldn't stand the thought.

JOHN
I had to do it. To put this impression on her so that I could think the same and it would all be over. How did Amber put it in the Note? "If you cannot return the affection, then rip this note to shreds, and pretend that all is right in the world." That's what I was going to do. I'm too young to be in love.
I explained the plan to Ben, and was surprised he was so willing, but Ben was my almost-brother— he would do anything for me no matter how stupid. Mind you, if it backfired he would never fail to say 'I hate to say I told you so', but he'd be a part of the mayhem anyway. Everyone should have a friend like Ben. I just wondered what was going through his mind when he shuddered in the 104-degree heat.

AMBER
I couldn't understand it. He avoided me at orientation. He wouldn't talk to me on the first day of school. The second day he talked to me when I jumped into an already-created conversation — and he was sneaking glances at me the whole time— and responded to me when I said 'hi' to him in the hallways. Today was about the same. Did I screw up that bad? I talked to Kiyo on my way to the back of the school — she was going in the opposite direction, so I backtracked a bit then went on my way. I passed Ben and John right before I got to my locker and noticed Ben was chewing on his bottom lip and his expression was pained. What was his problem?

~~~~~

I dropped my stuff by one of the scrubby trees the school Administration had planted at the backside of the school, and sat down in the small bit of shade that the tree-bush could afford to give.
Suddenly, I heard heavy footsteps behind me. One with long, loping strides and one with shorter, more labored strides. John and Ben. I caught my breath, and then part of their conversation. There was a dwelling feel of anxiousness in the air.
"Hey look, John it's your lover." Ben spoke in a conveniently-loud-enough-for-you-to-hear voice. John muttered something incomprehensibly. The anxious feeling got heavier, and before I had time to think, Ben said, "What do you mean?" John muttered again. "You don't? How could you dis her like that? What's your problem?" John hesitated for a minute, "I don't love her." Even though I could barely hear him, I heard his velvet voice, and it hurt. My heart skipped a beat. Nothing had ever cut me that deeply. It would have been less painful for him to carve out my heart and rip it into pieces, still beating. I wasn't trembling because of the words, though. It was the fact that he did it in such a backwards way. Why couldn't he have told me? It would have hurt less if he had said to me that he absolutely loathed me, then spit in my face, slapped me, punched me in the stomach, and walked away laughing. It took a lot of control to keep from crying right there.

CHAPTER VII
BEN
I felt sick to my stomach as I left from school. I had just helped John completely break a good, strong person. You could look into her eyes and see all the love in her heart. Shouldn't that have been enough for John? Did he even see it? Was he happy now, when all you could see in her eyes was her pain?
What was the point of putting her under false impressions? Who did it help? John loved her, and she loved him. She loved passionately, irrevocably. It was beautiful, these two, and they would have made a beautiful couple.

JOHN

I was panicky as we headed home. I couldn't even believe what I had just done. What right did I have to ruin her? The point was for her to never talk to me again, and now, that was what I dreaded most. I had broken her in just one blow. A thousand lies could not have hurt as bad as that. I couldn't imagine the pain she was in right now. Was she crying? I couldn't bear the thought. I needed to apologize, but I couldn't, then she would know that I loved her in return. I liked it better when it was a mystery. I didn't like the idea of making her feel bad, of hurting her like I did. What did I do?

~~~~~

I switched on the light in my room and sat down on my bed to start homework, but I couldn't get into it. How could I, with what I had done to Amber? What was the price of my comfort zone? One girl's dreams? And I couldn't help but think how unconditionally and irreversibly she loved me. Until her, I wasn't really sure someone our age could love with such passion. Who was I to destroy that? I glanced at my clock. Two hours had passed.

AMBER
It was only until I got home that I cried. When it hit me like a sledgehammer and I felt all the air escape my lungs. How could he have done it? How could he have broken me down so easily? How was I sitting here shattered? I was a strong, independent individual. Life. Goes. On. I would probably never speak to John again, but I would not be ruined. I would not fall victim to his destruction. But by never speaking to him again, I would be ruined. I needed to talk to Ben, and until then, I would ignore John.

CHAPTER VIII
AMBER
It was after Orchestra on Friday, by then and I had tried awfully hard to ignore him — but it wasn't easy. It seemed like he was trying to talk to me all day yesterday and all day today. Like he was trying to make nice. I hadn't expected that, and I hadn't gotten a chance to talk to Ben.
Yesterday I had been diligent. I only answered him when he asked a direct question. I only joined a conversation with him if someone else was involved. But today I let my guard down.
"Are y'all going to the back?" I asked making sure to face Ben and not John. I already knew the answer.
"Yeah," he replied, his eyes were inquisitive.
I hesitated, "Could I walk with you?"
Ben smiled and opened his mouth to speak, but John beat him to it, "Sure!" Since when was he so enthusiastic?
Katie, who had been standing beside me, disapproved, "You're walking with those two as company?"
"Sure," I said, "Having these two idiots as company is better than no company at all." I couldn't help but stare pointedly at John, at the mention of 'idiot'.
"What?" he asked.
I sighed, "Oh, nothing..." Katie giggled, and then departed, and we were on our way with light conversation.
Suddenly John broke in, "Hey, Ben, let's make a break for it. She's got her cello, she couldn't catch us."
"You wouldn't do that." I responded, rolling my eyes dramatically.
Ben chuckled, "Yes, he would."
John smirked, the gesture touching his eyes, "Don't fool yourself, Amber."
I grimaced, and then put on an innocent face, "But you wouldn't." I batted my lashes at Ben.
"No, I guess not." He lied — I knew he would. Well, if John did.
"Wow, you're such a better friend than John." I twisted his name slightly, playfully.
John made a face at me. I made a face back.
Without notice, John announced, "I gotta go to my locker." He looked at Ben expectantly.
"I'm not walking all the way to your locker." Ben said, glancing quickly at me and back to John.
"Fine," John said, melodrama tangible in his voice, "Some friend you are."
I rolled my eyes again, "You two fight like an old married couple."
John broke out into a grin, the smile finding his eyes first, and Ben laughed.
"I didn't say it was funny," I informed dryly, "as a matter of fact, it's kind of sickening."
But neither one replied; then John headed to his locker, still grinning. We waved goodbye.
"I still can't believe it." Ben prompted, knowing I'd take the bait.
I did, "Can't believe what?"
"That you asked John out." He said, matter-of-factly.
I faltered and my heart skipped a beat. Yet again, Ben caught me off guard. Why did he feel the need to resurrect the Note? "Why?" I managed to ask, coolly. I wasn't exactly sure how the words escaped my throat, especially with my heart there.
But Ben noticed that I was uncomfortable and said, more gently, "Well I know he's smart and you think he's good-looking—"
"Yes, I do." I cut him off, keeping my gaze— which I realized was smoldering— even. I didn't like being made fun of, and the thick sarcasm when he mentioned my opinion of John's looks was unbearable.
He continued, ignoring my discourtesy, "but he's never going to take anything seriously. He's never going to take you seriously."
"Oh, and I never play around?" You could slice the sarcasm with a butter knife.
"Well, it's really not you. He's going to be grown someday, and he'll always be like this."
I digested that. He waited.
"Maybe you're right," I said, then quickly added "But I still love him."
Ben rolled his eyes this time.
"And, by the way," I started, adrenaline kicking in when I spoke the words, "That conversation... the day before yesterday..."
"Yeah?" He prompted, but then reconsidered, "That was sheer punishment for John."
I ignored the latter part "It hurt."
He was confused for a moment, "You?"
"Yeah." my voice was barely a whisper. Understanding washed over his face, but there was another emotion. Remorse? Ben felt bad that he had hurt me. But, why?
I crossed the street, not even giving him a backwards glance.

~~~~~

Lying in bed that night, everything became very clear to me. Everything Ben said, versus everything Ben meant. And it was shocking. I sat bolt upright, staring into the darkness.
A lot of thought went into the words spoken that afternoon. It was acutely unmistakable. Why hadn't I seen it before?
Ben thinks I could do better than John. Maybe he was right, but more likely he was wrong. Also, whom did he think I could do better with, and at what price? And what if I didn't want to do better if John wasn't involved?
And the comment "That was sheer punishment for John..." It had a double meaning. (And to believe I once thought that Ben was inept at dropping hints!) It sounded like he did that to punish John, but he could have meant that it was torture for him to do that.
And then something else clicked. I was not the one at fault if John didn't love me. All this time I thought I was lacking. I thought I had to improve myself to make me adequate. Because I thought John was perfect. Because I didn't think he could lack. I worshipped the ground he stood on, so how could he be unsatisfactory for me? Now I understood. Ben meant that if he didn't love me, — I shuddered at the notion— it was because he couldn't take the possibility of a relationship seriously.
I felt enlightened, uplifted, renewed. Why didn't I see it? Why couldn't I tell that I wasn't at fault? That was why John wanted to be my friend, but not my boyfriend. Actually, that was why he wanted to be my friend at all. If I had made that much of a mistake with anyone who took life more seriously, I would have lost him altogether.
But I still loved him. And it dawned on me that I always would. Could he ever love me back? If you put two jungle cats in the same cage, would they learn to coexist, or would one kill the other? Could we love each other, or would his joking tendencies— or my adoration— eventually end the other's existence?
There was another option. This was an option I didn't like, but an option I couldn't ignore. What if they both died? What if my love couldn't live without his dismissive attitude? There was only one way I could win— neither jungle cat could die. This was a matter of dominance — my love had to be dominant over his inability to be serious. His cat had to be present for my cat to live. They had to cohabitate.
And… I loved him for his flaws, not because he was perfect. Not because he was a deity or because he was a God. The ground he stood on wasn't divine; it was dirt. Plain, normal, ordinary dirt. The fact is— I had kissed it anyway. I loved his imperfections, his failings, his shortcomings. And I could love them, while I also loved his strengths.

CHAPTER IX
JOHN
I found myself thinking about her extensively as the days grew more numerous. She talked to me, but there was mistrust in the way she spoke, talking only with Ben and me. I guess she felt that if she talked to me alone, I would hurt her, like I did last time. It was getting old having to use Ben as a medium, of course, I had been doing that to her for quite some time, so maybe it was Karma.
I found my usual seat in fifth period, that is next to Sunny, Amber's fraternal twin. It was Amber who had exhibited how easily vexed she was, and whenever I was bored I irritated her. After annoying her unmercifully with double meanings and snide remarks, She finally said, "Amber still likes you."
I stared into her face, and saw no trace of a lie. I dropped my gaze. Really? I didn't **** up too bad? Damn. I never realized how resilient she was. I never knew she could bounce back so well. And it only made me love her more.

AMBER, THE VERY NEXT DAY
Ah, Friday. Even the air tasted sweeter today than it had the rest of the week, and for the first time since Sunday, I felt almost giddy. I galloped out of sixth period, overjoyed with the fact that I only had one more class to go, and Orchestra was a subject I absolutely adored.
Maybe part of my freedom was my realization a week ago, and maybe part was that I was slowing down on John for a while. Oddly, it seemed like Ben had been trying to get us together alone, but we were both perfectly contented with avoiding whatever plan he had in mind. I laughed at my friend, Randy, telling me all about his psycho fifth grade teacher, until he reached his class, and I would have to make the rest of the walk alone. Luckily, I caught up with my eleventh grade friend, Emma, and she tried to explain a Greek myth to me, one that I would have to retell for Regionals.
"So I insult a goddess—"
"Titan." She corrected.
"I insult a Titan; she goes ballistic, kills my fourteen children, my husband kills himself, and I end up getting turned into a rock, am I correct?"
"Yeah, yeah that's pretty much it."
"Greek Mythology is sick."
"At least this one doesn't come with the almost-standard incest thing." She replied.
I laughed at her, and we turned into our classes.
"Bye, Emma."
"Bye, Anza." She called, using my nickname.
I held the door for a stream of people, until no one else was coming and then I darted in.

~~~~~

I unpacked my cello happily, and then turned to get my music. Everybody was cracking jokes on everybody else, and it seemed that I wasn't exempt. Aaron Clark, the cellist who sat second to me was ranting about chairs.
"Y'all better not get used to your chairs."
"Really?" I asked, working off of him, "John and Ben could most certainly get comfortable."
Teresa giggled, "That's a burn."
"Walla, Watilla, Wabilla." I said, breaking out into Arabic. I took in the incredulous looks, "It's Arabic; I swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth."
John piped up, "Well look who's in last chair!" Teresa had been out all week and had missed the playing test that determined our chairs, by default, she had been placed last.
"Look who's in last chair that tried." Teresa volleyed back.
"Yeah, Ben." John said. Ben looked indignant.
"Oh, you're one better than Ben." I joined the game, upping the anti in the Battle of Wits, "He did nothing short of butchering the song."
John couldn't help but agree, and everyone but Ben burst into laughter.
"I'm sorry, that was harsh, but hey, it was Wabillah, nothing but the truth." I was greeted with more giggles, "Aww, come on, laugh..." I put on my doe eyes, "you know you want to."
He chuckled slightly, and then caught himself. "You'll get over yourself," I replied.

~~~~~

I shuddered at the incessant plucking coming from John's cello.
"Do you ever stop irritating people?" I asked John.
Ben noticed an opportunity, and replied, "It's okay; you'll get over yourself."
I recognized the words as my own and made a face at him.
"I'm sure I don't hear John Gregulak plucking his cello while I'm trying to tune." Mrs. Allen hinted.
"No, Ma'am, you don't." His sister, Nicole giggled at him getting in trouble. I guess Friday Fever wasn't inclusive of only cellos.

~~~~~

I wasn't entirely sure how class passed by so quickly, but I was glad to be walking out of the Orchestra room, and into the warmth of the day.
"Hey, Amber, wait up!" Ben called from behind me, with John at his heels.
"Why in the hell should I wait for y'all?" I asked surprised, yet undaunted that they wanted to walk with me.
"I never did anything mean to you." Ben said, with a hint of hinting in his voice.
I stared pointedly at John for a moment, and then looked away; Look, I can drop hints, too!
We had already reached the back gate, and, as usual, John departed to head to his locker.
Ben and I marveled at the psycho little sixth-graders.
"I don't think I would trust that kid on a bike." I said, nodding towards a little boy who was riding circles around his friends, "He's dangerous."
Ben chuckled, "And who's the idiot who gave him a skateboard?"
"His parents."
"Why? Aren't they supposed to know better?"
"They do." I replied, thinking on my feet, I had to get used to thinking on my feet around Ben, "They decided they didn't want a child anymore."
Ben and I laughed until our sides hurt.
"Shame we used to be like that." Ben mused.
"Some of us still are." I suggested.
"Who?"
"Me, Nicki— all the time, Cameron— occasionally, Kathleen— sometimes, Sarah— definitely."
"John," Be said, curving the topic towards John. I decided not to let him.
"You should see Nicki! Give her a soda, and she's gone. And then there's me, little miss cartwheels-in-heels." I flashed my two-inch sandals.
"And John will always be immature."
Just a few more steps, "Yeah, and Nicki and I will be, too." More dropping hints.
Ben opened his mouth to say something but I beat him to it, "I solemnly swear to never act my age."
"You don't act your age now." Ben scoffed, contorting his face, "You act over-mature."
"I guess we balance out." I volleyed, a slight acidity in my voice. I regretted it instantly because of the incredulous stare he gave me. "Sorry, I shouldn't have snapped. I don't mean to be so hostile towards you. Bye, Ben."
"Bye."

Part Four: New Beginnings
CHAPTER X
AMBER
"Something is going to happen to you, and the answer is yes." Sunny called to me, walking up the stairs with Jessica in tow. It was between fifth and sixth periods, and I was going from science to math.
"What?" I asked.
"Something is going to happen to you and the answer is yes." She repeated, slower this time.
"I heard you, idiot. What is going to happen to me?"
"I'm not telling you," she said, eyes dancing.
I would have annoyed the **** out of her until she told me, but I really had to get to math for my test, now. I galloped into the room with eight seconds to spare.
Hi, Amber!" my math buddy, Regina called.
"Something is going to happen to me and the answer is yes." I replied, answering with the only thing that I could think about.
"Umm... okay." she was used to me being random, so she took it very much in stride.
Something is going to happen to me and the answer is yes. There was going to be a question involved, one that would merit a response of 'yes' or 'no.' Also, she must have found it out last period, because if the situation was otherwise, she'd have told me at lunch. Someone was going to ask me out?
That had to be it; the feeling of anticipation was too large for anything else. But who? I considered this as I did my math assignment. John. I exhaled, shakily. He was in Sunny's last period; John could be asking me out. It could be Matt; I knew that he had a crush on me, and I wouldn't put it past Sunny to encourage him, and I kind of had a crush on Matt.
There were times that John had trampled my spirit into the dust. When he left me wasted on the ground for all to see. When he had dated Georgia, when he wouldn't reply to me when I asked him to go to the school dance with me. And in those times, in those lows when all but a spark of my spirit was gone, when I had to use that spark to build up a fire once again, I developed a liking for Matt. He was always undeservingly sweet to me, even (and especially) after I shunned him, but sometimes he was obnoxious. Going to fast, pushing to hard, but that was in his personality.
Unfortunately, he had gained a reputation for being desperate. He asked almost every girl in our group to go out with him in his first week. He also worshipped my sister, following her around like a puppy dog. I was surprised she didn't tell him to fetch.
I considered this as I turned in my test, and Mrs. Delauderantey let us know we could go, and I walked out of the classroom. Pulling up to the main hallway to the front of the school, I passed by John, who was looking at me with deeper concentration and intensity than ever before. Could it really be him?
Mrs. Allen wasn't there that day; she had some business to attend to elsewhere on campus, so she left a movie for us to watch. It dawned on me to ask Jessica what it was.
"Oh, Jessica!" I singsonged.
"Sunny swore me to secrecy." She replied, knowing what I asked before I said it.
"But Jessica! Tell me!" I whined.
"No. I can't!"
"Oh yes you can! I won't tell Sunny." I vowed.
"Somebody is going to ask you out."
"I kind of got that. Who?"
Her face clouded with indecision, "Sunny is going to kill me."
"I won't tell. I swear."
"Matt."
I found that I was utterly disappointed. How I prayed it was John! I glanced over at him and realized he was giving me the same peculiar look that he had given me on the way to class. Odd. I wonder if he knew.
Then I realized that I would have to face him after school. It's not that I was against Matt, but I wanted John to be my first boyfriend and my first kiss. I could tell him no, but he would never let me forget it, and he was my friend; how could I hurt him? I had to make a decision now— between the one I would never catch and the one who would follow me to the end of the earth. I thought about John, and the day he stole my cell phone. I had chased him for a good fifteen minutes, almost catching him many times. The only problem was that he was too changing— he turned too much, he out-maneuvered me. He either couldn't make up his mind where he wanted to go or he made the decision to not decide. I realized that that was how he was in real-life, too. Then there was Matt. He knew what he wanted— me. But he also wanted every other girl at the school, and I was not a notch on a bedpost. Also, would he respect me? If I told him "don't kiss me" would he respect my wishes? Would he try to touch me?

~~~~~

Ben and I walked alone to the back of the school; John had soccer practice. I tried to keep up a conversation, but it was so hard to, and Ben seemed pleased with silence. Maybe he had picked up on my jumpiness and my anxiety, I don't know, but I was grateful for it. All of a sudden, Joe walked up, towering above me definitely, and above Ben by a couple inches. And then I saw Matt. The four of us had a short conversation and then I insisted that I had to go on the grounds that I had an orthodontist appointment. I was avoiding it, but Matt insisted (even more forcefully than I), that he had to ask me something and Joe and Ben had to leave. Ben followed directions, but Joe was hesitant. Maybe he sensed the atmosphere and the almost-definite defeat of his buddy, but he stuck around, and I, knowing that I couldn't let on to Matt that I already knew, knowing that my escape bridges were burnt, and knowing that him asking me out was inevitable, shooed Joe away. "I need to go soon, Joe!" I made my voice urgent, and my eyes pleading, and without another word, he left. I turned to Matt, and he cleared his throat. I knew that this was incredibly hard for him. I knew that the knot in his stomach was a brother to the knot in mine. Matt feared rejection, but he set himself up for it. How could I reject my friend?
He looked me in the eyes; his shoulders were hunched as if he expected a no, and then looked away, obviously deciding that he didn't want to see me flinch. His arms were at his sides, his shoulders drooped, his face was taught, and I felt the anticipation falter and rise.
"I wanted to ask you a question..." Was he that nervous as he lifted his face to look into my eyes again? "I was wondering..." Come on, man, confidence! "Would you go out with me?" Even with the warning, I still felt myself flinch inside; I was still shocked. "Could I have a day— to think about it?" I gasped. "Yeah," and his face softened. I turned to walk away, "Hey! I don't get a hug, today?" I was in the habit of hugging people bye. ****, I thought, if I say no, I send the wrong impression, if I say yes I still send the wrong impression. What's the right impression?
"You caught me off guard, Matt," I pointed out, "That's hardly fair," and I gave him a quick, and mostly unwilling hug goodbye.

CHAPTER XI
AMBER, THE NEXT DAY
I avoided him all morning that day, staying in Mrs. Maki's computer lab. I didn't really have an answer and I didn't really want to talk to him. Did that make me horrible? I realized though, that doing that only bought me a little bit of time, but it was so precious...

~~~~~

Before lunch, my time was up, and I had to give him answer. Kathleen and Cameron stepped away, knowing the situation. (I told Kathleen, and the blabbermouth told Cameron.)
Matt stood dejectedly leaning against a post, "Well?" He prompted.
"Matt, I'm not entirely sure of your intentions. Do you really love me? Or are you just desperate? Did you know that it would hurt me to hurt you, because you're my buddy? Are you using me to get to Sunny? I know you were obsessed with her, and I wouldn't put deceit past you. I am naturally mistrustful.
Also, you tell stories that aren't entirely true. If nothing happened to you over the weekend, join the club.
I don't entirely understand you, either; you fear rejection, yet you set yourself up for it. And it would be so easy to say no to you. I've never been in a relationship, nobody's asked me out, I wouldn't know how to act, how to think, how to talk. But, I do know how to say no. So, even though I'll never hear the end of this from anybody...” I paused for dramatic effect. "Yes."
His face lit up, "I thought you would say—"
"No?" I interrupted.
"Yeah. Nobody else said yes."
"I couldn't tell you no. You've always been so good to me..." I trailed off, "but there is one condition."
"What?" He seemed irked.
"You may not kiss me." I said. My first kiss still belonged to John.
"Why? That's ridiculous!" He said. I glared at him. "Okay, okay." He relented.

AMBER, THE VERY NEXT DAY
I walked with John and Ben, and we caught up with Wendy, the Miss Gossip of our group. I decided to breach the subject carefully, and then changed my mind. John went off to his locker, and Ben hung back, talking to Joe.
"Have you heard who I'm dating?" I asked. Her reaction would be the same no matter how I said it.
"WHAT!?" I sidestepped away from her a second before she screamed.
"Jesus, Wendy. Do I have to repeat everything?"
She ignored me, "Who? Who? Who?"
I hesitated, suddenly unwilling to tell. "Matt."
I leaned against a tree while she jumped around as if she was dancing on hot coals. All of a sudden, she stopped. "Oh my god."
"I know."

CHAPTER XII
AMBER, THE SEVEN (PAINSTAKING) DAYS LATER
I pulled Matt aside after lunch.
"I want to talk to you." I said
"Are you mad? Irritated? Breaking up with me?"
"Yes."
"No. Don't." He pleaded.
"Matt, I—"
"Why?"
"When I told you that I would go out with you, I was confused—"
'How?" I really hated it when he interrupted me.
"I confused wanting to be your friend with wanting to be your girlfriend." I whispered, "I'm sorry."
"How could you hurt me like that?" He asked.
"I'm sorry. So, so sorry."
But he kept asking me, and every time I apologized until he began to wear on me. At the end of the day I finally snapped, "You act like I stood you up at the altar! We went out for eight days! For God's sake! Life goes on!" I regretted snapping at him, but I didn't regret breaking up with him. I had my reasons.
First, he told me "I love you" after four days. It freaked me out, but I realized that I couldn't tell him "I love you, too" without lying. That was main reason; I was still in love with John. By breaking up with Matt, I made my choice to follow the one that would always be just out of reach. He would never take me seriously, I would never quite catch him, but it was worth trying. Wasn't getting there half the fun? Didn't I enjoy running? I would have to sprint to catch John, and do so for a very long time, but wasn't that worth the prize?

CHAPTER XIII
AMBER, THE VERY NEXT WEEK
I didn't know what he saw. I wasn't wearing a lot of makeup. I wasn't wearing a special outfit. My hair was down— as usual. Still, I felt John's hot gaze burning through my back. I looked back at him, and saw his stunning orbs resting on me. My heart skipped a beat. He didn't flinch. I felt my cheeks burn, but I kept composure. Finally, Ms. Teale, our intern, finished tuning my cello, and I was allowed to sit down and face away from John. I, of course looked away first, blushing.
Earlier, we rushed into class together and began flipping through the music to find where our test would be. As I urged him "Find it, John! Find it," I was hyperaware of our proximity. John edged closer. I shivered. He looked smugly... pleased. Did it make him happy that he still had such an effect on me? Before I got a chance to think about it, Ben sauntered in.
"Aww, look." He cooed, mockingly.
John ignored him and I rolled my eyes. John edged still closer and we were touching. I felt my stomach bottom out and the nausea creep in, I think he noticed my hands shaking.
Ben, noticing that John wasn't paying attention made a kissy face at me. I flushed and scowled at him.
"John!" I singsonged, "Your friend is irritating me."
"Ben! How could you?" I was surprised that he was being nice, but then he winked at Ben, "I reserve the right to irritate her first."
"Some savior you are." I said, shifting my weight a little away from John, to regain logical thought. He sidled toward me again, ensuring that the vicious fluttering in my chest would not relent. How did he still have this effect on me?

JOHN
Amber broke up with Matt a week ago. The news was old, but it had just gotten to me. It was no wonder she seemed freer and uplifted. It was also no wonder she had been staring at me lately. I found that I actually enjoyed it.
It seemed like we were getting a little closer. We raced into Orchestra class together and were looking for the place in the music where we would be having our test. She seemed a little tense, and I didn't know why. I decided to test something. I sidled closer to her; she shivered. I was totally fascinated. After all that I tortured her, she was still in love with me. Suddenly, Ben waltzed in.
"Aww, look." His tone wasn't cold, but it was mocking. I chose to ignore him, because I wanted to test her more. I edged a little closer, and her hands started trembling. The poor, beautiful creature. How did I affect her like this? Couldn't she do better? Couldn't she find someone who had never hurt her and who never would? Yes, but that was the thing; she could. She didn't want "better." She wanted me.
Her angelic voice interrupted my thoughts, "John! Your friend is irritating me!" I wasn't surprised.
"Ben! How could you," her face lit up, but I winked at Ben, "I reserve the right to irritate her first."
Her jaw dropped partway, and she muttered, "Some savior you are."
I wondered why she wanted me to be her savior. I had hurt her, had I not? Why was she so undeservingly forgiving? Out of the blue, she shifted her weight slightly away from me, but I found that my deepest desire was to keep her close. I edged toward her again, making myself happy at her uncomfortable, trembling expense. Was I really that selfish?

CHAPTER XIV
AMBER, THE NEXT DAY
I clambered into P.E., dressing quickly out of excitement. The school had brought in a rock wall for us to climb. Sure, I was scared of heights, but it was an adventure, and I hadn't had time for an adventure in a while.
Facing the rock wall, I was beginning to feel very, very small. I looked up at the thirty-five foot monster that loomed above our heads, and listened to our instructions.
"You will find some of the rocks are loose. They are meant to be like that; we wanted to make it harder. Also, you cannot fall. The lines that are attached to you are hooked up to hydraulics. Even if you wanted to commit suicide, you couldn't. Anyone want to go first?" The last part didn't sound like a question, it sounded more like an order, but I wasn't surprised. The man who uttered these words was not Coach Hickman, but a man from the Army who had been with our class with another man and a woman all week. They had some notion that they were going to teach us teamwork. Ha.
I didn't go first, but I did go. I was moving very quickly at the bottom, until I found a loose rock. I let go of the defective stone, and was left hanging on three limbs. Needless to say, I screamed— a wild, high, and clear sound that sent ripples across the crowd many feet below me. I trembled. I slipped again a little later on, and was shaking uncontrollably. I began crying without shedding tears. I was terrified, but I trudged on, because I was almost at the top. Right between me and the buzzer at the top was a little blank space, about five feet tall, and the underside of a cliff.
"If you look down, you'll see a foot hold at your left knee." The army man directed. Compelled by the commanding power of his voice, I looked down without thinking— and regretted it. With both hands, I grasped onto the large rock at eye level. I would not let go. Then I noticed something. Climbing this wall was like achieving John. I went too fast at the beginning, and hit a hard spot at the end. I slipped a couple of times. At first, I wasn't prepared to slip, and it had me undone. I would have to take a risk to get to the buzzer, just like I would have to take a risk to get to John. I was scared to fail with John, just like I was scared to fall on the rock wall. And it made me angry with myself. I was letting my nerves get in the way of success. I was pushed on by my anger, though I was hyperaware of how high up I was and I was still sobbing. I pulled up with my aching arms, and levered my feet against the flat plastic. I only had one shot at this.
Whoop! The buzzer sounded. I did it. I succeeded! But I didn't want to get down. Now that I achieved, I wanted to stay on the top of the world forever— but I needed solid ground, now, but it was so far down. While I was stuck in indecision, I slipped again, but found no reason to cling on.
As I reached the ground, I was tormented with angst; it seems my nerves finally caught up with me. Instead of standing and taking the harness off, I collapsed, still attached to the rock wall. Still tearlessly sobbing, and shaking uncontrollably, I sat in a crumpled heap on the ground.
"Are you okay?" The second army man asked me. I nodded weakly.
"You're shaking like you went to a zoo and sat in the penguin pen for a day," said the first, amused.
"I'm— deftly afraid— of heights." I choked out between sobs, "It's like— a phobia." He hooked his arm under my ribcage and helped me to my feet. I readily took the harness off, and sat down beside Gabriella and Randy, who, besides Aaron and Miguel, were the only people in P.E. who were genuinely nice to me. I was in a P.E. class full of preps, so I was a little out of my element, like a flame dancing in a puddle. Not a good place for a flame. I found myself idly wondering how well John would do.

~~~~~

I worked hard through orchestra, despite Mrs. Allen's dismal, even though her dismal eventually led to her yelling. Nobody liked to incur the wrath of our Orchestra conductor, but it seemed that the high school was doing that more and more. Our concert was four weeks from the next Monday.
After class, I walked into the cello/bass room hastily; I had Certamen practice after school, which was like Brain Bowl for Latin. John was finishing packing up.
"I know what I need to practice this weekend." He commented.
"Me, too. It's going to irritate the **** out of Sunny, though." I replied.
"Yeah," he seemed amused, "Go into her room and start playing."
"What? We share a room."
John laughed until his face turned red. "Ha! You have to share a room with her?"
"Unfortunately."
John was distracted. "Whose science textbook is this?" He asked.
"Mine." I said as he noticed the name scrawled in the front cover in purple ink and cramped script. He picked it up and stepped out of the cello room, and into the rehearsal chamber. When he sauntered back in, he had no book.
I narrowed my eyes at him, "What did you do with my book?"
"Nothing." Liar.
"John, I need my book." I had finished packing my cello, by now.
"I obviously don't have it—"
"But you put it somewhere."
He waltzed off.
"*******." I grumbled.
"You're funny." Ben said, no longer a silent witness, "You've asked him out, and you call him an *******."
"He needs to be reminded of what he is." I hissed. I hoisted my backpack onto my shoulders.
"What did you do with my textbook?" I called to John as I stepped into the rehearsal chamber. He ignored me. Ben stepped up beside him. John whispered into his ear and they broke out into laughter.
I made my voice softer, "Please tell me, I need to get to Certamen." Something flickered behind John's inhumanly beautiful eyes. Ben nodded. I hated it when they went all ESP. Ben walked over carefully, as if he were approaching a wild animal, and not another person. He went to the music stand behind me, and a little to the left. He turned the stand around and revealed my science book.
"Thank you, Ben. You're my hero." I strode past John, "Villain." I snorted as I stepped out of the door.

JOHN
In P.E., the Administration got the bright idea to bring in a thirty-five foot rock wall. I loved the idea, but hated the harness. The army man, who had accompanied the rock wall and was teaching us teamwork, gave us instructions and tried to convince the squeamish to try. He asked for volunteers, Sunny, Cameron, and I went first.
Cameron went up the fastest. I found out that he was scared of heights, so he went up as quickly as possible, and didn't look down. Sunny was afraid of heights, but ended up looking down, so it took her quite a while to get three-quarters of the way up. She never finished the wall, because she was on the hardest side, where there was a ten-foot gap of no footholds. The army people commended her spirit, though, because she tried several more times.
I, who didn't have a fear of heights to make me swift, or the impulse to look down, finished second fastest in my class, Cameron being first. It was neither challenging nor easy. I rather enjoyed myself, so I did it two more times. I planned on asking Amber about how she did in Orchestra class.

~~~~~

I stepped into the cello room and saw Amber unpacking her instrument.
"So how did ya'll do on the rock wall?" The question addressed everyone, but was meant for her.
"I made it to the top!" She proclaimed, beaming. She seemed eager to talk to me. Such resilience. "I made it all the way and clicked the buzzer!"
"Wasn't it easy?" I noted.
"Actually, no."
"What?"
"I was scared to death. I'm afraid of heights, to the point of a phobia. One handhold moved. He said some were loose, but I didn't think it would be on the intermediate level. I lost my grip. By the end I was shaking uncontrollably," then, to my complete shock, she admitted, "and I was crying. It was the scariest thing I've ever done in my life. When I was through, I collapsed on the ground, still strapped to the stupid wall." She called it stupid, but there was no contempt in her voice. Even though it was something she conquered, she still respected it.
It awed me that she was afraid of heights. It awed me that she was afraid of anything. She seemed so dauntless. Like Atalanta in Greek mythology, who joined an all male hunting party and had an air "too maidenly to be a boy's, but too boyish to be a maiden's." She looked so fragile, but there was power in her strides, and the way she held herself made you have to respect her, no matter who you were. What surprised me the most was that she admitted that she cried to me. It was like she was letting down her guard toward me, and that was her way of letting me know. I never expected her to admit crying to anybody— that was like showing a weakness, and with her overly competitive nature, it just wasn't done. I imagined her sitting on the ground, shaking and crying, but I couldn't put her face to the sobbing figure— it didn't seem like her, and it hurt me too much to think about her like that.

~~~~~

After class, she strolled lithely into the cello room. I wanted so badly to talk to her, to simply hear her voice. I appraised her packing up her cello— her hands fluttering over the instrument, sheathing the bow, and covering the cello. She glanced up at me.
"I know what I need to practice this weekend." I prompted.
"Me, too. It's going to irritate the **** out of Sunny, though." she replied, taking the bait. I was surprised that she wasn't still mad at me for hurting her. Such resilience.
"Yeah," I was amused— that sounded like something she'd relish. "Go into her room and start playing."
"What? We share a room." She said, wrinkling her nose.
I laughed until it hurt to do so. No wonder they were so hostile toward each other! If I had to share a room with Nicole, I would hang myself in the closet. "You have to share a room with her?"
"Unfortunately." I could tell by her tone of voice that she was in a rush. I didn't want her to leave, so I tried to find a reason for her to stay. I noticed her science book on the table.
"Whose science textbook is this?"
"Mine."
I trotted out of the cello room and hid her textbook in the rehearsal chamber, behind a music stand. She glanced from my empty hands to my face, as I reentered the room.
Narrowing her eyes at me she said, "What did you do with my book?"
"Nothing." I replied smoothly.
"John, I need my book." Her voice was clear, calm, and cold, threatening, and also dangerous. Like dancing close a hot fire on a cold night. It made for a very chilling effect.
"I obviously don't have it—" She cut me off.
"But you put it somewhere," she pointed out.
I wandered off, not wanting to meet her burning gaze.
I heard her mutter, "*******."
Ben, the loyal sidekick commented, "You're funny. You've asked him out and you call him an *******."
She growled back, "He needs to be reminded of what he is." Ouch. Low blow.
She abandoned the cello room, "What did you do with my textbook?" I ignored her, and Ben stepped up beside me. He mouthed "where?" I whispered into his ear. It was right behind her.
"Please tell me, I need to get to Certamen." Her voice was softer, but it still smoldered. I looked to Ben, who rolled his eyes and lumbered over to the stand near her. He turned it around and revealed her textbook.
"Thank you, Ben. You're my hero." her voice was sarcastic acidity.
She took extra-long strides past me, "Villain," she spat.