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I have a 9 year old daughter that is what I call high needs. I’ve never known another child like this. She is very brilliant and excels in her school work. She is compassionate and empathetic and will often cry about another person’s situation. She is organized, punctual, mindful of the rules, and holds everyone to a high standard without being judgmental. At the same time she lacks self control, has emotional swings, becomes overwhelmed by change, is overly concerned with appearances and fitting in, worries to the point that she becomes sick, and will sometimes lie. Sometimes I feel like she is always “on” like a performer. She wouldn’t want someone else to feel like it was necessary to act like someone that they are not, but she feels she must appear to be like everyone else.

She has always been a special challenge. When she was little I had to be really careful about how much stimulation she received. She couldn’t be where there was much noise, where there were bright/flashing/colorful lights, the texture of the fabric that touched her skin needed consideration, and food was an issue. She didn’t replace a nursing with a meal until she was over ten months old- she nursed like a newborn for nearly a year. I think she just didn’t have any other coping skills and that was all she could do to feel better. Some children will just go to sleep when things get to be too much. She had a hard time. When it was time for her to go to school we had so many talks to prepare her for the experience. We talked about the noise in the cafeteria, the crappy toilet paper that schools have, how sometimes children will move around a lot, how teachers have to raise their voices to be heard sometimes, how recess would be “free” time and not be real structured, how some days she would have music and some days it would be art and things wouldn’t always be exactly the same. She adjusted very well.

A few weeks ago she was less able to deal with things again. I thought it was her math facts test. She knew all of her times tables, but couldn’t pass the timed test. Her homework would be to write the ones she didn’t answer ten times each, but it wasn’t helping her pass the test. We practiced and she knew them all without having to think so I was at a loss for what to do for her. One night we were working on the math facts and it was so pointless to make her write all of those facts again so I just changed her homework. She became so upset at the thought of me changing the homework you would have thought I was telling her that I was going to hijack the entire school or something. I wrote a note to the teacher and that was a small comfort to her. Then we went through each fact and I asked her how each one made her feel. Some of them made her feel nervous, even thought she knew them. We spent a few moments just practicing those until she felt confident in them. Then we talked about getting in the zone to test and not thinking about the time, or the next problem, or what the next kid was doing… just looking at the one problem and thinking only about that one problem. She passed the next day with 50 seconds to spare (you only get three seconds per problem) and she has passed every time since then. I thought this would make her feel better.

Now it is worse. It’s like she is at this climax of emotion and she just can’t get a handle on herself. I’m worried. She’s wound up tight. She gets this look in her eyes that is almost crazy, almost fearful. We try breathing exercises, physical exercises, meditation, music, talking, diet, everything. I’m just worried. I wish school were out. I think she could breathe a little easier. She has this little friend that is very much like her, but more extreme. They have had a bit of a falling out recently. I think that this may be part of the problem.

When she was little I would hold her stiff little body that was all worked up and nurse her and sing and she would feel all better. She would loosen up and her little face shone with contentment. I wish it were that easy now. I would take all of her troubles if I could. Learning to get along without your parents taking care of every aspect must be a difficult part of the maturation process, it is this ability that will make her more independent and self-sufficient. She will know how to manage herself, her life, her relationships, her children and so on, but I still wish I could make it easier. When they are little I can fix EVERYTHING, but when the become a little older they have to do their part, too.

Watching these children mature is such an amazing experience, and I’m very proud of who each of them are becoming. I just wish they could become themselves without sorrow or hardship. Having a little baby is a joy, but seeing these older children become and overcome is difficult, but more than joy- much much more.