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In the interest of maintaining my credibility and fondness of affirmation that contrary to certain Litnetters misguided charity I really am shallow and a nasty piece of work sometimes.

I have always been open about being a flawed Christian with serious parental issues. Monday was a challenge to both.

I'm at work just getting settled in my Monday routine of escaping dispatch for a day by envelope stuffing AAA memberships packets. I did over a thousand in an eight hour period with minimal goofing off.

My sister Elaine calls me at 3:30 pm with the news Mom is back in the hospital. She's 90 and full-time in a nursing home making Elaine's life miserable and slowly but surely letting the mask slip in front of the caretakers there who are discovering there are reasons I call average 45-60 days at a time.

I take the news fairly straight up. Elaine thought she was a goner this morning but apparently she's making a comeback. She has pneumonia and other troubles. What makes this unique is that Elaine never calls until after she's OUT of the hospital. This actually may be it.

I begin to brood. I had lied to my sister about coming home. I admitted to the problem of getting a rental car with maxed out credit cards (all Ruth's). My aren't maxed because I cut mine all up with the idea that you can't max them if you can't use them and it's a step to regaining financial freedom. My sister (who I assure you is broker them me) offered to let me use one of hers if possible. My lie involved telling her I'ld check into it. I'm doing no such thing.

I'm not going home.

I don't want to. Anything I have to say to my mother will remain unsaid for eternity as there is NOTHING that means a thing to me that she would be willing to talk about.

And there is so much pain even after two lifetimes ago. Let it go let it go. Ah but boomerangs and aftertaste return at uncommonly inconvenient times.

Josh comes back in the work area where I am alone about 10 minutes after this event telling someone out in the call center he was going "To die."

I imitate the Scarecrow of Romney Marsh and let out an involuntary sardonic laugh. He asks what's up and I actually start to mumble a curse--a sure sign I'm losing perspective on reality and I struggle to recover my sense of decorum and whip the drama queen back--not as successful as I care to be.

Josh: "Why is someone you know dying?"

Me: "My mother's working on it."

If THIS is not a low point in shallowness I don't know what else it would take to convince the few here that think way too well of me. (There are reasons I don't hear from Kathycf anymore.)

Josh: (Ever the Job's comforter): "I thought you don't like your mother." Statement not a question.

Pride kicks in at having a scab exposed that I didn't pull the bandaid off first and I declare the usual mantra about a woman who craves love and affection but is unable to give let alone enjoy any shown her to any great degree.

Josh leaves me in peace and the brooding continues.

To be fair Ruth and I had spent the previous THREE nights discussing her friend Amy who is wallowing in her grief and rejecting Ruth big time and with little display of the "Jesus" she so wants people to see in her. The third time I lost it and Zap ended up with my supper while Onyx hid in the kitchen while I told Ruth some unpleasant truths about Christian women in general when they are in conflict and about her so-called 'friend' that didn't go over all that well.

For all that I plead emotional wall-building for my self survival.

I had called Ruth briefly about Elaine's call and grumbled about the situation with the credit card balances needlessly reminding her we have had this conversation before. Again with the shallow cruelty and blame spreading.

It was after that I determined my course. A ten hour drive and a return trip all in one day. Six years and I don't have the desire or stamina. Mom will be in her eternal home and won't notice. I had called her on Mother's day and said I love you when I hung up but no sooner then said then that horrible thought Do I? On the basis of what? Lipservice or from the heart. I'll never be sure.

I get home wanting really only one thing. To watch the final House for the season. And of course my favorite female character Amber dies tragically (by an action she did not realize would have consequences but House did have a small contribution to it.)

And suddenly I cry.

If I love them/it/whatever they go. And it's only a story. My mother is real and my heart is scarred.

Ruth is asleep and oddly enough has said nothing about Mom. This is unlike her but she is very upset about Amy dumping her. I'm sure it's temporary. I can't be that lucky to be rid of her. She is Ruth's friend and never will be mine. She's a taker not a giver. There are times Ruth wishes I knew less of human nature in the gutter. I assure here it's the anger of grieving and venting and just wait it out and drop her for now and she'll come slinking back eventually. I have learned well from Job's comforters.

A PM from Andave Ya helped immensely reminding me that the Lord Christ is a loving God and there is still hope.

Now let's hear no more about NOT being shallow.