Barmy Blue's Bland Blog

Strange. I'm feeling kind of alone right now. Gah! I have to stop watching cute little love triangle animes.
I'm a pessimist. I think it's impossible to find someone special these days (if it ever was) especially for someone like me.
Ah sod it. I'm breaking out the Kaiser Chiefs.
It's all Tom's fault (no, he hasn't done anything recently), his fault but my weakness.
I was bored over the weekend. I've kept all of our little stories, not because of any sentimental value but because of the characters I created for them. They are and always will be the base of every character I create from now on. They were my first real characters, everything before them was just childish fantasy. They were all a very special piece of me, so special that I can't just flush them away with Tom. Tom was never a part of me so it was easier to turn my back on him, but I can't leave my precious children so easily. I made them, I moulded them, I followed their lives until the end, from birth to death. I gave them homes, friends, families, I gave them everything they could ever need. I loved every character I created. But they became tainted by Tom and when their lives had run their course and I cut Tom out they filed themselves away, like good children, to make way for my new children, children I will never share with Tom, he can never taint them, though someone else always could, if I shared tem, but there's no one special enough to share them with. If I died they'd die with me and no one would even know they existed, I haven't written much about them. At least when I collaborated with Tom they were forced into the open to adapt and he knows their stories, so if I died he could remember them (not that I see any reason he would want to, he's not sentimental enough to revisit the old stories and smile and say I loved making that character, she was always so cute and so happy, because that's how I designed her.)
Anyway, I read over one of them and since I've been thinking about them on and off. I don't understand why. I did it over the holiday and I was fine, they settled right back down where they belonged. But now they're popping back into my head. I CAN'T use them for anything else! I CAN'T write a book about them and share it with the world because even though I designed their personalities and everything else, initially they are all somehow taken from something else, and those that aren't taken from a cartoon or so are taken from Tom's characters. I can't do anything with them so it's a waste of time thinking about them like this. I can read the old stories and gain fresh inspiration from old ideas, yes, but I can't use THEM.
I haven't felt like this, not since coming here anyway, I don't think I did before either. It's a new feeling made of the existing ones but jumbled up.
I'm a bit lonely, a bit sad but happy, I'm not depressed (though I just sighed. I sigh when I'm depressed, but I also sigh when my lungs don't feel full) AM I BECOMING DEPRESSED!! No. I won't have a manic depression. I'M NOT FAILING LIKE THAT!!!!!!! I'M NOT! I REFUSE!!! I REFUSE TO GET DEPRESSED!!!!!!! I REFUSE TO THINK ABOUT LETTING TOM BACK INTO MY LIFE JUST BECAUSE I'VE REMEMBERED ONE OF THE GOOD THINGS ABOUT IT!!!! NO NO NO NO NO!!!!!! I'VE WORKED TOO HARD TO GET HERE, come to think of it, I'm not working hard enough to stay here. I worked hard to get here but that's it. I REFUSE TO FAIL LIKE THAT!
Good thing about Kaiser Chiefs, they don't remind me of Tom because I wasn't into them then, unlike The Rasmus, that's why that CD is back at home now. Kaiser Chiefs don't make me feel lonely, they always make me happy .
...... I'm happy now? I'M HAPPY NOW!! YAHOOOO!
Sorry about all the depressing babbling, but I feel better now.
Thank you for putting up with me.

Bluebiird out.