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NOTE: This entry was started, written, deleted so many times I decided now or never.

Kandis's funeral was a full day affair. My Myspace investigation into its allure and mystery and crash and burn experience ended in the wee hours the night before. I'm seriously sleep deprived with less then four hours real rest.

I'm in a rented 2008 Subaru Forrester (AWD) for a three hour one way trip from Fairborn, Ohio to Lebanon, Indiana. Feeling melllow and slightly edgy. This will be my second 'child' funeral and I'm flashbacking to little Chrisite M. from 1978. Ruth is quiet and subdued and I'm used to that. Neither of us play with the new car and its instrument panel. I hadn't been in a new vehicle since son Dan reposessed his truck after his tour in Iraq. When we picked up the car I set the car alarm off because I forgot how to use the door key computer chip opener to the amusement of the sales clerk.

On the way, since this is me after all, I start listing all the funerals/viewings I've been to over the years. Ruth actually remembers poor Peggy (who was murdered by her ex-husband who then had the decency to kill himself immediately after) and I had forgotten her. Could not believe she had escaped the brain cells as we contemplate the ever so slow hardening of the heart. Seems a lifetime ago and I shake the mood. We must be a bit more supportive then that. Kandis deserves a fresh tribute and not the stale remains of a regretted past and the ghosts that still haunt me.

The trip is completed with only one missed exit and a very quick request for directions back to the highway (2 lefts and there you are) and we make it to the funeral home just in time. I'm somewhat pleased with myself.

And now we finally get to meet the famous Amy and see what the big thrill has been all about.

For the next two hours I watched people come and go and observed human nature in action. Wondering how many people knew some of the soap opera elements I was privy to. Amy is Kandis grand-mother at the very young age of 40. Her son, Bub, (Brian Jr. I believe) was doing AIT for the Army National Guard in Cincinatti. Father Brian had to go get him. Brian and Amy are spliting up. There are various good and bad reasons for it. But I did observe some compassion for each other in the course of the day.

Brian and Bub are unable to bring themseleves to come into the viewing or the service. Little Kandis is viewed with quiet whispers and tears. Many photos are present and to me all little girls of 22 months standing look alike in their beauty. Ruth and I firmly believe she is in the Lord's arms as we mourn her loss to this life. I prefer to believe when a child is taken young it is a sign of mercy to the times the child will not have to live in this world of trial and tribulation. A small judgement perhaps from God as He loves children so much more then mere mortals can ever try as ever we can and we should appreciate them more. Her mother Sandy seems to be holding up well. I do not speak to her. I speak a tiny bit to Bub.

Prior to the viewing Brian's mother is attempting to console her son by praying over him. Loudly. The whited sepulchre comes to life at what was an awkward time. Brian has openly distanced himself from his parents and has rejected their beliefs and his life has been (to be kind) bringing no glory to God and a bit more shame to his marriage then you expect. Amy tends to preach at him also and that has contributed somewhat to the stress in the family. I believe his mother meant well. She spoke in tongues a bit (a doctrine I do NOT believe is for this age and was closed out at the end of the New Testament.) Brian still doesn't respond but visibly shrinks further back into his chair. Amy talks softly to him after the family matriarch finally lets up. Still can't bring himself to see his child dead. Perhaps for him that was best. Me I believe he may regret not paying this last tribute but I'm of a different mindset and he may be doing what was best for his peace of mind.

Here it would be well to confess a dislke for Brian's mother. I watched her greeting several people in attendance with the greeting of "See you in church" or "Why haven't I seen you in church?" This annoyed me mostly because of my own lack of attendance over fellowship issues and a light is going off in my head which will be recognized in a day or two. At two different times she and I make eye contact in the hallway but she turns away and addresses another of her entourage (or prey.) I admit to being disgruntled by the total lack of curiousity she displayed towards Ruth and I. Yes the shallow one wanted to be thanked for coming. Which is why I will receive little if any rewards in Heaven as we seek them here way way too much. A few days after the funeral I'm reading Spurgeon and he talks about Christians that only greet their brethren and it falls into place. Good old fashioned cliques in church. I think I like it here at Litnet due to the wide tolerance for differences here. For the record I'm painfully aware of judging the elderly lady beyond unseenliness. My beloved guttersnipes, especially oldest son Jim, thought Ruth and I forced religion down their throats. I never thought I did it enough and often dread the judgement of Eli as a result. This was force feeding at its finest. I just could not escape the conclusion some sort of play acting church lady thing was going on.

Amy isn't quite sure what to make of me. I refuse to even lean in her direction for a hug. A handshake is offered. Her hand moved first. Another is offered (rather formally) later when we get set to leave. I was able to make the proper noises regarding condolences. The only remark I remember was "I wish it had been under better circumstances." She tries to spend a small bit of time with Ruth but she is pressed all over the place and this is highly understandable.

The service is a testimony to the grace of God and a little child's joy that she brings to a family. For the first time ever at a funeral I see a pastor cry during his talk and the whited sepulchre starts to think of the grace of God and not the outwards trappings of what's proper at a viewing. I talked to him after the service and wish he and I could talk more of God's actions in our respective lives.

Ruth and I linger a bit and are one of the few to see the coffin closed up and prepared for loading. They run out of flags for the cars but the police allow the caravan thru without delay. The graveside service is short. Brian attends that but makes a bitter remark at the end that shall not be repeated here. The Pharisee comes back to life at this and smoulders awhile. Later sharing with friend Steve in Baltimore he reminds me that Brian is NOT a Christian and in deep sorrow and often rage is an expression and I feel bad at my lack of sympathy. Plus I can feel myself getting tired (and hungry). Ruth and I had eaten only some chips and half a soda all day. Fortunately I'm used to late lunch/dinner so I manage.

We go to the banquet. Indecisive Ruthie is easily persauded to stay for that and I agreed mostly as this is her time and it's the right thing to do but I'm dreading the drive back around Indianapolis in 5 pm traffic. Suck it up Richie. You can do this.

And we do. Pretty much ignored at the banquet (we are strangers after all) but it's pleasant. Amy drags Ruth off for a few moments of lady time. Then we return home. Ruth wants to stop for junk food but I'm in no mood for Burger King just want to get home and go to bed.

Which I do. We're back dropping the car off at 7:30 pm and home by 7:45 pm. I'm tucked in by 8 pm where I catnap a couple of hours.

Rest in the Lord Christ's arms Kandis. You will not be soon forgotten.