Planet of the Ape

I was reading B's entry a few minutes ago. Hope he doesn't mind if I do the same.

From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.
Groucho Marx

I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me.
Dave Barry

The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself.
James Thurber

Humor is a rubber sword - it allows you to make a point without drawing blood.
Mary Hirsch

The two most common elements in the universe are Hydrogen and stupidity.
Harlan Ellison

In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.
Rita Rudner

If a dog jumps in your lap, it is because he is fond of you; but if a cat does the same thing, it is because your lap is warmer.
Alfred North Whitehead

The cure for boredom is curiosity. There is no cure for curiosity.
Dorothy Parker

Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain - and most fools do.
Dale Carnegie

Never criticize a man until you've walked a mile in his moccasins.
Native American Proverb

Skiing combines outdoor fun with knocking down trees with your face.
Dave Barry

I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves.
August Strindberg (I thought this was funny, but don't really agree with it)

If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man.
Mark Twain

Eccentricity is not, as dull people would have us believe, a form of madness. It is often a kind of innocent pride, and the man of genius and the aristocrat are frequently regarded as eccentrics because genius and aristocrat are entirely unafraid of and uninfluenced by the opinions and vagaries of the crowd.
Edith Sitwell

No race can prosper till it learns that there is as much dignity in tilling a field as in writing a poem.
Booker T. Washington

Electricity is actually made up of extremely tiny particles called electrons, that you cannot see with the naked eye unless you have been drinking.
Dave Barry

Tomatoes and oregano make it Italian; wine and tarragon make it French. Sour cream makes it Russian; lemon and cinnamon make it Greek. Soy sauce makes it Chinese; garlic makes it good.
Alice May Brock

What some call health, if purchased by perpetual anxiety about diet, isn't much better than tedious disease.
George Dennison Prentice

I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, 'I'd like some fries.' The girl at the counter said, 'Would you like some fries with that?'
Jay Leno

Sharing food with another human being is an intimate act that should not be indulged in lightly.
M. F. K. Fisher

Cleanliness and order are not matters of instinct; they are matters of education, and like most great things, you must cultivate a taste for them.
Benjamin Disraeli

Rudeness is the weak man's imitation of strength.
Eric Hoffer

Politeness and consideration for others is like investing pennies and getting dollars back.
Thomas Sowell

You can only be young once. But you can always be immature.
Dave Barry