The Nation of the Glorious Turnip

DON'T FALL ASLEEP

Only if you're no longer at the centre of the universe, or it might just collapse unto you with the thundering sounds of wild animals, running passed in the Serengeti.

That's what's happened to me, and now I'm in a hole as black as a sightless place without much light or any other pleasant colours. Although at the event horizon, I kind of failed to notice anything much happening to me at all. I became such a part of things, that not even a flying bat could prevent me from reaching down to my shoe and untie it. Although, probably it would have done me little good to untie anything, since I had nothing to throw it at. The bat was gone and all there was to see was the past, catching up, laughing, as I fell further into this gravity sink.

There was my mother, giving birth to twins, one of which wasn't me. the other wasn't me either, so somewhere the past got itself mixed up with someone else. There had to be someone else here in this black hole of a place. There was a name sign. Amsterdam... Huh, that's not the centre of the universe. Now where is this hospital with the twins, and where is their dad? Shouldn't there be a father somewhere? Perhaps he is out looking for a taxi to take him home. Probably forgot to turn off the stove. That's a bad thing, as everyone knows. except when you're cooking something, then it needs to be on, or you won't get any boiling water.

Cooking, yeah, that's the way to do it. Make some good herbal tea, perhaps a hint of cinnamon, no hold the cinnamon, that's no good at the centre of the universe. Make that lemon, it's what that grey guy likes, the earl, you know the one. He's looking right at us, standing in the middle between this black hole and the white light at the end of that, well, it's not a tunnel now is it, we're not in a tunnel. We're in, what did the sign say again? ...? Amsterdam, but that's not right, because the future isn't there, and I must be in the future, because the past just passed me with two smiling twins and a mother with a caesarean section, some doctor that was. All bloody and smiling.

I'm getting tired of this passed thing, I think i should make time infinite, that way, I can ignore it all I like, as long as it doesn't go faster than space, or am I not making sense to myself, why are all these people staring at me? Hey! Are you looking at the same girl I am? Isn't that what you should do, stop staring at me! It's not working, go back to Amsterdam, I'm at the centre of the universe and there should only be enough room for two. I can fit in, but the fat has got to go, why is it bulging, I'm not fat, why is this strange mirror showing me a fat bloated weirdo with a cigar. Have a cigar he says, wait, it's not a mirror, it's one of those little boots that sell tickets. The guy, why does he offer me a cigar? Oh, sell those too ey? Take them somewhere else, I want a ticket, yeah to the centre of the universe, I misplaced that, and I need to get back.

Back Black! Turn on the light! Oh I forgot, I'm in a black hole. Well, if that's the case, call that hawkings guy to tell him he's dead wrong with his book on something or other, black holes aren't empty at all, or isn't that what he said? It's full of stuff that I never noticed before, at least I'm not alone, but I still can't say I see all the babes I want to see, it's all so dark in here. HELLO!!!! where is my ticket, give me my ticket to the end of the future. I want to meet up with those twins, maybe they can tell me about their doctor, the bloody one, or wait, I should probably just go to bed, and find that I sleep better on a full stomach. I'll have one of those veggie burgers, you know, the type made out of vegetarians. Do you sell those fat man? Well do you?!?

No I don't want your bloody cigars. I want a veggie burger! Oh, and a ticket, to somewhere, the Serengeti sounds about right. Look, a pair of zebra just crossed the road, and they didn't even wait for the lights to turn green. They better run, because here comes the lion police! Hi there officer, nice weather isn't it. Yeah, sun's burning, but no worries here, it's dark and black as a black hole and all, something to do with the forces of gravity being so strong due to the incredible mass below us, so no light can escape, but hey, if it's dark, where did all the light go? I mean, if I turn around, I should see it coming right at me, shouldn't I officer? Oh, so you arrested the light for loitering. Yeah, figures, it's everywhere, always hanging around, but I mean, technically it isn't loitering, it's just everywhere, but it still goes really, really fast.

Sure officer, have fun catching those zebra's on the Serengeti! Sorry to get technical on you, but it's what scientists do, even though I ain't one.

I've had enough, no time to stay awake anyway, I've got my ticket to the centre of the universe, and would you believe it! The train is actually on time, so good night everyone!