View RSS Feed

Virgil

"To My Love"

Rate this Entry
11 Comments
by
Virgil
, 02-18-2008 at 06:23 PM (1807 Views)
Ok, here's a poem I submitted for the St. Valentines Day poetry contest. The typo I had in there is corrected. I don't think I'll start a thread for this, but I would like to know people's thoughts. Any good? How can it be improved? Or is it hopeless mush?


To My Love

Come my darling the moon is round
And stars undress the breast of night
Against the clasp of the dark bow;
Come the evening has turned,
Let us to bed.
And once in bed let’s snip the light
And purse into our covers white
And press our eyes into a sleep
Then slip into a height of dreams
We are in bed.

Aroused or asleep, I ask, where is heaven?
With your arm across my chest,
Your chin pressed to my shoulder,
It seems the celestial arc above us
Pivots to the pattern of your breathing.
You shift, I shift.
Whatever moves Venus and Mars
Moves us on this mattress,
Circles the rings of Saturn
The moons of Jupiter, and our dear Luna
Saunters across the onyx sky,
The cold flesh of space,
Inverse to the warm breast against my arm.
Your leg crosses over mine,
While comets foil their tails bright,
Like snowballs shedding icy drops,
The moisture of your breath against my ear.

This bed was once a cherry tree,
Sprouting pink blossoms in April,
The sign of our love.
Each year as another ring grew,
It rose higher in the sunshine of day,
Lignum tissue soaked with sap.
Still now the wood, as in its bloom days,
Braces firm to motion, as you turn,
Folds to the sun, as I swing to you,
Nudge up to the round curve of your hips.
My arm goes over you now,
The blossoms bud to my touch
And when you turn back and our arms
Intertwine like the branches of the tree,
We slide our bottoms down
And hear the drumming axe, panels pressed,
Cut and joined and stained.

Oh my darling, I am so spent,
So stroke your touch across my neck
And let the stars move to their minds,
Let’s lay in bed.
And when the sun decides to shine,
And trees stretch out a morning sigh,
And we are drained like fallen trees,
Let’s lay in bed.
Categories

Comments

  1. Niamh's Avatar
    funny the two poems i was torn between where the two that drew. Its a wonderful poem virg.
  2. 1n50mn14's Avatar
    I was too late to vote on the poetry contest, but reading through them, this one was my favourite.
  3. 's Avatar
    I haven't read any of the poems in the Valentine's contest. Anyway I hope you won. Your poems are full of heart. Now that being said, Virge, let me say
    that this "Oh my darling" line has to go. There are some lines I like, but the poem as a whole---well, um....it's well crafted and poetic and that --but it smells of adolescent foreplay. Oh I guess you leave crossing that line up to the reader. Yeah yeah I get it.
  4. Virgil's Avatar
    Quote Originally Posted by Jon
    Oh my darling" line has to go. There are some lines I like, but the poem as a whole---well, um....it's well crafted and poetic and that --but it smells of adolescent foreplay.
    Hehe, no one has called me adolescent in quite a while. You're right about that "darling" line. Now that you point it out, yuck. Who cares if I won, it made a good Valentine's day present for my wife. I got off cheap this year. It's great being a poet. All you have to do is throw together a bunch of mushy lines, call it a poem, and you got yourself a present. Actually, I tied for first with AuntShecky. You should read her poem, you might like it. I voted for hers. Thanks to everyone else who commented.
  5. Shalot's Avatar
    It's a good poem and sweet. But, and this has nothing to do with the quality of your writing, as I read it, I couldn't help but think of sharing the bed with my husband, and all I could think of was those nights when he is clearly on my side of the bed or when he accuses me of hogging ALL the covers or the war over the good pillow (you know, how pillows get all flat and misshapen, even when you buy a good one, and somehow out of the four plus pillows you have, there is only one good one to sleep on and you secretly steal it from his side of the bed, and then the next night you realize that you don't have the good pillow anymore). I guess we're beyond the celestial arc at this point.
  6. Virgil's Avatar
    That was great Shalot. Apparently you have a similar war in your bed that I have with my wife in ours.
  7. kiz_paws's Avatar
    Your poem was sweet, Virgil, not mushy at all. It was one of those poems where seeking comfort from one's 'better half' by just being beside them was so sweetly said in these words. But, in your comment below you say:
    It's great being a poet. All you have to do is throw together a bunch of mushy lines, call it a poem, and you got yourself a present
    and this sentiment, even in jest kinda made me squint my eyes, you know? I don't know, kind of unexpected ...
  8. Petrarch's Love's Avatar
    Hi Virg--Well, your poem got my vote. I enjoyed it, especially the metaphysical style imagery you play with in the second and third stanzas. I thought the bit about the bed having once been a tree was the best. My overall impression poetically speaking was that there were many places with a good lyric control of the language. The sound and the scansion of it works well. There were a few mushy spots. I'm afraid the first line almost turned me off because the tune to "O my darling Clementine" popped into my head ; in fact the first five lines or so were pretty predictable. I was also unsure about the metaphor of the snowballs. They were a bit jarring in the middle of all this cosmic imagery, and I didn't really get what they were doing there.
  9. Virgil's Avatar
    Thanks Petrarch. I thought the beginning was rough too. I wanted to revise it, but I didn't have the time nor did I know what to do different. I kind of liked the snowball imagery. Perhaps it was too strong an analogy and took away from what it was suppose to describe.
  10. Granny5's Avatar
    Virgil, it's a beautiful poem. Your wife is as lucky as you to have a husband who is a poet. Poppy just hasn't learned to write a poem without a fish in it or he could get off cheaply, too.
  11. 's Avatar
    I dont know why (dont u just hate people when they say so!) but this didnt feel like the best i've read from you. Of course, there wouldnt be a best if every piece is the best, but best sounds like something coming from you, whenever it comes.