The Nation of the Glorious Turnip

GOODBYE, SO LONG AND EAT YOUR BLOODY PEANUTS

Trying to make sense of the universe serves only to illustrate the fact that the universe makes no sense at all.

This is the story of Kevin, the cousin of ‘Bob’ who was a famous piece of paper that saved the universe in way that will never be told in a manner that can be quite understood at all by anyone that has at least a common sense the size of a peanut. (Or perhaps a different, similarly sized nut, if one is allergic to peanuts and thus also allergic to common sense.)

Back to Kevin. As some found him, they could usually describe him as somewhat obese. This is quite the understatement, since Kevin was fond of grapes, and not just grapes, but everything else that is edible and not quite so edible. The result is that he became a celestial body the size of a small planet, not quite unlike Mars, although mars didn’t really like grapes or any other types of healthy food, Mars only liked candy bars, which has resulted in him having high blood pressure and a somewhat reddish look. Just don’t make him angry, or he will certainly explode with not so pleasant effect for nearby planets that do have a healthy diet. Jupiter for one, although often ridiculed for being so obese, is quite the lightweight for its size. But Saturn tops it all, by not eating at all, he manages to shrink daily, hoping to someday be as thin as mercury. Fat chance, Jupiter told him, as he stormed of to his room, you see, Jupiter is somewhat of a childish planet, always having to be the biggest at everything. This was fine for a while, until the sun told him to shut it and eat his bloody peanuts, which Jupiter refused and stomped of to his alternate dimension.

Kevin however was not officially a planet, he just had the size of a planet, and also happened to have a personal atmosphere. People always thought he was a bit dumb, and they would be right. The spaceport build into his left nostril was destroyed when he sneezed due to an allergic reaction to the exhaust fumes of a trillarian freighter. The rebuilt spaceport had a somewhat safer spot, although on occasion the air quality would get rather bad usually about an hour after Kevin had eaten a load of grapes shipped to him by planetary freighters straight from Grapes LXXII, which is the premium growth center of the universe for grapes shaped like melons.

Kevin however wanted to take a quick holiday in the horsehead nebula, as he had heard from someone else that it is quite a dense place, and Kevin, being a bit dense himself figured he would be right at home. He initiated his high powered flatulence drive, and in the process, destroyed the newly build spaceport, which was sent flying of into space. Before he left he occupied the fourth orbital slot between earth and mars, which is now once again vacant and for rent, although it is rumored that the teapot that previously occupied it is keen to retake it, since the orbit between Mars and Jupiter can get a bit bumpy, what with all the squatting asteroids. It is however, doubtful if it can make rent and as such is required to provide full disclosure into its financial statements.

As the flatulence drive got up to speed, Kevin quickly passed the cussing Mars, who happened to be shouting at Phobos and Deimos to take a hike. Both rocks however blatantly ignored the planet of their orbit since they went to one to many death metal concert and messed up their hearing something good, they also had trouble keeping a sustainable orbit, but that’s another story.

Kevin in the mean time avoided all the obnoxious asteroids, which were still squatting and said hi to Russel’s teapot who was none to happy about all the squatters in his orbital slot. Kevin told him he could have his slot if he wanted, and would put in a good word at the sun using smoke signals.

Jupiter as usual was mocking about, since he didn’t get his way with anything at all, most recently his attempt at stealing titan from Saturn, which he was quite fond of as a moon. Kevin ignored him and told Europe she could always hitch a hike if she wanted. Europe agreed and took a nice lunar orbit around Kevin, making sure to avoid the area in which his flatulence drive was located, since the exhaust fumes could get a little nasty at times.

Saturn bobbed by to wish both a pleasant trip, but Neptune and Uranus where to concerned with getting Uranus to right itself, since it fell down after a night in the pub, and could get himself up again. Kevin offered to help and was ignored altogether so he just upped a notch on the acceleration by eating a few more onions. The result was that they blazed passed the now sulking Pluto, and not long after left the ort cloud behind them.

So this is how Kevin left the solar system, and with him were Europe and Voyager II, who was angry at the fact that Voyager I got all the attention.

It took them a while to get to the horse head nebula, and once they arrived they found it was not quite what they expected it to be but it beat having to listen to Jupiter’s whining and Mars cussing about at random. So they stayed and found a nice and friendly star that rented out orbital slots at a decent price.

They lived happily ever after until the end of the universe, at which point there was a particular rebirth, and the whole process started all over again, except this time without Kevin or any other type of silly happenings, since the new universe made quite a bit more sense, due to the fact that it did eat all its bloody peanuts without suffering from allergic reactions that caused his insides to make not a whole lot of sense at all.