The Nation of the Glorious Turnip

TWO FOLDS OF ‘BOB’(1)

After ‘Bob’ heard the words of Charles in the vision, he immediately went and got a discount card for the local supermarket. He rather liked being invisible. The unforeseen side effect was that he temporarily phased out of existence and came into a world where the most exciting thing was a flying donkey with a big ***(2) . Bob would have liked it there as a number of sultry pine trees where standing together, looking from under their leaves, eyeing ‘Bob’ as he floated gently through what was presumably air, on his way down to the mauve grass on the ground. ‘Bob’ did not like it, he had to worry about folding too much, and folding is a bad thing for any piece of paper. Too many folds and you get fat, something ‘Bob’ certainly did not want, he took great pride in his slim, almost 2-dimensional physique. Not to mention the colour changes related to the stress of being a piece of paper in an ordinary world with no one to talk to but a flying donkey with a big *** and some sultry trees with looks that leave no question as to their intentions. He was rather pleased with his crisp white complexion.

Bob in the meantime was rather amused to see that Charles continuously bumped into the motionless ‘Bob’ while trying to explain that the universe was now lost forever.

Five minutes and numerous bumps later, ‘Bob’ got rid of the discount card, and the universe once again could be saved from Something or someone we will not encounter until later in the story. Do not be confused however, as this is his actual birth name.

“That’s preposterous, nobody calls their child that!” Bob’s annoying voice, now even more annoyed, is, even more annoyingly, repeated by the mountain in the background in an annoying voice: “Nobody calls their child that!”

“Who said that?!” Bob’s startled resonators make his voice shift, and it comes out in a squeaky high pitch noise that can be described as painful, but his question is valid, since the mountains had no business inside Charles cavern, they could not possibly fit inside due to their somewhat larger than average size.(3)

As ‘Bob’ and Frankie say goodbye to Charles they notice that Bob is missing. “I guess he’s back to that tree again, I’ll go and get him.” Frankie, with a sigh heads off towards the exit, and flies dead smack into Bob, who came back running. “She’s after me! The tree, she’s a vampire! Help me!”

“Well, what do you know, Bob got a tree that’s a match for him.” ‘Bob’s not amused, but still, a vampire? “I’m sure you’re just over reacting.”

“No, I’m serious!” Bob, shivering all over, seems to compose himself a little bit, “She tried to stick her own twig in me and suck up my juices, I barely escaped with my juices intact.”

Frankie and ‘Bob’ look at Bob with big eyes for a moment and Charles walks in circles bumping into a piece of rock. Then they all start laughing. “It’s not funny you half-wits!” Bob’s anger takes over but Frankie manages to stop laughing for a moment and, with tears in his eyes comments: ”Your beautiful tree lady is a he and I think he liked you!” Strangely enough, Bob liked this explanation, and laughed it off, stating: “What can I say, I have an attractive personality, trees just can’t resist my charms.”

Finally ready to say goodbye to Charles, the troglobite was nowhere to be found, so the team shrugged their proverbial shoulders, except for Frankie, who has actual shoulders and could shrug them without using a proverb. They soon exit the cavern, and ‘Bob’ and Bob climbed back onto Frankie Two wings’ back, ready to head off on an adventure to the local supermarket(4) , where they would get provisions and a new windscreen wiper without the use of a discount card.

Frankie, now quickly rising above the mountains smirks. “That is only because nobody thought of naming their child something or someone we will not encounter until later in the story. Personally, I think it’s a great name, what do you say ‘Bob’?

But ‘Bob’ isn’t paying attention; he is still obsessed with the discount card. Somehow it violates his privacy, but he has yet to figure out how, since Charles visions also violates his privacy, and thus they must negate each other, making the discount card quite worthless, unless you consider the discounts one can get at the supermarket, but that is just to entice you to buy the products with a high margin in the first place and why do they need a windscreen wiper anyway? Wouldn’t they first need a windscreen?
“All will be revealed in due time to you Part 299 And A Bit, be patient and trust in the troglobite.” The voice was commanding, compelling ‘Bob’ to instant patience and attention to his inner fibres.

“So I must be patient” ‘Bob’ thought, “I will be patient, and I will trust in the prophet, he has shown me a destiny far greater that anything I could ever have imagined. Still, there is something unnerving about all this. Something doesn’t feel right, as if the entire universe is about to mock me for my belief in Bob as the universe made manifest.”

“’Bob’ I asked you something, you paying attention or what?” Frankie’s exuberant voice penetrates ‘Bob’ thoughts and he immediately reverts back to the present. Below him there is a blue river that meanders through a valley filled with a lush dark green forest. This whole idyllic visage is surrounded by a large mountain range whose ominous silence is pregnant with a thousand words of portent. A shudders runs down his fibres, as ‘Bob’ focuses his attention on Frankie’s words, but he can’t discern exactly what the question was.

“Yes, what? Wait, I’m not changing colour am I?” The sudden realization that he might change colour and become green with purple stripes, or worse, orange with blue dots caused him to almost sprout small yellow spots all over. Fortunately for the universe, ‘Bob’ could subconsciously contain himself.(5)

“Nah, you’re white as a white piece of paper, no worries, no voices, no sunshine, well safe for the sunrays burning down the end of my twig.” Bob still could not get over the excessive talking he was prone to ever since he entered the great caves of Charles the troglobite.“ You know, if twigs could get a tan, I’d probably have more chance with those lovely trees down in that succulent forest below. I should look into that, maybe they have some kind of potion for it over at Martian Knives INC!”

“Just shut it Bob” ‘Bob’ said, before Bob could say more, “What was it you asked Frank?”

Frankie Two Wings, quite able minded for a confused drunken leprechaun named Steve, who he is not, is apparently looking at something far away that only his eagle eyes can see. It takes him a few seconds before he answers, but when he does, it is with his usual cheerful demeanour: “I’m glad you asked! My comment was that something or someone we will not encounter until later in the story is quite a good name for a villain, and whoever named him, was quite the genius, since it is so mysterious.” Frankie is so pleased with his clever observation that he forgets to look where he is going. “Not only is it mysterious, but it is also very secretive, and doesn’t divulge much about the character at all. Perfect for a late introduction.”

‘Bob’ rolls his eyes at this observation, and as he does, he notices something in the corner of his eye; a shiny metallic object is approaching fast! “Frankie, watch out!” he exclaims in dread, as it would seem the object is going to collide with them.

“Heyho there, I nearly flew into that unassuming spaceship ahead.” Frankie’s relaxed slow comment alarms Bob, who was still daydreaming about lush, juicy trees he could stick his end into.

“What spaceship?” Bob looks up and behold the metallic object slows down, and the details clearly show it as a spaceship. “Wow that is quite the sight. Look at the size of that thing. It is at least as big as a car, if not bigger.”(6) Bob looks in awe, as the ship continues to decent. It is somewhat oval shaped and on the bottom, with rather large crude handwritten letters it says: UFO I. “UFO I? Isn’t that…?”

***Service announcement***

Normally, the writer that creates stories in an episodic format for the reader that enjoys cliffhangers would intervene at this point. Fortunately for us, it is currently receiving a major overhaul. The story will continue exactly where it left off, for clarity purposes the last words will be repeated

***Service announcement***

“UFO I? Isn’t that…?”

But before Bob can finish his sentence, my booming voice emits from a speaker attached to the bottom of the spaceship: “Yes Bob. It is I, the author of this story, and known across the universe as His Royal Highness the Benevolent and Just King Aimus the first Ruler of the Infinite Universe, Mars, and the nation of the Glorious Turnip. I came here to give you guys a lift to Alpha Centauri. I was on my way there anyway, and figured, since I wrote that you were also headed there, I might as well give you a lift. All of this is incognito of course. That is why I am not using my flagship, but this small unassuming Ufo.” I pause a moment and, with a sigh, continue: “Alas, an overzealous Martian foot soldier painted my signature ship designation on the belly. I just hope nobody is going to ask me for an autograph.”

Now this is a great coincidence and honour ‘Bob’ thought, as it is not often a character in a story gets to meet his creator. He has a lot of questions for the king, as he must know how the story ends. Before he can ask anything though, Frankie’s shouts out at the top of his lungs.

“King Aimus! How did you manage to get into the story, wouldn’t that unmake the universe, How cool would that be. Can you hear me up there in that metal thing?”
“There is no need to shout Frank, I can hear everything you say. It may look like an old pile of junk, but I assure you the receptors on this bucket are quite sensitive.” I press a button as I speak and ‘Bob’, Bob and Frankie are all Transdimensionally phased onto the bridge of the ship.

‘Bob’ looks around the bridge. It is a large spacious area, with several bulkheads supporting the structure. A dome seemingly made of glass covers the centre part of the bridge. On the walls are numerous screens and flashing lights. There are four consoles, all manned by Martians, who sit in comfortable chairs. One of the Martians looks like he could use a booster seat, as he is rather small, even for a Martian, and his face barely reaches above the console. In the centre, on an elevated chair, sits the King, and captain of the Spacecruiser. The chair has several controls, and a screen in front.

As I notice the three adventurers, I lower my chair to bridge level, unbuckle and stand up. I walk over to the small Martian (His name is Ensign Ptu-Zot) take a look at the console and grin slightly. In a facetious but stern voice I remark “And since when do we use a triple phase inducing algorithm to transdimensionally phase something? Look what the uncertainty factor did to poor ‘Bob’”

‘Bob’ now made aware of his own piece of paper, senses something is off, as both Bob and Frankie look at him with wide-open eyes. “You’re… you’re two folds of ‘Bob’!” Frankie exclaims, as he starts to jump up and down excitedly.

“You look cool, someone ought to take a picture.” Bob’s clearly amused at the predicament ‘Bob’ finds himself in.
“No need, the camera records everything that happens on the bridge. It’s not much for privacy, but hey, at least I don’t have a discount card to worry about.“ I press a few buttons, and ‘Bob’ phases out and back into existence. “There, that should take care of that. You’re as good as new ‘Bob’”

“Thanks King, It didn’t feel right being folded like that.”

“Call me Aimus, I’m a king and all that, but everyone calls me Aimus.”

“No king, everyone is not ‘Bob’, and I will call you by your title, but now to more important matters, we are on a quest, and hope that you can help us with it.” ‘Bob’s voice is a little shaky with anticipation, as what I choose to say next, could shed a new light on their adventure.

“No Aimus, you must not tell us anything, it will unsettle the balance, and Something or someone we will not encounter until later in the story will be able to predict or every move, thus giving him an advantage we cannot fight against. It would spell doom for the entire universe.”
Frankie speaks with an ethereal voice and the entire bridge suddenly oozes with an unseen energy, causing everyone to feel minute but unnerving vibrations in the fabric of the universe. “You can take us to Alpha Centauri, but then you must no longer directly interfere with this adventure, or there might be a major fallout.” After the last word is spoken, the energy subsides, and with it the uneasy feeling goes away too. Everyone looks at Frankie, who seems unaware of what had just transpired.

“What’s up fellas? There is something on my beak isn’t there?” Frankie tries to get it off with his wings, but is unsuccessful, only managing to bite his own wing by accident.”

“No Frankie” Bob is the first to recompose himself “You just gave the king an warning not to meddle further with our adventure.”

Frankie laughs nervously, and after assuring himself he didn’t say anything of the sorts, laughs more confidently. “Nah, I would know if I said something. I have an excellent memory you know, which reminds me of the time I did something, uhm, somewhere, I ah, forgot…”

“It doesn’t matter Frankie, and it is quite alright. We’ll head the warning, won’t we king?” ‘Bob’ looks up me expectantly.

“Yes we will, I know a warning when I hear one, and this was not to be trifled with.” It is disturbing to find that these words resonated so strongly. There definitely is something big at work here. “I will take you to Alpha Centauri, and there we will part ways.”

“Sir, incoming communications sir!” It is lieutenant Aruhuh, the communications Officer, who interjects. “Code Purple with yellow stripes and a touch of pink sir!”

“Very well, patch it through to my chair” I sigh and sit back into my chair and press the elevate button, before turning my attention back to ‘Bob’, Bob and Frankie. “Sorry guys, I have to take this. It’s the paparazzi. If I don’t answer, there will be no chance at all of us getting to Alpha Centauri unnoticed. Ptu-Zot will take you to the recreation deck. This shouldn’t take long and then we’ll be on our way.”

As the screen lights up, I put a smile on my face: “Ah, what can I do for you my dear friends of the paparazzi?”
The rest of the conversation is lost on the three souls that are escorted to the recreation deck by a smaller than average Martian who introduced himself as ensign 14th class Ptu-Zot, intern for the united Martian space navy.

Two hours later the ship arrives at Alpha Centauri.

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(1)This title is an obvious reference to the CHRONICLES OF ’BOB’, the autobiography not written by ‘Bob’. It is all about the folds of ‘Bob’, which are numerous, but the fact is, that there are 2 basic ways to fold his paper. The first is to place him flat on the surface and fold him in half; the other fold is to turn him over before folding him in half. THE CHRONICLES OF ‘BOB’ were never published, simply because no publishing house dared to touch the book. The paper shifts colour depending on the nature of ‘Bob’. The original draft is even made on direct copies of ‘Bob’ made with a Martian Knives INC!TM photocopier. Some belief that part of his conscience was also copied. This idea is rubbish, and has been disproved by Charles many times over, but since Charles is colour blind, nobody believed him. All this aside though, the CHRONICLES OF ‘BOB’ are also dreadfully boring due, in part, to the writer dying before putting pen to paper, causing the pages to be quite blanc. Still, the entire 4091.5 page transcript is locked away somewhere deep inside the archives of the Martian King, who has taken it upon himself to collect all the stories of ‘Bob’. He also hopes to finally figure out how to copy a lost letter he once wrote to a beloved fellow author. It is not known who this author is, or why the King wants to make a copy of the letter, in fact, not even the contents of the letter is known, but it should suffice to mention that it is of utmost unimportance to the CHRONICLES OF ‘BOB’. It is merely a coincidence that the Martian King observed while standing near a Martian Knives INC!TM copier found in the offices of Martian Knives INC!TM Earth based secret research outpost in Montreal, Canada. It is listed in the yellow pages under SECRET OUTPOST by Martian Knives INC!TM, This listing should put off casual observers, since it omits the word Research in its entirety. The coincidence however, is no coincidence, as Bob would gladly tell you if he were not walking the universe, creating black holes. It is all the work of Bob, and as such, makes the whole thing quite difficult to understand for any casual reader of non-fiction, fiction, or any other form of literary nonsense found in the outer regions galactic arm four and a half. ‘It’s a good thing we’re not on Betelgeuse’ refers to this confusing footnote, but existed before it even came into existence, hence the time travelling Nutcracker had something to do with it. Or perhaps there was another event with the Martian Concept of Inevitable Time Shift. Whatever it was, ‘Bob’ does not know it, nor does it have any impact on the story (Or in any case, that the author is aware of at this moment.) As a result of this, readers have gained valuable insight into this story by focussing on this most fascinating piece of pointless writing for longer than they should have.

(2)The Flying Donkey with the Big *** is not the same donkey as the one featured in the tale of the MARTIAN CONSTRUCT OF INEVITABLE TIME SHIFT. They are cousins however, and when the universe permits, they like to jump dimensions, just for fun and games.

(3) How this could happen is not explained further in this footnote, “Yeah right, it’s a mistake by the author!” As Bob from O’ Shady’s remarks.

(4) The local supermarket is at Alpha Centauri, conveniently located just 4.365 light years away.

(5) Small yellow spots are rather dangerous, since they will make ‘Bob’ an evil anti-hero. It has never happened before in the universe, but there is a persistent legend emanating from the multiverse that details a catastrophic event in pocket universe Seven B/8 section 4. A duplicate ‘Bob’ sprouted yellow dots and unmade the fabric of space-time, causing a rupture that spread to other universes in the multiverse.

(6) Bob is right in thinking it is bigger than a Car. The spaceship is 1001 meter stern to stern, and at midship 400 meters wide. Bob merely refers to a car since it is the biggest piece of machinery that he had previously laid eyes on. This is merely due to him having the annoying tendency to close his beady eyes whenever machinery is near.