Life

My Mother is driving me insane. Currently Chiru is over, Sunny is Sick, and I am stressed and exhausted. And while I bear everything with a smile-- taking care of Sunny, being Nicki's hostess-- I cannot bear my mother. I can't help but talk back to her, too, and I just get in more trouble.
We have the Regionals Latin Competition coming up in a week from tomorrow, and I am past my limits, out of resources and running out of time. I've gotten only about two hours of sleep every night this week, either because of my unfathomable homework load, or nightmares that bar sleep from my grasp, but that I naught can remember in the morning.
Then there's Mom. It started off really simple; her telling me to clean the coffee pot, but it's built for over a week. Remember to do this, do that, do the other, do them at the same time. GAH!!!
So I voiced it this afternoon.
Mom: I just asked you to do the coffee pot. Get up and clean it.
Amber: Not now. I just started eating snack. (I usually jump and run at her word)
Mom: You need to clean the coffee pot from now on, once a week.
Amber: Thank you, so much. As if I don't have enough on my plate to deal with already, without you heaping extra on me.
Mom: Excuse you? I don't like your additude.
Amber: I don't understand yours. You expect compassion and understanding from other people, yat you would not grant it yourself. Did it escape you that Regionals is in a week and I just told you that I had a horrible day? Others grant you compassion. I understand that you have a lot to deal with. I help you out, too. And all I ask is that you not give me so much extra when I already have extra to do.
Mom: It's only a coffee pot
Amber: Yes, and all the other stuff you've thrown in my face the past week.
Mom: (as if I had never spoken) Did you feed the birds, yesterday? Did you clean the toilet?
Amber: Precisely it. You downplay others emotions and insert your own worries where those of others belong.
Mom: Did you?
Amber: No ma'am
Mom: If the birds die, its not on my head
Amber: (She really hit a sore spot) The birds? The birds? You mean Pearl, whom you brought home against everyone else's better judgement? About whom you promised me would be your "baby" and "constant companion"? Pearl, whom you've ignored for the past three months until she's so skittish she'll no longer brave the world outside of her cage, and-- if you try to take her out-- will peck you to death in fear of her life? If this is fairness then I'll bow out now, thank you.
[Exuent, Amber]
P.S. My mommy is Bipolar. She's been nagging me so much lately, reminding me of this and that, telling me to simply "do as she asks." She speaks but never listens. She goes through long explanations, but never listens to even my short ones-- "Too much information" she says. "I'm tired of reminding you of all this stuff, you should be a big girl." Whay? She wishes me to be more mature? Ha! Were I more mature, I would have to be whorshipped for it. I am already old before I was young. I'm the only one who can manage her when she's manic, and I fear she's getting that way. I'm the only one in the family who will stick by her side, and fight the monster inside of her. And it overwhelms me. Even when she's depressed, I'm the one who's there, coaxing her out of bed, out of her P.J.s. "I need help with my math, Mom" or "Would you go for a walk with me? It's so nice outside, but I don't want to walk alone." I give her a purpose. But she never sees anything I do. I should never have to be her mother, run her house, take care of her daugter, cook her meals, babysit her, but I do. I'm her own personal floormat, and I never get the slightest thanks for it. That-- a simple thank you-- would make all the difference.
But that's never gonna happen. She's so self-absorbed that she can't see outside of herself to know what she does. She doesn't know who's lifting her up, because all she can see is herself, flying.
And it's so UNFAIR!!!!!
And then guess what? The modem on my computer is dead. My computer has been the only thing I can rely on for the past month and it just DIED