NOT FOR THE FAINT-HEARTED: Tales of Crazy Possession and Lethal Obsession

I realized just this morning that I’ve been wasting so much of my time.

Worst of all, I am not even taking any action. By now, I ought to be alarmed. What good will procrastinating and doing practically useless things do me? I cannot afford to maintain the habit of putting off for tomorrow what I can do today even though tens of thousands of tomorrows await me. These will pass; and before I know it, I am shocked to whatever remains of me that I have not been able to do anything at all in my whole life. And for me, doing nothing at all and not exerting any single effort to make one’s presence be felt across the world is a waste of God-given breath, a terrible failure and yet another padlock on the gates of heaven.

I was not born ordinary. My childhood was, in reality, a spectacular one. I understood things far better than any child my age would. God probably had intentions for me upon deciding to make me that way, though I never realized that before.

I started school at age six, frustrated about having to start from the very beginning (learning how to count, add and subtract while I already knew some algebra) and having to use a different language in communicating with other kids who were interested only in forming clay animals, drawing on magic slates and playing with dolls. I didn’t understand them; neither did they understand me any better. I looked different from everyone else, being naturally fair-skinned and one of the few brown-haired people around, and acted pretty much different too. I showed no interest in things a typical six-year-old would enjoy. English was the only language with which I could talk straight; whenever I used our national language I would often get laughed at, for I kept mixing the words up and spelled the wrong way. I ended up becoming a bossy, disagreeable team member and a troublemaker in class. At first I felt left out. Then I felt hated. All in all, I felt terrible. It was then that I made my decision. I gave up my blessed life in exchange for an ordinary one, thinking that other kids wouldn’t accept me, that I was treated by the entire school community as a “curiosity” and not as a student who had gone there to study and not to be raved over by so-called “fans.” I remember even going as far as saying that “the real me” was my sister, as for some reason I was ashamed of having appeared in a TV commercial that compared little me to the prodigies in world history such as Da Vinci and Mozart.

Now, more or less one decade since the prime of my childhood life, I totally regret having spent eight years rejecting my true individuality and trying to be someone else who wasn’t me for the sake of blending in, not realizing that I would suffer from its consequences in later years. Today, I have scorched myself with the fire I myself have created, and I often end up questioning myself: what will I be doing for the rest of my life?

There are only two things I want to accomplish in my lifetime (should God ever decide to terminate it—yet I am still confident enough that He will bless me with long life provided I be good)—two coexistent aspirations: to live a meaningful life—“to live life to the fullest,” as the old cliché goes—and to make a difference in the world. To live a meaningful life (and yeah, live life to fullest), I must live up to who I really am, to who I was meant to be, and most importantly, to who I can be. There are no limitations to the latter. One can be the giant he wishes to be if he works his hardest to grow. And that is exactly what I plan to do. I want to be remembered by the world. For what? So far, I have no idea. Yet that is what I want to know. And I’m going to do something to achieve this.

My goal for this year is to be more productive, and even though I show no signs of achieving it (I’m not even close—why, I haven’t even started!), I’m going to at least try. And this time, I’ll make sure that my attempts amount to something, otherwise I can almost assure myself that I will never amount to anything in my entire lifetime, which is a total waste of what I really am. For this reason I am going to stop making promises; instead, I will start fulfilling those I had made long ago. I can ascertain that doing so will make a difference not only in the life I am living right now but also in the life I will be living soon—a huge difference, indeed, and a change for the good.

I will start encoding my new blog in the summer. For the mean time, I am going to stop causing a shock to the litnet community by bringing up newfangled ideas that are likely to be thought of as rubbish, as I am still not ready lest there be an uprising and threats to my stay in this wonderful place. Should that happen, I do not wish to flee. I’d hate to be disowned by my litnet family. I believe I started out well in litnet this year; and I want to maintain my positive standings, even though I may have messed it up a little by talking about politics in the blog section and trying to advocate something impossible and unwanted, also regarding blogs. On the bright side, I guess I’ve figured out the best thing to do: stop awhile and do something on my own rather than force others to do something for me. Right now I am scouting for a new blog hosting site where I can alter the skin of my page (thought I don’t even know how—but I suppose I can manage) and upload the “important” stuff such as videos—and lotsa great pics! I’m thinking I might pursue my blog in LiveJournal, or perhaps I’ll switch to Blogger, but these two sites have their own limitations too. I like the commenting system in LJ, yet the advanced customization feature isn’t that good, at least not as good as that of Blogger; yet the profiles on Blogger lack necessary depth and detail and the commenting system is one of the worst I’d ever encountered. I’m also considering Friendster as an alternative, yet Friendster isn’t as accessible as either of the two sites mentioned above (most schools—particularly ours—and internet cafes near the school zone have it blocked), and most especially litnet, the most accessible site among all I ever dare to access in school, being educational and all. For this particular reason, I have decided that even though my plans to blog outside of litnet are final and will certainly push through, I will not close down my blog here; instead, I will continue to import entries from my other blog through RSS and even make sole contributions to this blog, for litnet will always come first in my heart.

With this blog entry I put an end to procrastinating and dawdling on weekends, and open my eyes to the world and most especially to the niche I am fulfilling. This is who I am now, but in the future I am going to be great. I understand that I am no longer a child; hence the challenge will be much harder. Yet I will do my best to survive it. With great dreams comes great responsibility. And that includes not only passing, but toppling former records, in Math.

Two hours have passed since I started writing this entry. I could’ve done it faster, yet I chose to write on as time passed by, checking on my cell phone every now and then. Should I call this time wasted? Do my efforts end up futile?

You prove that this time.