Barmy Blue's Bland Blog

Major dilemma here. I’ve been sending a couple of Christmas emails, merry Christmas and a happy new year, and as I’d sent one to his mum it seemed rude not to send Tom one. In his I said I was still bogged down with work so he wouldn’t bug me. He said merry Christmas back and then asked if I was going home. I was wary here. If he still thinks I’m going to waste my time and creativeness (which ebbs and flows) on making up stupid stories where this character of his ends up shagging that busty cat woman he’s sorely mistaken. Eventually I put yes, but not for long, so he wouldn’t bug me further. A lovely can of worms a courteous Christmas email has opened because now he’s asking if he can see me. Things “didn't go according to plan, relationship wise. So, no-one's going to object to me seeing you or any other girl, for that matter.” As if that’s ever concerned me. So, what should I do I find myself asking…myself, and you I guess .

On one hand I still hate the memory of him, not much anymore, but there’s still a little hate there. It’s useful if I want to put on a determined ‘don’t try and mug me face’. And I can just picture what we’ll have to say. He’ll go on about stuff I’m not interested in and I’ll go on about stuff he’s not interested in. He’ll expect me to be the same and I won’t, whereas I’m not sure what I’d expect of him. I don’t want him coming here, mum doesn’t know about this, I’ll only tell her if he decides he’ll just show up anyway. She started to hate him in the end. The way he acted, the things he said and did wound her up but at least she could leave the room without a hitch, as my guest, even though he wasn’t always so welcome, I was pretty much stuck with him. I felt so free after cutting him out. But what can I say, ‘Sorry, no can do. Sorry it didn’t work out and all, like I’d predicted, and you wouldn’t see sense, but I hate you and the very thought of seeing you again makes me feel ill’?

But on the other hand he was my best friend, the only one I had. It’ll take a long time for me to trust someone as much as I trusted him. And if he hasn’t got any friends to turn to and he’s going through a bad time then shouldn’t I be supportive of him still?

But who’s to say he’s going through a bad time? I don’t know when things went wrong. Perhaps it’s not so bad as I first thought.

But what if it is? What if it is a recent break up? What do I do then?

And even then, who’s to say he hasn’t made new friends to talk to about it? He was always better at it than me.

I just don’t know. If I let him back in then all of that effort to cut him out will have been for nothing.
Or maybe he’ll turn out to still be the same and invoke the near dormant hatred I have for him.

But if I leave him then how would that make him feel? Does he even realise that I’ve cut him out? Does he think we’re still friends? I don’t see how he can after the way we ended up acting towards each other.

I won’t be here for very long, maybe about a week. So what should I do? I just don’t know.