Barmy Blue's Bland Blog

I feel different. It’s hard to explain. It’s about 2:35am and I’ve just realised that I feel different, inside. I don’t know why. I still feel like me but I feel that something’s changing about me. I still look the same but I just feel different all of a sudden. I wonder if I’m acting differently. I know I’ve been swearing more openly since watching three of the five Bottom Live performances. But that’s not it. Could it be that I’m finally growing up mentally? Is this because of Uni? A bit of independence? I just don’t feel the same as I did before, I’m not sure when. I know one thing though, I’m not the same Blue who sat in the common room whining about school. But I’m not about to go out and get a job either. And, if I finally am growing up, then could cutting Tom out have played a part in it. I feel now that he was holding me down, even though neither of us realised it at the time. I wonder if I was holding him down too. He always seemed more independent than me; he had a proper bank account, he got a few jobs over time, he happily went to the shops and did the weekly shopping, he spoke to people and he was dead set on the direction he wanted to go; college, gap year to earn money for Uni, go to a good Uni. that was some way away and take it from there. While I; only had a savings account that my parents opened when I was a baby (that I couldn’t withdraw from), (besides work experience) the only jobs I had were for a short period of time that my parents arranged for me (either working in the office below mum or helping dad paint a house), I was always asleep when mum went shopping, I spent a whole year only speaking to people when I had to (Which resulted, I think, in me forgetting how to pronounce certain words properly and stumbling over them so I had to train myself to say them properly again, like squirrel), I decided I wanted to be a writer; figured I’d stay at school because I was scared of college, try and get into Uni (didn’t know which one) straight away and take it from there. Then a little later on (in year 12, or 13, can’t remember) I was dragged to a thing where lots of universities had tables and advertised themselves. Then I discovered that they taught creative writing and became really interested, picked up a few booklets just to have something to show for the experience and started the really consider university. While Tom was already in college, meeting new (and some rather strange) people and driving ever closer to his goals. Then, suddenly, at some point it flipped. I was suddenly applying to universities and Tom had suddenly dropped out of college. Our original priorities changed. I became more focussed and I don’t know what he became, it would be rude and petty to call him a dropout, he became focussed on a new goal would be a better term, though it seemed unrealistic to me. And now here I am. First term at Uni. Done, living in halls, going shopping with mum every week because I can’t trust her to know what I need, I have a bank account, a proper bank account, I have a provisional licence (for identity purposes, I don’t intend on learning to drive yet) and I’ve had an interview for my passport and it’s due in a week or so (my first one ) (not that I’m planning gone leaving a country outside of the UK’s influence (Jersey’s the furthest to date.)) I guess I really am growing up.
There’s other stuff too, lots of it but I’m too tired now.

Bluebiird out.