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Om

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Seven days and nights now we've been fleeing through this jungle, the beast's shrill cries growing louder and closer at night. We are all on edge; and some have fled, and some are dead, and there are six of us let together. The other men are bone tired and nearing psychotic or nervous breakdowns. The conditions make it as oppressive as if in a tunnel mine. There is no place to go; they had taken their best guess as direction and traveled straight, but found no end to the jungle; mountains and hills, streams in valleys and curious vegetation. The sun beat upon the jungle during the day while it grew cold and wet under the moon and stars at night. It would have been gorgeous had we not been in a state of terror and at danger to our lives.

We were on a mission to uncover a treasured artifact, when we awoke by mistake an ancient beast, tied to the artifact by magic or inscription. It was a fearsome goblin-hound, which we saw tear apart a man before our eyes back at the temple where we took the artifact. We have run since, and we have caught glimpses of it across a ravine, at night or in the morning.

We came to the top of a hill. There is a river that goes down to our right and a lake in front of us. To the left is a wide valley that stretches for several miles. Beyond it are more mountains.
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Comments

  1. B-Mental's Avatar
    Nik, it is a start...I would challenge you to not get ahead of yourself, and flesh out the first paragraph and then continue from there and see where it leads you...just a thought.
  2. Shurtugal's Avatar
    i like... you were wrong, it was good! lol!
  3. kiz_paws's Avatar
    I am interested to see where this goes, Nik! I noted that you start off with longer sentences, but then at the end, you have very short, almost staccato phrases. I suppose that it is not fair to say this so early in your story, but anyhow, I noticed that. I am very curious about this goblin-beast! Cheers, Nik
  4. NikolaiI's Avatar
    Thanks you 3...if I continue I'll post on Lit-net!
  5. crazefest456's Avatar
    I think the abrupt shortening of sentences bleeds of symbolism here...I sort of like it that way:
    We came to the top of a hill. There is a river that goes down to our right and a lake in front of us. To the left is a wide valley that stretches for several miles. Beyond it are more mountains.
  6. NikolaiI's Avatar
    bleeds as in makes it worse?
  7. crazefest456's Avatar
    bleeds as in really makes it prominent--which is awesome! I thought of a Zarathustra-esque man with a staff, coming to a clearing and then watching all these things from up above.
  8. NikolaiI's Avatar
    Haha! Well, thank you, then! By the way, I thought that you posted 6 times, if so, then I'm not answering one of them since the recent comments only goes back 5...do you have any idea of how to get to the 6th comment, or do you remember which one it was?