The Nation of the Glorious Turnip

THE ADVENTURES OF ‘BOB’ THE PIECE OF PAPER AND HIS SIDEKICK BOB, THE TWIG.

THE PART 299 AND A BIT
Like all adventures, so do the adventures of ‘Bob’ the piece of paper start on an ordinary day, just like any other, or is it?

‘Bob’ is lying in the garden, enjoying the gaze of the sun on his brisk white, smoothly naked surface. Bob, as usual, is trying to attach his ending to the nearest tree for some nourishment.

“You know ‘Bob’, this tree, I think she likes me!’ Bob the Twig, anxiously trying to find a hole in the giant oak, uses his beady eyes to probe the bark, looking for a weak spot, which he readily finds. He puts his end in, and drinks of the juices, ‘Aaah, she’s refreshingly sweet, now I’m sure she likes me.’

“You oaf, trees don’t have feelings, there just there to provide shade, leave it alone. Now impale me so I don’t float away on the wind.” This commanding behaviour that ‘Bob’ has is quite a departure from the last time he was in an adventure, but this is not explained, due to a general disagreement between the mechanical writer that creates stories in an episodic format for the reader that enjoys cliffhangers who thought it was a good cliff hanger, and the author of this story, who wanted to write an elaborate explanation for this. In the end, it can be observed that the Universe intervened and told both to get on with the story already!

This bickering goes on for a while, as ‘Bob’ and Bob the Twig try to figure out what is more important, to float on the wind, or to be impaled in this tranquil garden just of the interstate, with cars rushing by, smog polluting the air, and a sickly old oak, which moans every time the wind goes faster than a mere gentle breeze.

“’BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOB’!” A horrifying scream pierces the tranquil noise of the interstate, as a bird, strongly resembling a hawk comes down like a hawk going for its prey, fast and deadly, and he is heading straight for Bob…

‘Bob’, seemingly unmoved by this approaching bird, comments: “Oh great, if it isn’t Frankie two wings, I wonder what he has to say this time.” As the bird gets close though, ‘Bob’s unmoving demeanour is disturbed by the winds of the wings, as Frank two wings desperately tries to avoid an impact, clasping his wings loud and fast. ‘Bob’ is smacked into the oak, just as Bob the Twig removes his end from the tree.

“’Bob’!” Frank is excited, “you’re not going to believe this, but you’ve been summoned by Charles.”
“Charles who?” ‘Bob’, helped by Bob the Twig, manages to get down from the oak, and now lies flat on the green, smelly grass.
“Charles the troglobite, who else is called Charles, it’s not a common name you know!” Frank two wings gloats, as if he just revealed something of great importance, and his broad smile is only obscured by the fact that he has no mouth but a beak.
The things is though, it is interesting for ‘Bob’, he had heard of Charles and his prophecies, but why would he summon him? It’s not like ‘Bob’ was anything but an ordinary piece of paper that just happened to be sentient and a genuine superhero.

“’Bob’, I tell you, this is much better than any villain trying to dominate the cows of the pasture.” Bob the Twig is bouncing, and if he had a mouth, it would scream louder than a thousand humans cheering at a rock concert. It is therefore, a good thing that he has no mouth to scream with, but only the resonating resonators under his little bark-like skin that produce a sound similar to speech. “I think this might even surpass the adventure with the time travelling nutcracker, you know, the adventure that never happened because the nutcracker won, and reverted time back to how it was before he came into existence!“ Bob the twig, being a twig, only has his eyes, which are quite beady, to show emotion, but those eyes are opened wide, filled with excitement, not unlike those of Frank, who is so high on the smog that he gets excited when a caterpillar winks at him. “He winked at me! Did you see that?” He winked at me!” Frank’s befuzzled brain however, cannot comprehend his own wings, and as he tries to fly over to the caterpillar, falls over his own feet, onto his beak, bringing him rapidly back to his senses.

“Now that we are all back to our own reality again, I would like to recommend you take us to Charles, Frank, because I would like to hear what he says.” ‘Bob’ had thought it over, he was going to listen to Charles, and maybe find out what happened to Bob himself, because ever after that prophecy came true, ‘Bob’ felt a little uneasy on this distant Earth.
“Now that is a swell idea, let’s go Frank, I’m coming in” Bob the Twig, temporarily transformed from grouchy wise cracking tough guy to happy comedic sidekick, manages to do a quite unfunny jump onto Frank’s back, almost impaling the poor hawk. ‘Bob’ also climbs on top of the bird, and as Frank takes of towards the filthy, polluted sky, the mechanical writer that creates stories in an episodic format for the reader that enjoys cliffhangers again intervenes, but this time the Universe is not so forgiving, and pulls the plug out of the annoying thing.

“Geez, thanks Universe, we were getting a bit tired of that whole cliché.” Frank shouts it out towards the sky. ‘Bob’ and Bob, unaware of the Universe at this moment, give each other the look, and then say in unison: “Yeah, thanks man, appreciate it.”

After a few hours of boring flight, with only a few near misses with airplane engines, Frank gets the team to the cavern of Charles, deep inside the mountains of some sort of damp rainforest, on the other side of the planet. If you are wondering how the little bird did it, I will let you in on a little secret. He’s actually The Universe, disguised as Frankie Two Wings, and he is there to have some fun of his own for a change.

“Land this thing ‘Bob’, take her in” Bob is excited, as he has never flown before, beyond the countless of times that he flew without being aware of what flying actually was.
“I’m a he!” And Frankie, a little offended, starts his decent onto the mountain by folding his wings around his body, streamlining himself for maximum effect. The decent is fast and with near terminal velocity he’s fast approaching the ground. ‘Mayday, mayday, we’re going down!’ Bob eyes are wide open, his twig shivering with fright, and he barely gets the words out due to the air-resistance interfering with his resonators. Regardless, he manages to hold on. ‘Bob’ is not so fortunate, and at about halfway down, the wind catches him, blows him of the back of Frankie. He floats for a while, before plummeting to the ground at a quite safe speed, being a sheet of paper. But ‘Bob’ isn’t an ordinary piece of paper, and since the wind will take him in the wrong direction, away from the cave, he transforms himself into a paper plane. “Geronimo!” ‘Bob’ excited outcry thunders across the mountain, and as if the mountains want to encourage him, they to shout “Geronimo!” It is a common misconception that this effect, which is often observed in mountainous areas, is an echo. It is not, it is simply the mountains repeating whatever they hear said. They are worse than parrots in this regard, since at least putting a blanket over the cage can silence parrots.

Shortly after ‘Bob’ arrives at the entrance to the cavern, both Bob and Frank greet him with an over abundance of enthusiasm.

“Oh, ‘Bob’ great, it’s you, we thought we lost you” Bob mumbles under his breath, all the while chewing on a piece of grass. He winks at the nearest tree: “Hey there beautiful, I’ve never seen a palm tree like you before, want to share fluids?“

Frankie is not quite as enthusiastic though, and when he sees ‘Bob’, he runs towards him, grabs him with his wings, shakes him around and shouts: “Thank Bob you made it, I was afraid I lost you there in my decent, you have no idea how I felt when I noticed you were gone, I could kill myself, if I knew how, but now I don’t have to, since you are alright, but I promise I’ll never, ever, not even once will do a decent like that again when you’re on my back, hitching a ride.”
“Hihi, Hitching a ride.” An amused mountain parrots the hawk.
“Great Frankie, now get off of me, you’re making my sheet look all muddy.” ‘Bob’ remarks, as always quite coolly, due to his pale complexion on which the sunrays bounce of like rats bounce of jelly jars with a tight lid. “Let’s go into the cavern instead, Bob! Let’s go.”
Bob reluctantly says goodbye to the shell-shocked tree, and join Frankie and ‘Bob’ on their decent into the prophet’s lair.

“Geez Biggy P, Wha did da twig wanna do with ya?” The tree next to the palm tree asks, all the while listening to his internal hip-hop station, courtesy of the Urban Ants Squad.
“Man, I’ll be telling you moth treehopper, Da thing musta think I was a ***** or what, you know treega, they always have to compensate for them small size. They donnay have roots like we do you know.”
“Word!” (1)

We must leave these trees alone however, since this adventure series is not called BIGGY P’S EXTRAVAGANT BONANZA OF HIPHOP MADNESS FEATURING THE URBAN ANTS SQUAD.

The team of ‘Bob’, Bob, and Frank, meanwhile have entered the cavern, and, as Frank remarks, it does indeed resemble a large hole inside the mountain. It’s not just that though. The entrance was obscured by the growth that is common in a jungle, trees, bushes, shrubberies, all of it, but once inside, the threesome stood in awe, because what they saw really awed them quite unlike anything awed them before. The entrance opened up to a large hall, the walls smoothed out over time by water running down the sides. A surreal, pale blue light emanates from atop a pedestal in the centre of the hall. It casts eerie, moving shadows on the walls. The pedestal is surrounded by three pillars, which seem to support the massive, in darkness-drowned roof of the cavern. But the most amazing thing of it all is the silence. There are no sounds, nothing, safe for the hesitant muffled footsteps of Frank, the crinkling sound of ‘Bob’ moving confidently across the hall, and the damp tapping of Bob’s end on the surface of this distinctly magical place.

“Hey, look, there’s three plates on the pedestal, what do you recon that means?” Bob is the first to notice the curious attributes atop the pedestal, but he is rather oblivious to the fact that the others keep their distance somewhat.
“Where does the light come from?” ‘Bob’, his confidence somewhat stifled by the unnerving silence, seems to have kept his wits about him, carefully letting his eyes prowl the surroundings, looking for traps. “Do not move Bob, you are standing on something that does not belong here.” ‘Bob’ abruptly utters the warning, and Bob responds in kind, freezing on the spot. “Stay still, we’ll get you out, Frank, find a stick or something.” … “Frank??”
“I’m over here!” Frank loud whisper reveals his position, cowering behind one of the pillars. “I just uhm, wanted to inspect this here pillar you know… heheh, yeah that’s it.” Bob and ‘Bob’ again share that look, and ‘Bob’, now more confidant comments: “And the pillar, is it free of traps Frankie, did you check to make sure?”
“Eh!?!?!?” Frank turns a little pale, or he would have, if he had not been a bird closely resembling a hawk.
Just as ‘Bob’ and Bob burst out in laughter, Frank lets go of the pillar, and disappears into thin air.
“Frankie!” Bob shout of surprise and anguish is heart wrenching and his whole twig jumps several feet into the air, he himself disappearing before he falls back down onto the ground, leaving ‘Bob’ alone in the cavern.

Several hours later, ‘Bob’ still searches for a way to get his friends back, but there have been no avail. He tried touching the pillars, like Frank; step onto all the foreign objects, but to no avail. The last thing he could try is to climb on top of the pedestal, and step into the light. ‘Bob’ is not a coward, but the eerie light awakes in him a feeling of utter dread. The feeling that something terrible is going to happen, and is going to happen soon.
“But I have little choice, if I don’t do it, I’ll never see my friends again.” And with those words, ‘Bob’ steps into the light.

“Welcome ‘Bob’, I have been expecting you. Be assured your friends are safe and waiting for you in the next room.” The spider like creature in front of him, no bigger than a few fibers of paper, is translucent, with no discernable eyes, and yet ‘Bob’ has the feeling he sees a lot more than his appearance suggests.
“You’re Charles!” ‘Bob’ could not suppress the surprised exclamation, he feels a little ashamed at the outburst of recognition, as if he could doubt that this troglobite could be anyone but Charles.
“Yes, I am Charles, and I must apologize for the events that led you here. The cavern is a test, and only those that pass it can set foot in my domain, deep inside the mountain.” The warm words help calm ‘Bob’, who by now was totally cool and relaxed, a strange thing for him to be. “As I said, you’re friends are quite alright, they transported here the same time you stepped into the portal.” ‘Charles, seemingly without moving, disappears from sight for a few seconds, before reappearing. “They will be here shortly.”


It did not take long for the Sidekick, the bird, and the piece of paper to reunite. They share their adventures, and as it turns out, Bob found an ancient tree right inside the mountain. “You should have seen it ‘Bob’, she was beautiful, and the greatest tree I have ever seen. I think I am in love.” His eyes turn dreamy, but Frankie hits him over the head with his wing.
“Hey now, we are not here to talk about your love life. We are here to speak with the prophet. He summoned ‘Bob’ remember?” Frankie seemingly lost his fear, and is now again the exited bird we have learned to love, or hate, depending on your disposition towards bird in general and Frankie in particular. It is also possible you are ambivalent towards the character, which, with such a poorly written character is not entirely unlikely, but regardless of what the writer has to say on the matter, the story continues.

“That you did Frank” ‘Bob’ signals both others to be quiet, as he addresses Charles: “Prophet, answer me this: Why is it you called for me to come to this remote part of the world?” ‘Bob’ question holds together the silence for a few minutes, and, thinking the troglobite did not hear him (2), he’s about to ask again but then Charles starts to speak: “I did summon you, oh mighty ‘Bob’ for in my vision, you are the part 299 and a bit, not quite the chosen one, but the closest thing my vision has to the real chosen one, who apparently has a discount card, obfuscating him from my visions.” Charles now pauses for dramatic effect before he will proceed with his revelation of the future. “You are the only one that can save us ‘Bob’, you must safe us from…”

TO BE CONTINUED!

What the…! Who the hell plugged the mechanical writer that creates stories in an episodic format for the reader that enjoys cliffhangers back into the galactic reference network?

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(1) Bob from O’ Shady’s would like to apologize for this use of stereotyped and poorly written hip-hop language. The writer clearly has no clue how to write, and a qualified squad of analytical processors of language will start an investigation soon.
(2) It is not strange for ‘Bob’ to think that Charles did not hear him. It is universally known that Charles has no ears, and cannot process sound. The only way for him to know what people say to him is by seeing it in a vision. This has caused Charles many great troubles when he did his groceries, since often the cashier would ask him if he has a discount card, and Charles could not foresee this question, due to the nature of the discount card, which is an illusion outside of his own. For Charles, the discount card simply does not exist, and as such, holds no place in his visions. The result of all this was that Charles always had to pay the full price for all his groceries. This of course was before it became possible to order groceries online.