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andave's place

second twenty-five minute essay

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by
andave_ya
, 12-08-2007 at 10:52 PM (1576 Views)
Here's the one I did today. Trying to keep in mind what Virgil, Countess, and mtpspur suggested (thank you very much, you three!) I worked on lengthening it and trying to make my stance clearer. I don't think I succeeded in the areas Countess suggested but I'm pleased with the progress I made today. I'll be writing more of these next week and I plan on working harder on your suggestions.


Prompt
At a recent conference on global issues, several panels debated possible solutions to problems facing the world today. There was no consensus on the solutions or even on the nature of the problems. Some considered nuclear proliferation to be the most serious issue. Others concentrated on global warming, whereas some put forth world poverty as the most serious issue.

Assignment: What in your opinion is the most serious problem facing the world today? Plan and write an essay that develops your ideas logically. Support your opinion with specific evidence taken from your personal experience, your observations of others, or your reading.
Though there are many issues today that can be classified as the most serious problem facing the world, the most alarming, especially among this generation of teenagers, is a lack of interest and understanding of classical fine arts – literature, music, paintings. For that statement most people would denounce me as a full-fledged idealist who has no idea of the real world. It’s true that I have never known want, but as my circle of friends and my knowledge of the world widens, I can see a struggle in today’s youth for something higher that the mundane, horrendous, or even everyday aspects of life such as food, war, or going to the bank. Recently I got interested in rap music, though I never listen to it and thought of it only as crude stuff with no meaning. My research of lyrics showed my misconceptions. People feel stirrings of some unremembered emotion in them but they do not know how to give voice to their feelings, unlike those steeped in knowledge of find art. If the world, if America in particular, would revive its interest in the fine arts, how would the future change? If individuals have a fundamental knowledge of art, and are able to give free rein to their creativity, what might we accomplish? Although these things are relegated to the realms of geeks and nerds, fine arts are a catalyst that will result in finer, brighter minds and happy, creative people. Food and drink are important, yes, but learning to express the inexpressible will lead to a far brighter future for the entire world.

**************
That's it, word for word. As I was typing it up for here I spotted several things that I could have polished but as the twenty-five minute limit had passed, I decided not too.

If it's not asking too much, do you think that my essay was too ridiculous/frivolous/trivial an answer? I honestly believe what I wrote but frankly (despicably) I just need to write something that'll get me a good grade.

Thank you very very much. You have no idea how much of a relief it is to get your criticism on these essays.
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Comments

  1. BulletproofDork's Avatar
    Yah! Very good. . . . HA! I just realized that I'm your 280th comment.
  2. mtpspur's Avatar
    When I first read your essay the thought occured to me that you sidestepped the question. I was guilty of putting too much emphasis on the word 'alarming' in place of 'serious' but a second reading cleared the cobwebs a bit.

    I believe you got all the parts of the question in--identifying the problem, using you insights to clarify it as what it is now and what adressing it could be. Might be wise to project some expected results of the solution in work in support for the fine arts.

    So get to poliishing.

    Personally I find the lack of commitment to anything beyond immediate gratification and lack of concern for others to be the serious problems in this generation. The Me First mentality has gradually lost its repugnace and is becoming socially acceptable. This can't be good.
  3. Virgil's Avatar
    I don't know. Do you ever say why it's so alarming? I think it is a valid answer, but unlike Rich it seems to me you never do answer it, at least not fully. I'm not sure how these 25 minute essays are supposed to be structured. It doesn't seem you have enough time to write more than just two paragraphs or three short ones at most. So i think one can only state the thesis succinctly, draw out the argument quickly, and then wrap it up with a concluding statement.
  4. Countess's Avatar
    Andave, forget what that stupid book told you (you know, the one that says to restate the question, then answer it, etc). Drill down to the essence of your argument. Allow yourself the luxury of a few moments to nail your answer in your thesis statement: "For teenagers, the most serious problem in the world is a lack of interest etc in the classical arts." Now your topic sentences: "Teenagers are striving for something above the mundane that isn't answered through other means/fields, etc." Now, add concrete examples from media, etc. "Teenagers are unable to communicate these feelings of despair because they lack the communication skills found exclusively in the arts". Now is the time to mention rap. Final topic sentence: "The arts offer vocabulary and other mediums for communication that will allow teenager to express their emotions, etc". Conclusion: Add what you imagine to be the results if this problem was solved. With only 25 minutes, you want to hit them, hit them hard with everything you have, and leave them breathless with your conclusion. There's no time to "weave the argument" like my 15 page essay. Just lay it out with 3 major points, concrete examples, a conclusion and you're done.
    PS: I don't know if this remains the rule, but if I used the personal "I" in an essay, I'd get a ruler slapped across my knuckles. Why do you think Oscar Wilde and I (not to equate us - he is unequivocably my superior) say "When one goes to the store, one drives a car"? Because we've had the "I" beaten out of us! LOL!
    You're doing well Andave. You really are. I'm just trying to get you to hit the bullseye, because I know *you can*. If I didn't think you could, I would say "good job", make a few points and call it a day. I've done that with many people - more often than not.