Rubaiyats of Lote-Tree

It still hurts
This pain that I hide,
This pain that no one understands,
This pain that no one will
Ever understand.
And it still makes me anxious
When She is not there
And when She is away
My heart sinks like lead
Dropped in a lake.
And when I do not hear
Her voice in the room,
I feel the gloom,
Or when I can no longer see Her face,
My heart aches with a dull pain,
The pain that does not go away until
I see Her again…

I still speak to those that speak to me
But my heart is now always elsewhere,
Walking alone on some lonely beach,
Feeling so sad,
Feeling so low
Like the departing tide…

I still go on with my life as before
But I still observe as before
The brightness in Her eyes,
The radiant smiles on Her face,
And Her hair and the colour
Of Her lips,
And the way She walks,
And the way She sits,
And the way She speaks,
…And the pain throbs
In my heart...

If only I could close my heart
And deprive it of all feelings,
If only I could shut my soul
And deprive it of all affections,
And become like a tree
Without any emotions,
Then I could go on living
Without Her in my life,
Then I would not suffer this
Unending pain in my heart...

I still go on with my life as before
And I still listen as before
The melodies of Her voice
And the words from Hers lips
Still echoes in the silences of my soul
…And the pain throbs
In my heart...

If only I could erase the memory
And think no more of Her smile,
If only I could avoid Her glance
And think no more of Her touch,
Then I could live,
Then I could give
To the still moments
Before the lips meet
And give so fully
And submit so willingly to Her embrace
But without Her I am so aimless,
Without Her I remain so nameless,
Without Her,
I feel I am nothing inside...

I still live my life as before,
I still go on with my life as before
But my mind is now always elsewhere,
Wandering alone in some deserted beach,
Feeling so sad…
Feeling so low
Like the departing tide.

And I go on eating as before,
Nourishing the body,
But the soul,
Yes, the soul,
The spirit of my life
Has dimmed so much,
Lost all its desire to live,
To give,
To believe,
To have faith
That someday She might turn my way,
That someday She might come my way...

How wonderful was that moment of meeting!
With Her eyes so bright,
With Her eyes so right,
How joyful was that First Encounter!
Her smiles were like the summer rain,
Her smiles were like the monsoon rain,
How happy was that moment of awakening,
How joyful was that day of reckoning...

I close my eyes but I still see
In my mind Her radiant face,
I clear my mind but I still feel
Her soft touch against my skin,
I numb my body but I still hear
The sound of Her voice in my ear,
I drown my heart with Anger,
Hate and Loathing
So that I can suppress the longing
But my soul still yearns,
So hopelessly yearns,
For Her love,
The Love that She will not give,
The love that She can't give...

And yet I still engage in little chit-chat
And still sometimes laugh and smile
But now my voice is always choked with tears,
Now my voice always silently asks
And sometimes almost in a whisper
Begs Her the question: why love?
Why did you make me believe?
Why did you make me have faith?
Why did you give me so much hope
For living?...

I still cry when I am alone,
In the stillness between sleep and non-sleep,
Tears well up in my eyes
And runs down my cheeks -
How woeful are those moments!
How terrible it feels inside!...

And yet I wake up each day
Determined to forget,
To "un-remember" the memories
And to let go of all feelings
So I make myself busy
With the tediousness of life,
I carry on with the motions
Of my daily existence
For the sake of living...

How joyful each day was then,
How full of promise the dawn broke,
How full of excitement each day came
With a secretive greeting to my soul,
How with joy each day was lived,
How wonderful it was
From minute to minute,
Each mundane thing became exciting,
Each gesture became so important,
Each nod of the head,
Each smile,
Each gaze,
Each glance
Became a transcendent moment
Of perfect happiness,
The happiness that my heart captured
In images of sounds and feelings...

And yet how deluded I was,
How so easily I let myself go,
How so easily I set myself
On the pinnacle of hope,
Not knowing,
Not ever daring to believe
How so easy it was
To fall in love...