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A Unravelling Entry

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by
B-Mental
, 12-05-2007 at 08:20 PM (1688 Views)
An Unraveling Thread

I wrote this a while ago, but it belongs here.

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Hours drift by like minutes, and days are only separated by fluoresent light and darkness. It is during these times that my mind leaves me, and I begin to wonder. I wonder to myself, "When did it all begin? Where was I? How did I lose my mind?" The exact moment will forever elude me, but one thing is certain. The lid doesn't close on the box snugly like it did before.

I don't look any different than I did before. I'm no wild eyed, besheveled, spectacle, but the truth is much scarier. I suffer from a common ailment. I have a bipolar disorder. Everyone with this is unique. They endure the world with touch of whimsy, until the bottom falls out.

I remember visiting a doctor for mild hypertension. He asked, "...and how are we feeling today?" We. I'm sure it was just his bedside manner, but what did he mean by we? I replied that things couldn't be better, in fact I told him, "I must be bipolar, because I'm on top of the world. I might have manic/manic disorder." He laughed at my diagnosis, but I can assure you the good doctor was a fool. The truth was I did feel as though I could do anything. This is the high side of bipolar, mania. The thing about mania is that when in the throes of it you acquire a certain charisma. People are drawn to that smile, or that laugh. When I am deep in the throes of mania, it is amazing that I can recognise the symptoms of it in others.

Another symptom of mania, for me at least, is the loss of sensations such as pain. I distinctly remember pulling my clavicle out from the tissue between my ribs, and then walking down the side of a mountain several miles to get help. Just a couple of nights later I was out on the dance floor, and a co-worker of mine told me to stop taking drugs. The truth was that the only thing I was taking was children's aspirin.

There is a correlation between bipolar disorder and creativity. When I am manic I paint, sculpt, go way out of my way for a unique picture, and play the harmonica. I've played it for years, and never will I sound again the way I do when I am manic. People look at me and stare, amazed at the music that I make, and they always tell me that they were blown away when I unleash the feedback and the sounds in my head are broadcast to those in earshot. I can remember painting dozens of pictures in just a couple of hours prior to a gig, and then racing off to set up to play with total strangers, and feeling quite at home. Those are just a couple of other symptoms though.

The other side of bipolar disorder is depression. It is pain, and it is loss, and it is personal. I'll just keep it to myself if you don't mind.

But then I get back to wondering when and where it was that the curtains stopped closing completely.
__________________
Ok, I'm manic again. Its nothing to worry about, because I'm doing pretty good. I would appreciate, if some of my fellow bloggers reads anything that doesn't seem like the normal B, that they would then PM me. I think its under control for the moment. I'm not on any drugs, and trying to get it under control now through meditation. It is working well, but please keep a look out. I think some people here will spot it if it gets bad, so let me know and I'll get help if I'm riding too big of a mania. Now get back to doing whatever it was you were doing.
Cheers, B

PS - I am going to play blues music tonight at a blues bar, but not bringing the amp or microphone. Its open mic night. Leaving the amp & mic in itself is a good sign
Oh, and I will blog a note to myself in a day or two.
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Comments

  1. Shalot's Avatar
    I don't understand bipolar disorder. I've read about it and known people who have been diagnosed, but I guess have some anger toward the whole idea of bipolar "disorder."

    Who diagnosed you? Did something happen in particular that landed you in some psychologist's office? And you don't have to answer that. The person I know had some problems and some terrible things happened and then finally he got the diagnosis. I guess it's under control now.
  2. kiz_paws's Avatar
    B, if it is any consolation to you, someone very near and dear to me has been diagnosed with bipolar disorder, so I see both sides of the spectrum in living colour usually. I used to fear the downside of things, but my dear one (after an almost fatal situation -- we'll leave it at that) is finally under the directions and guidance of a doc and some meds are now controlling a person who was really on a highway to hell. Glad that you feel comfortable enough to post this blog entry, you have friends here, be it a good or bad day for ya, B. Take care and have fun playing the Blues (you are in the right Blues Belt of America for it, too, I just realized!). Your friend, Kizzo
  3. B-Mental's Avatar
    I was never diagnosed Shalot. I've gone 2 major episodes...usually triggered by stress. An aunt that I no longer speak with wanted to have me committed. The funny thing is she is the same way. Doctor try to address the hypertension that comes with it...my BP was 212/134 one time, but they don't want to refer me to anyone. I don't want to be medicated, and I. I was homeless for a couple of months and lived in my car...there are some really cool people who would let me get the occassional shower back in that place. Anyways, I went to a VA hospital, and they didn't do anything. They did place me in a homeless veteran's house. It wasn't very long, two weeks, and I found a job and moved out. This would be back just before I joined the Lit Net. Haven't had any problems since. I am feeling much better. Writing this entry brought me back down, but I was there for 2-3 days, and I thought I'd better mention it. I appreciate comments guys. If someone has questions about it...I don't have a problem talking about it.
  4. Virgil's Avatar
    B-M, you really should go to a doctor and have it checked out. Until lit net, and we seem to have a few people with Bi-Polar, I've never even heard of it. But like I just said to Granny, just because you don't know doesn't mean you don't have an issue. With today's medical science a doctor will help you out 99% of the time.
  5. B-Mental's Avatar
    Virgil, I have been to doctor's none of them have addressed it, so I took it into my own hands. PeterL wrote an entry about cognitive thought. It was very good. I believe that my moments of mania are my mind upgrading, or saying this one needs to use more of his brain...(there is a saying that human beings only use 10% of their brain, I look at it as me opening up another 10%). I think the good thing is that now that I know I'm this way, I know how to handle it. Last night I didn't play the harmonica although I should have because there were great musicians there. A woman told me what kind of work I do, and she was correct when she guessed. I asked her what color my aura is and she said "Orange". We had a long talk and it wasn't manic. Like I said, the moment I wrote this entry I could feel the tensions ease. I'll address it when I can't control it...but I don't know when I get that way...Catch22...alright peace out. B
  6. Virgil's Avatar
    Thanks B-M. Hey i didn't comment on your blues playing. I love blues. There's a thread around on each person's national music with youtube links, and I put in a post on various blues players. Too bad we don't live close, I would love to hear you play.
  7. B-Mental's Avatar
    Yeah Virgil, feel free to PM me on any good musicians you know of or like. I've been playing since 1993 and I had to teach myself (b/p people know what I mean). I don't know how to read music, but I've accumulated a lot of experience in a couple of different states...mainly Montana and a little in Louisiana. My plan is to retire when I'm 50 or so and then be able to market my music into just enough money to slum some of Europe and play, maybe go to New Zealand again, but that is all so far in the future. Maybe I'll come to where you live and play someday...I hope....B-mental around the world. Ok, later B
  8. B-Mental's Avatar
    Still doing good.
  9. mtpspur's Avatar
    This is a subject I am not conversant with. I have always found you a thoughtful considerate person and have no reason to adjust my thinking. If I may delicately suggest Pendragon may have valuable insights for you. In my own life I see-saw the emotional range striving for a balance. Suicidal tendencies have been on a l-o-n-g vacation and the latest general forum entry related to that topic finally bored the daylights out of me. I'm done beating that horse to death. I've been coming to grips with my faith more and more through a glass darkly at times but the shadows are there. My wife and I are acquainted with five people that consider themselves bi-polar and the puzzlement to me is that each of them are very different from each other that I can't find the usual common denominator amongst them. Since my disastrous dealings with Melissa (my druggie friend) I KNOW I'm incompetent to give 'productive' advice but you have always have my concern and sympathies and such prayers that don't bounce off the ceiling. I accept medicines as a treatment but do NOT go out of my way for them--this in reaction to watching my mother medicate away her private sorrows. I wear mine on a sleeve mostly to stave off the mental breakdown I was once convinced was in my future and now believe to be a most excellent mercy of a personal God. The truth shall set you free. Hope this helps somewhat. I wish only good things for you and no you can't have my wife -- or my comics.
  10. B-Mental's Avatar
    This is a subject I am not conversant with. I have always found you a thoughtful considerate person and have no reason to adjust my thinking. If I may delicately suggest Pendragon may have valubale insights for you. In my own life I see-saw the emotional range striving for a balance. Suicidal tendencies have been on a l-o-n-g vacation and the latest general forum entry related that topice finally bored the daynights out of me. I'm done beating that horse to death. I've been coming to grips with my faith more and more through a glass darkly at times but the shadows are there. My wife and I are acquainted with five people that consider themselves bi-polar and the puzzlement to me is that each of them are very different from each other that I can't find the usual common denominator amoingst them. Since my disatrous dealings with Melissa (my druggie friend) I KNOW I'm incompetent to give 'productive' advice but you have always have my concern and sympathies and such prayers that don't bounce off the ceiling. I accept medicines as a treatment but do NOT go out of my way for them--this in reaction to watching my mother medicate away her private sorrows. I wear mine on a sleeve mostly to stave offthe mental breakdown I was once convinced was in my future and now believe to be a most excellent mercy of a personal God. The truth shall set you free. Hope this helps somewhat. I wish only good things for you and no you can't have my wife -- or my comics.
    I'm not a needy man Rich, and there are way too many women out there.lol..You just keep remembering to take care of that one you are taking care of. Thnx for the advice...I wish Pendragon would share some insight on this. I won't pester him, but I know we are similar in some way. Anyways, thanks again for just being one of those cool dudes out there that I respect so much. B