Om

Hello.
Just a blog. People, friends, I'm not doing well. It's not working, and no I don't need to see a psychologist. I used to have anxiety, but this is gone. My mental states are affected much more immediately now, and it doesn't go through the object of anxiety. About 4 years ago is when I went back to Canada to see my step-mom, that was when my anxiety began. It took me a couple of years but it's gone now, but I just mention that to explain...
I'm an intelligent person. Most people are, or would be more, if they didn't have limiting ideas about their intelligence...a lot of it is learned, learning ability is learned as well as innate--anyway, none of that matters now. Except that in spirituality it's worked out well.
Well!
A spiritual person can't live in this society, at least not isolated like I am.
I'm accepting all the blame. At the same time though, I am blameless as is everyone else.
It's just not working, as I've said.
I'm just sharing this, because my situation is...
I don't know. I'm overcome. There are lots of things I could do- really- I would be good at. I could drive a truck. You have to be 21 to do that, but 35 thousand a year; you see, I would save it. I don't know why others don't. I could live for years off of one years income. In a truck you have no overhead. 2 years and then retire. *SIGH* I could help my mom, my family, my step-family. Money for everyone. I don't care I wouldn't care. But that is not now. I can't get a job now, believe me I've tried, and I have no desire at all to do it now since it obviously doesn't matter to people around. With no limits on what you say to someone, you'll say anything at the smallest provocation! You can tell...

I'm sorry- I know this is disjointed- I don't care. If you care, thanks, I appreciate it, and I care too. That's my whole point.

Everything is simple! It's not like there are dilemmas. But I'm too sensitive to the anger and hatred of others to live like this. I would be quiet in a monastery, but what monasteries are there? I would be so happy, such a wonderful addition to a commune, but what communes are there?

DON'T give me advice. I know myself. DON'T tell me I don't.

Don't call me helpless, and don't call me arrogant; good lord, don't call me anything. Don't say I have low self-esteem because the inverse quality of that- tied to the same center- is arrogance, and I know that you think that too... (as I ramble off into this rant, I'm not meaning these things at the reader. I don't mean anything at the reader)

Okay, well...bye. No comments are welcome. I mean, comment is fine, but why not comment on another post? Why this one? Thx I have to go.

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Eyes closed: doesn't work.
Heart closed: doesn't work.
Eyes or heart open: doesn't work either.

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[COLOR="DarkSlateBlue"][SIZE="3"]The trees of my dreams rise before and around me,
Bathed in pale shadow and mist and the moonlight,
I imagine them hanging their arms down about me,
While we wait out the cold hours of the long, dreamless night.

The time has come to leave the frozen shores of Destiny,
We sail through a dream world trailing the long-set sun
Underneath a starry sky, shivering for warmth with you next to me,
It is not much longer until our journey is begun.

High above, oak boughs sway with the breeze.
They're living the dream, being happy and free,
How nature has graced beings graceful as these!
What a wonder to see.

How soon will I fly at the tops of the trees,
Made light, made weightless, made ethereally free.
I cannot wait any longer for my dreams.
My soul is the pure light in the soft, waving leaves,
And I'm dying, but I'll die with my dreams.[/SIZE][/COLOR]


Ottawa: (You're OK! lyrics)- a good song.