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I had other things that I was going to blog about this evening. More important things the the meanderings of my own mind. The sad fact is that I've decided I'm too worn out to do them any justice and my brain is just not focused enough. So, I would rather wait for another day when I can give them the proper attention and research they deserve.

Things are getting pretty tense in my house. My husband and I are walking on eggshells around one another, and it is also causing my children to act up a little more than normal. As each day and week ticks by for our coming departure the tension levels rise just a little more. It isn't a feeling we've not experienced before. As a military spouse, we've endured similar situations time and time again. We are grateful that this will be the last. Well, maybe the last, but I'll get to that in a moment. The general progression of things is that the stress levels will get so high that we then begin to fight as a way to vent our frustration. Under older circumstances we would no longer be speaking by this point. Knowing how we are when separations are coming, we have been working extra hard to continue to be kind to one another for both our own sake and our children's. The effort is exhausting me, because in many ways I am the one who needs the fighting.

For me, stress is almost always expressed in anger and violence. It is interesting that I'm not abusive considering how volitile my temper can become. Perhaps it is my fear of hitting one of my children or my husband that keeps me from doing so. Once, I would go to martial arts class every Friday night to meet this need. We would all strap on padding a fight for about an hour or so, and after I would feel the beast within calm. I don't have that outlet here, so I'm trying to find ways to calm my beast without resorting to violence. I'm leaning towards a trip to the gym where I will work myself beyond what is normal and to the point that I am physically sore and spent. I'm hoping it will work.

I've digressed a bit, so back to my original point. We are all on edge, and it is wearing on everyone. Worse, for me at least, is the possibility that this may not be the last time. We've recently had news that people are being called up from the inactive reserve to go and serve in Iraq. There have been a couple of men whom my husband knew who have been called back up to serve only a month or two after they were honorably discharged from their service. If you are unaware of the inactive reserve, it includes anyone who has done military service in the past. You are held in the inactive reserve until an 8 year commitment has been met. My husband will have another year and a half on his commitment after he is discharged. The short of the thing is that he can be called up to come back and serve longer in any capacity that they wish. In our case it would likely be serving upon one of the mobile units that you hear about being hit by the IEDs.

I keep telling myself that it isn't going to happen, but the simple fact is that I can not gurantee that. We've not been subjected to tours in the war zone. My husband has served upon the carriers in an aviation capacity, but he's not been required to serve as a ground troop. Most of the commands have been required to provide men to serve in this capacity, but we've not been chosen. I find myself fearing that we will not be dodging the bullet this time. As my departure approaches, and his time to come home to us also fast approaches, I find that my fear is growing like a small cancer. I am not sure I will breath a sigh of relief until his full obligation, including the inactive reserve, is at an end. I know for the most part I'm being a silly female and over reacting, but we've known too many people who have been sent over. We've one friend who will be starting his tour in the next few months.

In the interim I'm going to try and calm down. I've been having horrible nightmares, and I fear the lack of sleep is not doing me any good. I'm not one who is prone to nightmares, but these are very real seeming and quite distressing. I've not had a good night's sleep in some time, and I know it is only adding to my stress burden. Hopefully tonight will be quiet and peacefull.

Take Care,
Meg