The Nation of the Glorious Turnip

ZARKOV TWEAKERHEAD AND THE DOOR TO ROOM 31

“Give it back!” Tweakerhead the zombie is trying to get the bandage back from Zarkov the skeleton. “It is mine!”
Zarkov isn’t about to hand it over though: “I need it to stop the bleeding, just look at that gaping opening in my torso!” Obviously, what Zarkov perceives to be himself is not what Tweakerhead sees. Zarkov is a skeleton, a poorly fitted together one at that. The skull obviously does not belong to the rest of his bones, as it is far too big looking more like a Halloween balloon than anything. The size forces the spine to bend unnaturally far under the weight of that pompous empty braincase. The long legs, combined with the short arms make Zarkov look more like a freakish dead than a true and noble skeleton in the tradition of dead people that have been dead for a while. Tweakerhead obviously is nothing like Zarkov, being a relatively well-preserved rotting corpse, animated due to a clerical error up in heaven. Apparently an intern click the wrong option in the database, and instead of coming back to life, Tweakerhead, whose real name is lost somewhere on a tombstone, became the animated corpse he is today.

Regardless, both argue for some time on who should have the bandage. All the while they both try to keep an eye on the bandage in question that is continously trying to slip away. What they don’t know is that they are getting very close to the real world. “Look here, you step through there, and I’ll give you the bandage.” The door looks enticing. What harm could it do to step through, Tweakerhead wonders. “Okay, I’ll step through, if you step through” He nods to Zarkov, who starts laughing frantically, and, after he calms down, says: “Sure thing, I’ll just step through and you’ll follow.” Both of them proceed to the opening, and before they can say Predestined alcohol intoxication, find themselves in a world that is quite different from the fantasy they occupied before.

Intermission by the mechanical writer that creates stories in an episodic format for the reader that enjoys cliffhangers.

I must protest the exclusion of the downright silly in previous episodes. Cliffhangers are an exquisite method of conveying a deep and profound message disguised in a non-sensible format. However, it will only work as advertised if executed in a mechanical manner by all things that write without pencils. Human knowledge pertaining to cliffhanger technology is limited to entertainment. True cliffhangers are written with the fate of entire worlds in their hands. Fantasy is turned into reality when a cliffhanger suddenly finds itself on the edge of a solar system filled with micro biotic civilizations.

It was one of these micriobiotic civilizations that are the direct reason for this intermission. You see, dear semi-intelligent water containment mechanism, there was a solar system with a huge asteroid field. Two asteroids in this field had thriving civilizations. The Barbieostics and the Telemutantians. Once these races achieved space travel, they set out to explore the universe. Before they could meet however, a terrible catastrophe would befall these civilizations. *Warning, Automatic cliffhanger initiation immanent!* Once they managed to launch a rocket, they found something so terrible, so gigantic and fearsome it shook the foundations of their respective asteroids. *Cliffhanger initiation in 3…2…1…Cliffhanger initiated!*
What is so terrible that it can shake the asteroids of two civilizations? Join us next time, and find out.

They step out of the mind of the little boy, into a room filled with dead toys. Are they the only living things here? “Look Zarkov, hand over the bandage and we’ll go back into the dream!” Zarkov is mischievous as usual, and runs of across the room with the bandage: “Catch me if you can Tweakerhead!” he says this while looking over his shoulder, and because this story is so predictable, he falls down the edge of the bed, onto a sleeping dog, who mistakes Zarkov for a treat. “Oh my… Zarkov!” Concerned for the wellbeing of his bandage, Tweakerhead crawls to the side of the bed, looks down, and sees that the bandage is on the ground. Zarkov is nowhere to be found. “Good riddance, now to get that bandage.” His scent has alerted the dog to another tread, but Tweakerhead isn’t Zarkov and. with a powerful spell of doggy sleep, manages to subdue the immensely powerful puppy. Before the puppy goes down, he manages to hit Tweakerhead with his newly acquired ‘Breath of Zarkov’ Air attack though. And Tweakerhead is severely damaged. “I’m going to need more than just a bandage in a minute.” But the first target is still the bandage. He slides down the side of the bed, does a barrel roll and finds himself in the possession of his bandage. “Finally! Eat that Zarkov.” But Zarkov cannot eat, because he has been eaten, and so Tweakerhead is forced to climb back onto the bed, open the door, and enter the mind of the boy all by himself.

Ten years later, the boy is all grown into a healthy teenager. Tweakerhead still resides in the mind, silently, quietly, waiting for the boy to realise he can be special too. If only he would hear the nightly whispers in his ear, the ones that speak of untold secrets. The life of Zarkov, the only friend Tweakerhead ever had, will create madness inside the teenage mind.