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Here are some totally awesome things I wish I had invented. Gosh, I would be raking in the profits if I had!

All Patents Are Real And On File.

Pantyhose 3x
US Patent Issued In 1997
Are these crazy pantyhose designed for a cloning experiment gone wrong? No, they’re a somewhat practical yet goofy looking solution to an age old problem. Ladies, you know what we mean; the dilemma of unsightly runs in your pantyhose. With Pantyhose 3x, you don’t have to carry a spare and chuck the old pair when you get a run or hole in your pantyhose.

With this ingenious design you simply (and discretely) rotate your leg into the new, unblemished pantyhose appendage. The damaged hosiery leg is then tucked into a pocket in the crotch of the pantyhose. Comfortable? You be the judge.

Horse Diaper
US Patent Issued In 1998

Cleaning up after a horse can be a real pain in the rear, so to speak. As the inventor tells us: "Frequent mucking-out of stables, horse-boxes and like shelters and the renewal of sawdust, etc., have in the past generally been necessary if the animal's accommodation is to be kept in reasonable condition. This can require copious labor of a tedious and unpleasant nature." His solution? Strap a big rubber diaper on your trusty steed! We call it a diaper, the inventor calls it an "Equidae Excrement Receptacle" (Equidae: any of a family of perissodactyl mammals consisting of the horses, asses, zebras, and extinct related animals). Either way, if you think mucking is unpleasant work, try cleaning your Equidae's diaper three times a day.

Sled Pants
US Patent Issued In 1996
Snow Boarding is all the rage. Surfing down the slopes is a great way to enjoy the snow and look cool. But what if you're a bit of a klutz and just can’t keep your balance on a Snow Board? Is it still possible to have some winter fun and be a babe magnet? If you are wearing these Sled Pants then the answer is an emphatic yes!

The Sled Pants are ergonomically engineered to fit your posterior. When your are ready to hit the slopes, simply reach behind you and fold down the leg support portion of your pants. Aim yourself downhill and sit down . Oh, and make sure you wear your Sled Pants when you have lunch at the Ski Lodge.

Flood Bag
US Patent Issued In 1982

With El Nino causing floods around the world, we thought this invention would be apropos. We've all seen the television footage of cars up to their headlights in muddy flood waters. Vehicles are often abandoned because waters rise quickly and become too deep to drive safely. What we don’t see is the ravage a flood causes to a car once the waters recede. The engine and interior are full of gritty, gooey mud that clings to everything. Usually the motor is ruined and the vehicle is declared a complete loss.

This giant plastic bag is the ultimate in vehicle flood protection and it’s so simple to use. The interior of the bag has markings to guide you as you drive your car into it. Exit the vehicle and pull the sides of the bag up over your car. Next, pull the draw-string tightly, closing the orifice. The key here is to make sure you leave an opening large enough to allow air to escape as the flood waters ensue. Otherwise trapped air will fill the bag and your car will float off into the sunset.

Aww, the regret will haunt me for a long while yet...