The Nation of the Glorious Turnip

Once upon a time, in the not so distant future, there was a Martian scientist. This scientist came up with the ultimate Martian Knives appliance tool; The Time Travelling Donkey! It was this Donkey, more commonly known as the TTD that is seen as the original great Martian Construct of inevitable Time Shift.

However, the responsible scientist knew better, having used the donkey to go to the future and the past. The Donkey was not the origin, but merely a resurgence of an ages old phenomenon, travelling through the galaxy, taking the form of random objects whenever it was deemed necessary by Bob. So he devised a way to loose the donkey in outer space, never to be found again. Using the latest star-nav™ software, he set out in his UFO to go somewhere distant, where no one of importance lived. As it happens, the star-nav™ software had a glitch, and he was instead directed to Earth, a planet close to Mars. Crashlanding near a place called Wellington, the native population, apparently consisted of creatures with a thick, dense fur. The scientist, relieved to find that the creatures where not hostile, and were merely looking at him sheepishly without doing much of anything, set out to rescue the donkey.

Suddenly however, a predator came toward him, driving a crude piece of machinery that produced a lot of smoke. Fearing for his life, the scientist fled the scene, leaving everything but his lunchbox behind. (It should be noted that the scientist was not particularly courageous, and eventually made his way into a township where he disappeared altogether after a few days.)

“Ey now, what’s that over thar??” were the first words of David Creed Wellington of Nottingham Forrest the first. The local farmer was first to arrive on the scene, and, noticing the donkey, commented: “That’s a UFO and a donkey, or my name isn’t David Creed Wellington of Nottingham Forrest the first.”

This instant was the exact moment where the Martian Construct of Inevitable Time Shift re-activated, bringing doom to all time travellers currently in transit. The cause is ofcourse obvious. The farmers name wasn’t really David Creed Wellington of Nottingham Forrest the first. It was of course David Creed Wellington of Nottingham Forrest the second. Considering his father had the same name. This triggered a latent memory in the donkey’s substantial brain, which in turn created a pulse that ran through his entire body, causing it to be frozen in time for 1 tenth of a second. This was enough to cause a shift in the dimensional plane, throwing people into random periods of Martian history. The Time Shift lasted for a few years, before a brilliant man, by the name of *Random Character One* thought it was a good idea to press the reset button found on the donkey’s lower back. This ended the first Time shift in recorded history, but still left many questions for all that were caught unawares.

What exactly is the Martian Construct of Inevitable Time Shift?
Who was David Creed Wellington of Nottingham Forrest the second
Where did the scientist go?
Why did the donkey react so strongly to the mistake made by David Creed Wellington of Nottingham Forrest the second?
What was the point of the donkey in the first place?
Who is Bob?

The answers to these questions, and more, can be found right here, right now!

The Martian Construct of Inevitable Time Shift is not the Donkey, as many of you might think, but is instead a sphere found inside the donkey, this sphere, made of a metallic substance can only exist within a donkey. This makes donkey’s so valuable, and answers another question, What was the point of the donkey? Without the donkey, there would be no story, there would be no time shift, and there would not be a construct of Inevitable Time shift. But why then is it inevitable? Because of David Creed Wellington of Nottingham Forrest the second! The man who found the donkey is the cause of the time shift, by mistaking his own identity with that of his father, he caused a loop inside the sphere, which was in a similar situation 31 years before, with a man named David Creed Wellington of Nottingham Forrest the first. The sphere, attempting to correct an error that was not there, partially reset the universe, and as a result, millions of Martians where locked out of their own time period.

The scientist, when enjoying a nice beer in a local pub, realized that beer really is a subspace portal to a world in a distant galaxy, and by drinking his beer in a way only known to him, was transported there. The planet he arrived on is speculated to be the long lost treasure of Bavarian drinking legend Heinrich, a legendary tale that is often used to teach children that it is not okay to drink too much beer at too young an age.

This leaves us with one important question; Who is Bob? This question can be answered by reversing the name. Bob is boB.

This story is brought to you by Martian Knives INC! and is not considered suitable for humans and other intelligent life forms whose genetic code is not B46 F compliant. The story can cause dangerous levels of bob fusion inside human brains. Read at your own risk. Normally this warning is at the top of the story to prevent unnecessary injury, but Martian Knives INC! Failed to negotiate a proper sponsorship deal with the author