Om

See, now that isn't fair at all. How are you going to say don't worry when you know we will:) On a more serious note (just trying to at least get a smile), have you spoken to the doctor? There may be something wrong physiologically speaking. You may want to have some testing and see if there is some sort of a hormone, or some other chemical, imbalance. This could be the cause of your mood swings when you are not percieving anything else bad in life. Try talking with your general practitioner and see if they can suggest anything or refer you out for more advanced diagnosis. Good luck to you Nikolai. I hope things will get better ~Meg~

I'm not worried about you but am CONCERNED as a fellow human being. I don't know you enough to be worried but I place a high value on life as I believe only one is entitled to give or take it--the Lord. I'm approaching you as a Christian who believes the Lord Christ may have something to say to you should you listen or better yet read the Bible. This is all the preaching I'm going to do.

Looking over your blog entries I see you're a thoughtful person -- but I suspect you need a little balance -- you seem to dwell on the metaphysical abstract nature of life. I liken that to a Christian who spends all their time studying Daniel or Revelation at the expense of Psalms and Proverbs.

I hope you are rested now and rethinking things. You may think you're alone but there is always someone left behind.

Trust me suicide is NOT an answer -- I do not have time or inclimation to open that can of worms up but I am too bloody well familiar with the topic -- but I live in hope of brighter times. Hope this helps. Rich

Please don't do it. I know you may be suffering and so am I. But even thought life is painful it's also beautiful. If you're dead you won't be able to marvel at it and wonder. You won't be able to help others. Do you know why you feel so sad? You could be bipolar or something like that. Feel free to pour all your thoughts instead of bottling them up. Concern and love, Jessica.

Thanks for your kindness and concern, everyone. I don't think there's any kind of chemical imbalance, but I'll keep that in mind always anyway.

Ah, and this is the interesting thing about it all, is that currently I am not all that turbulent and depressed. Isn't it said that some suicides take it as a sort of strength, that they can leave whenever they want to? Well it's like that but a little different with me. I would want to go in peace, in particular with the peace of the Tao or Buddhism. As far as Christianity goes, what if you decided you wanted to be a disciple but died? That is where it began for me. At some point, there was no more difference between dying a pure death, which I would fain call suicide, and just killing myself. The reason for that is while dying a pure death, so to speak, might be more satisfactory to me, how much less so would it be for those around me? Better not to have to struggle, or not to have to disappear or whatever it is. But then I found this was very difficult. Just some evolution of my thoughts.

Anyway I'm not going to do anything soon- I will hang around and keep trying to make things work. Thanks again.

Thanks, Jessica. Life is beautiful and I'm feeling a lot better now.

gee nik...life has so much more to offer...everyday...from sunup to sundown and inbetween...you have so much to give with every breath that you breathe with every moment you are alive...i pray you choose life in those moments of despair and know that you are loved beyond what you could possibly imagine...

littlewing, thank you. that is a wonderful thought to say i am loved so much. i think the same things, in various forms. someone was talking about the tao and said "if you knew, if you only knew who was walking the path beside you," and he said something about not feeling fear or some such. i think about these things a lot, and i tried to say, i am not unhappy, and i know myself and i am not unbalanced chemically or emotionally. i've been concerned so i've studied various psychology practices... okay, so you don't know me: i think i put this up simply to share it, and actually i think it was very good i did, for me. i really would not like to bring anyone down, though. one thing i wanted to say was that i was at peace. and this is one thing i don't fully understand- aren't at least a lot of suicides peaceful when they go? i was worn out by the frustration of it all, not to mention just the trauma of suicidal thoughts. but i wanted people to know i wasn't doing it out of spite, anger, depression or anything like that. i mean i die every day, metaphorically at least. i think i would not die if i died...at least...i don't necessarily believe in reincarnation but i don't really see, and no one has convinced me, why i am different from air, the earth, or animals, or others...logically...but that is another discussion. what i wanted to share was: a joy! a love! a liberation! because I know that life is better than death. of course you don't want to kill yourself, or anything like that...that is easily seen as inherent. and i wish people could remove the stigma they have with suicides- mentally ill is the worst one, but unstable, depressed, all of that. those things are like- things that are similar to spite, envy, all of that- things that indicate, so to speak, a weak, weakened, or weakening soul or something like that. They are negative! even if we say, even if we do not totally condemn, but say that the suffering cannot be avoided- we still view them as unable to cope, when it is nothing like that. people refuse to acknowledge their own thanatos drives, and condemn suicides. (not the people here. and i mean that with sincerity.) but all of this is groundless- it is all based on the act of suicide, and this is unfair. if we look at what a person actually is, and this is important, then we don't see any of those thing, or come to any of those conclusions. remember, that suffering is sort of a kick-start to growth, and as someone said, religious truth is clear when we suffer... but that is not me i am describing there, that is other suicides, whom i think are unjustly condemned, but how much worse is my own position. a suicide might have the most wonderful soul ever, the most sublime, the problem is- who knows it! who knows! no one does, and it is so sad! there was one person who wrote a book and then killed himself to attract attention to it...they read the book, but it turned out he was a lousy author.

for instance why is suicide a suicide? what if one only desires death, and is willing either to martyr oneself, or to embark upon an action or path that is likely to lead to death; and in this i have primarily in mind asceticism and fasting. i don't consider that a suicide necessarily. okay, so one desires death but then one desires a pure death, since it is more to one's taste or liking. But then one realizes- how do I pull away? How do I leave like this? Either I do so by telling people, and then there is a horrible struggle, or I leave without telling, and then there is doubt and waiting, and both, it can be argued, are worse than a more common or accepted type of suicide. but all this seems like justifications, and i did not want to get into it because until now it didn't seem like the right thing to write. i didn't want it to either seem like i was arguing about religion with mtpspur, because religion is obviously important to him, nor seem like i didn't care about Meg's advice to seek help with a doctor...but please, nevermind all of that stuff about suicide. you do not need to worry about me, and by that i mean that i am not going to do anything like this. but anyway, everything you said, that is what i think about all the time; i study it in different religions and i've had a lot of great ideas of my own; i appreciate that you said it. it was something i wanted to share but couldn't, something i wanted to say but couldn't, that i was going but it was not despair, and i had love and pure thoughts in my end. that is the big one, purity, is it not? anyway a simple thanks for commenting, littlewing...and of course if you got bored earlier then you never got to this place, hehe.

and keep in mind when i wrote this, i was planning and trying to kill myself, and now i have no such desire. i will admit freely here that it was something i was stuck into and the same as a depression. it is very frustrating and it is easy to be trapped in the conflicts- realizing that yes, i have a desire to die, and then seeing all the obstacles...how can you say "i'm at peace with doing this horrible thing"? so i've played over all this very much. i do love psychology and i have a couple of books that i love. i love psychotherapy. so i studied these things, and i am also studying buddhism. anyway, okay, i guess that's all. thanks.

and what is sublimity anyway? what is music, m'love? aren't we matter, then? met a physical?---- if we look at a suicide, we see a sick person, but then everyone is sick a little. there is probably a lot of goodness in their soul, and had they lived they might have gone on to lead one of the most contented, fulfilled existences... okay- so you acknowledge their goodness, this is good and i grant it to you- but [I]don't make the mistake of assuming they don't see it either![/I] they might, but they also might not.

interesting comments nik...enjoyed reading your thoughts....